Beating this negativity

Story By: Amy Amy

A voice in her head insisted she keep her depression locked away. Read how she fought the good fight and found a way to start beating this problem.

Feet sticking upwards from tall green grass
Too weary to cry any more, too tired to even stand on my own.
Yes, there were good times; I'd say my life probably wasn't much worse than most peoples' lives. The problem was I thought my life was worthless and pointless and all the rest. I'd walk through crowds of people with my head down trying my best not to meet anyone's gaze; I was sure they were all laughing at me. How could they not be? I had this voice in my head telling me over and over that I did not fit in and did not belong here.

Something just clicked

I remember one time when I was about 14. I was walking along the street actually feeling pretty good. I was smiling at people and they were smiling back. I was laughing and they would laugh with me. Then, something just clicked. Nothing spectacular happened, one moment I was fine and the next I wasn't. Their laughter was at me, not with me. They were smiling out of pity. The tears came and they would not stop.

When I got home I remember thinking that this was it; it was time to end it. My rational mind was coming through the depressive thoughts. With tears still trickling down my face, I scratched 25% of the paint on my bedroom wall.

Then I just sat there. I leant against my bedroom wall exhausted. Too weary to cry any more, too tired to even stand on my own. I stumbled to my bed to rest. I didn't sleep, I laid there thinking. I could see it was my depression that spawned those thoughts. Rationally I knew they were ridiculous. I knew then that I needed help.

Beating this thing

I went back to my counsellor a few days after that and told her what had happened. We talked about ways I could really commit to beating this thing. With a combination of medication and cognitive therapy (changing my thought processes) I learnt techniques to change the irrational thoughts my depression was bringing up. I learnt to really focus on my thoughts and assess them for what they were.

When I thought everyone was laughing at me I made my self stop and really consider it. Why would they? I learnt how to counter negative thoughts with positive thoughts that were actually based in reality.

It took a while but I did get better. I still do get depressed some times and occasionally thoughts of harming my self come back. The thing is, I know how to deal with it now and I know the difference between depressive thoughts and ones that are actually based in reality. It seemed hopeless at the time, but I'm really glad I didn't give up.
Last reviewed: 16 April, 2015
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