ROdown Blog
How to make the most of your brother or sister
I was a terrible younger sister. My sister was four years older than me and we shared a room until I was 17. I was the messier one - my sister would be the one persuading me to make my bed every day and then end up doing it for me.
As we were the same size, we would share clothes and I was notorious for returning her well-preserved tops with new holes and missing buttons. I remember an instance when my sister was helping me with my maths homework in Year 4. We had spent some time on this algebra problem, she had explained it three times already but I couldn’t seem to understand the logic.
I got so frustrated that I pushed all the books off the desk and stormed out of the room. Mum was our mediator: telling me to respect and listen to my older sister because she knew more than me while simultaneously telling my sister to be more patient. Then Dad would take us swimming or play tennis and in the fun and games we would forget our squabble.
As it happened, I topped the class in maths that year. To this day, I am still using the skills that my sister taught me (although not the algebra anymore). When I have to explain a diagnosis to a patient, I remember how my sister used to check in with me: does that make sense? Far from being just friends, older and younger siblings can learn a lot from each other. Patience and forgiveness being just some of those things. Conversely, if there is conflict between siblings, this can affect our other relationships in life to some degree. There is a great analogy.
If a family was like a human body, the siblings would be like the arms. If there was a mosquito biting one’s hand, we could use the other hand to swipe off the mosquito. It’s a reflex and a no-brainer. Why let the mosquito take its fill because then the whole body would be suffering the itchy consequences. Help out each other for the common good.
Although the effect of birth order on personality is debatable, siblings do enable us to strengthen our skills in sustaining a positive long-term friendship. After all, our siblings will be in our lives longer than our parents or our spouses. And our relationships with siblings can be something to work on first, at times when all the other relationships in our lives seem high maintenance.
How important do you think the influence of brothers and sisters is?
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7 Comments
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Roisin - RO Crew
over 1 year ago
Reply ReportHi sad mum 947,
I really am sorry to hear about everything you and your family have been through.
Have you had a look at the relationships australia website?
They provide fact sheets as well as online and face to face couselling and workshops around relationship building skills. They also have family dispute resoultion programmes. Allot of their services are free, and where ther is a charge they are a not for profit so thier fees are minimal.
Check out thier website: http://www.relationships.com.au/what-we-do
I hope you find this information helpful :)
All the best
Roisin - RO Crew
sad mum 947
over 1 year ago
Reply ReportI am a mother of two daughters and they are both married to brothers and it made it hard for my daughters to have a good relation with each other . They haven't been very close to each other for a while and now my youngest one lost her husband through suicide and my older one separated from her husband too. Our youngest is not talking to her sister at all and even she is staying away from her father and me,she brought a lot of sadness in the family with her anger , and I feel that my life is not worth living seeing my family braking apart.When she use to come and tell us something about her older sister she expected us to turn against her .
Kath
over 1 year ago
Reply ReportBecks, that is a really moving story. I find it really gives me peace to be able to say out loud - these were the things that I used to do and here's how I have changed. And you have done just that.
Becks
over 1 year ago
Reply ReportFirst off, I want to say a big 'thanks' to Kath, for writing this blog. This is a topic that often people don't talk about, or at times even take for granted, so it is wonderful to hear to and see a young person reflecting on their own story, and giving others a chance to contribute their own stories to the discussion. So, well done mate. =)
As I have a sister who is almost three years younger than me, I can really relate to and understand this post. My sister and I haven't always had a positive relationship. In fact, it has only been the past three or so years, that we have really begun creating a relationship where we see each other as equals, and are there to support one another, like sisters should do.
For me, I look back at probably the past 8 or so years, and I can say, I'm quite ashamed at the way in which my relationship was with my sister, and even my parents. I know its not an excuse, but during this time, I have experienced the worst of what Mental Illness can do to a person, and I think a lot of the frustrations, struggles, anger, sadness etc I have felt during this time, have reflected on the behaviours that I have shown towards my parents and sister. I'm lucky to be in the kinda headspace that allows me to see that clearly.
I used to not talk with my sister at all, because when I did, we would always end up in an all out verbal brawl. When my parents tried to stop us, I'd turn on them as well. It was horrible. I used to wonder my sister had things so easy, why I had to be the one experiencing the Mental Health problems while she got off scot free. I wondered why she found school so easy, and I so hard. I held all these things against her, and that just fuelled my overwhelming and negative emotions. It made me push everyone away, and therefore isolate myself.
I remember the day, when things began to change. It was on my High School Graduation Ceremony day, where I received my official documents to say my schooling life had ended. My parents came up and congratulated me and said they loved me etc. The part that shocked me was that my sister actually came up to me and said how proud she was of me, and that she knew how difficult it was, because of all the Mental Health stuff I was experiencing. She told me that she loved me and that she wished she could have taken my pain, suffering and struggles away. She also said that no matter what career I decided to go with, I would be great, and she would be there to help me every step of the way. It was the first time I had ever cried from something she had said. From then on, things began to change, and they have continued to change to get us to where we are today. A relationship where we are equal and are willing to go the extra mile to help each other when need be.
I think relationships can influence a person so much. Just from hearing the words that my sister said, my whole attitude towards her changed. For once, I truly knew that she cared and loved me, and that I had no reason to doubt that. The morale of my story really is that family is forever, and no matter the ups and downs, things always seem to work themselves out in the end. It is just a matter of time and will to not give up when the times are tough. Its the same with parental relationships. Everyone experiences tough times at some point in their lives, and it is often family that will stick together until the very end. I never really believed that when my parents taught me it as a kid, but I now can see for myself, how true this saying actually is. =)
Sorry for my ramble. I hope I didn't get too carried away. =/ LOL!
Becks
Doris
over 1 year ago
Reply ReportHey Kath.
Thanks for you support.
I feel for you friend. My culture used to favour sons over daughters, I think there might be families out there that still do. It is unfair how some people get more injustice than others.
Heres an idea for you Kath. When you see your older sister next time, ask her how she would deal with the kids in your tutoring group. Have a discussion with her! In fact have discussions with her over anything, you might shed light on things only little sisters know!
In fact, tutoring is something that scares me coz I am not such a good teacher. But you, Kath, gave it a shot so there you would have gained some valuable skills (i.e. resisted the temptation to give the kid hell lol)
Kath
over 1 year ago
Reply ReportDefinitely agree with your comments Doris. In so many respects, my older sister was just a natural leader at school (became head prefect), uni and even now in the office at work. Being a leader involves a lot of encouragement and forgiveness if your team members are not pulling their weight. I sometimes tease her and say, if it wasn't for me...
Doris
over 1 year ago
Reply ReportI really like this blog. I can relate to it 100% as I have a sister 2years younger than me (hence I practically spend my whole life with her and still do) and I have a sister 12 years younger.
Regardless, I have some real bad issues with my younger sister (my baby sister was not yet born) while growing up. I was envy of her, I was greedy, I was mean, I was what I now call, the worst role model. Looking back, I think what I did to my sister impacted her and the effects are still there. There are a lot of reasons to why I acted that way when I was a child up until early teens. Now she is my best friend and my only listener at home. Presently I now get on with my sister better than I do with my parents (its like a reverse of the past)
Talking of relationships. I think for younger siblings, it have a stronger impact on how their other relationships will turn out (because the older sibling is someone they are stuck with since they were born) Older siblings are kinda the leader of the sibling pack.
Now days I just laugh at my sister as she gets annoyed at our baby sister. Its like seeing my old characteristics being portrayed 12 years later while I am the observer and the players are my two younger sisters.
How sibling relationships turn out have a strong link to how parents treat each child. Favourism will def. not bond siblings together.