ROdown Blog
Man Week day 4 - When did you become a man?
G'day Blog Readers,
My name is Mathew, and I'm your Thursday guest blogger for triple j and Reach Out's Man Week.
Today we're continuing the conversation about masculinity, and what it is to be a man, by trying to pin point exactly - "when do boys become men?"
As all good bloggers should do, I conducted a bit of background research before attempting to write on this topic. Usually, my main researcher Google.com wasn't as helpful as usual, and frustratingly it only gave me links to youtube clips of 'Boyz II Men'.
Dismayed, I realised that I'd have to face a "Am I Man Enough" test of my own, and actually have to conduct a bit of soul searching on this topic.
MY STORY
I think it's undoubtable that my father had a huge influence on my identity and my values.
Whether or not it was intentional, my old man was absolutely crucial in raising me and my siblings with a sense of humour, a great deal of humility, and also in a way some very non-traditional values about what it is to be a man.
My dad, when he was in his early twenties like myself, rocketted up through the corporate hierarchy. He went from 'gopher boy' to 'man-in-charge' in a few years.
But when my older brother was born, he quit to become a school caretaker. This was so that he could make sure that he was always around after school for us kids.
Although this has been a kind of taboo topic of conversation for my family, it's my understanding that although I was just a 'twinkle in my father's eye' (as Mum likes to put it) when my Dad quit his high-flying job, he copped a bit of flak for his decision.
Some people, including teachers at the school, looked down on my Dad for being a caretaker.
However, I couldn't respect the man any more for making the decision.
Unlike many kids my age, I grew up with my Dad while my Mum worked. Although sometimes they swapped so that Dad could work, while Mum stayed at home.
Because of this, I don't feel any of the traditional pressures of being a 'man'.
I know some guys feel the pressure of wanting to map out a job and a career that will ensure that they can provide financially for a family that they haven't yet conceived, with a wife they haven't yet married.
I know that other guys, feel strong pressure to follow in their father's foot steps, and become as 'strong', or as 'successful', or as 'important' as their dad.
I feel really fortunate to have been able to see the impact that my Dad had on our family. It wasn't nessecarily about these old-school measures of a man, or of a father. But I know, having been raised with a Dad who has always been there, that him putting his family first is the true measure of the man.
WHEN DAD ISN'T AROUND
Who I feel really sorry for is the kids who didn't get the chance to interact with their Dads.
I know that there's lots of talk on the news and talkback radio about the 'work/ life balance' and how kids are getting less and less time with their parents.
I think it's tragic that some men feel compelled to be slaves to the wage, and sacrifice their family time so that they can be 'the man' of the house.
But while work/ life balance can be an issue, my heart really goes out to kids who lose their dads.
I remember being in class in year nine, when the school counsellor came into our class to inform us that one of the students wouldn't be coming into school that day because their father had committed suicide.
I remember then, just being completely gobsmacked at the idea of not having a Dad.
On the front page of ReachOut.com is a video by a mate of mine called Nick. To check it out click here.
His father passed away when he was young too.
I guess this experience is quite sadly, all too common.
But having seen the impact that the loss of a father can have on their children, it goes to show what an important role our dads, and other father figures really do play in our lives, and in particular how they affect our understanding of what it is to be a man.
YOUR FEEDBACK
What I'd be interested to hear from all you people out there in the blogosphere, is:
"Did your dad, or the absence of your Dad have an impact on your understanding of what it is to be a man?"
TRIPLE J + FORUMS
This is a discussion that isn't just happening online, it'll be happening on the airways. Check out Triple J all day today but in particular tune into:
- The Breakfast Show (6am - 9am) with Robbie, Marieke & The Doctor
- Hack (5:30pm - 6pm) with Kate O'Toole
THE FINAL WORD
It turns out that now I know that Boys II Men named themselves after a song by New Edition called Boys To Men.
If you have a listen, you'll notice not only that R&B is god awful, but also that the lyrics offer this little piece of wisdom:
We've talked this week about balls, bravado, boundaries, and bravery. It all seems like far too much work for me.
Moreover, I don't understand what quality there is to being a man that other people, who aren't male, can't have or shouldn't have.
Perhaps what being a real man is about, is recognising, like my old man did, that he didn't need to be a man in the eyes of others. He only needs to be a man in his own eyes, and the eyes of his family.
Maybe that's what it takes to be a real man.
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10 Comments
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Cultureboy
over 2 years ago
Reply ReportDear Matthew,
Thanks for starting this thread. I suspect I will be the oldest contributor here. I wrote a piece about my father some years ago. The link includes clips and hyerlinks. I reproduce the raw text below:
IIn 1992 my father, Alex, died. It was the end of a long period of loss in my life that haunts me still. I really “lost” my father when I was a young teenager. We just stopped talking and I began to learn to live alone without an adult mentor.
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It’s too late when we die
To admit we don’t see eye to eye
I wasn’t there that morning
When my Father passed away
I didn’t get to tell him
All the things I had to say
My father was my hero. I was the eldest son and I suppose I cherished that early experience of “first claim” to his love and attention. In the shrine I designed to his memory there are two photos of Dad and me, just the two of us. They are the only photos ever taken of just us two. In one he is holding me as a new babe and gazing down into my eyes. The other is a classic of Dad supporting me on his old “28 inch” bike with me in a baby dress of a typical one year old of the era!!! The bike was a great symbol of those early years. I have so many happy memories of Dad taking me for a “dink” sitting on the bar while he peddled. I still remember the nervous thrill of riding that same bike before I could even reach the seat. Somehow, once I learnt to ride on my own everything changed.
My father gave me inspiration. His faith was a traditional Catholicism with a passion for the poor and the marginalised. He would often take me with him to his voluntary work at the night shelter for the homeless in Geelong. Later in my teens I remember being in awe when I heard a testimonial to Dad and stories I never knew were made public of his commitment to the work of “Vinnies”
Our relationship was a strange bonding through unspoken words. I was a headstrong adolescent with a fiery temper that must have worried him. I was also an inquisitive young gay boy which I suspect he knew and carried inside with great anxiety and fear. Our religion and our culture didn’t allow us to explore the curiosity and libido inside me.
I miss my Dad, I miss all we could have been for each other. As he lay dying the “Living Years” lyrics were all around me like a spirit calling me to face the loss of so much. His funeral was a great tribute, but they didn’t play the song he had always wanted: Nearer My God to Thee.
Though like the wanderer,
The sun gone down,
Darkness be over me,
My rest a stone,
Yet in my dreams I’d be
Nearer, my God, to thee,
Nearer, my God, to thee,
Nearer to thee!
I am like my father in many ways. I have his strength and resilience. I have his passion and I suspect I share much of his quiet reserve about his inner life………..yet in a way this writing is a long step from “quiet reserve”!! He served in Borneo and PNG during WWII. Yet he never marched in an ANZAC parade and never really spoke of what happened to him during those frightful years. We both hide much of our lives deep inside where no-one has access, except perhaps the spirit of healing who alone can break through the heavy heart .RIP my loving Dad. I miss you still.
anna
over 2 years ago
Reply ReportHey Bodhran - thanks for sharing that :)
Really interesting to see how different people's fathers have / haven't impacted on their becoming a man, whatever that is for people.
For some people - eg Mathew - it seems to have been a really important part of your coming to understand what it is to be a man.
For others, like Bodhran, it sounds like you would really have appreciated some more input from your dad, and still feel the impact of that gap today.
And for some who lost their dads young, it did make them feel more 'manly' at quite a young age.
Others had other events which they felt triggered their feeling more like a man, which didn't necessarily have anything to do with their dads.
So, it seems like for some people their dads can definitely have an impact on what they understand a man to be, and when they do feel like a man, whereas for others this 'becoming a man' business is independent of their dads' influence.
Thanks again for sharing this Bodhran :)
Interest to hear other people's thoughts on this!
Anna
bodhrán
over 2 years ago
Reply ReportUntil I listened to Hack on triple j the other day, I’ve never in my life asked myself that question i.e. “when did I feel I became a man?” As a man of nearly 30-years old, physically I have the appearance of a man, but on the inside my life is a daily struggle to understand myself and be accepted by others around me. I'm a happy bloke, but very guarded and self-concious. My background is such that I’m an eldest brother of four who grew up in West Cork, Ireland. I grew up in a small town where our family was nick-named the Adams family because of my father’s physical appearance when he went walking anywhere. Naturally, secondary school was a difficult time. Similarly, anytime trouble happened in school, the principle would publicly call me to his office as a witness, resulting in me earning the tag of snitch.
My parents split up (like most) when I was 15 years old. My father was very lazy and was proud of his soft hands. He preferred to watch television than engage with me as a boy. My mother used to tell him off for taking a school class mate of mine fishing instead of me. When he moved out of home, I was at the age of discovering girls. I was very shy as a kid, blushed a lot and struggled with life generally. They say that dogs can smell fear. Well, believe me, other kids can smell fear and shyness just as well. My father provided me little encouragement or support as a kid. Once day I told him about the weekend gone and how I got drunk with my friends. I told him this in hope that he would see an opportunity and talk to me about drinking in general (hoping that it would lead onto other input on his behalf). Instead he told my mother and I got in trouble. After the separation he used to visit us every fort-night. He would have lunch on his own leaving us all to wait in the car until he was finished. I was told one day after shaving that I looked like a vampire. On another occasion, whilst he drove my three young brothers and me to his house for the weekend, he started to provoke me in the car and asked me if I had ever kissed a girl. This was humiliating to me in front of my brothers.
My father was never interested in asking me about girls, showing me how to shave, teach me how to drive nor explain what the essence of a man is.
Fast forward to right now, and I find myself living in Perth, with a few friends and engaged to an Australian girl.
I sometimes simply feel like I’m not living.
So to directly answer your question, I have never felt like I was a man. I wish I had the masculinity that most blokes have, but alas I do not. I wish I never had a father, instead of suffering the prick that was physically there for a time in my life. This is my cross to bear.
Mathew - Man Week guest blogger
over 2 years ago
Reply ReportThanks Lia
Liamay
over 2 years ago
Reply ReportMathew what a fantastic blog and interesting read
Mathew - Man Week guest blogger
over 2 years ago
Reply ReportKirstie
over 2 years ago
Reply ReportThis is a great blog Mathew! It's incredibly thought provoking, and a really interesting read.
The comments around what happs when a father is absent from boy's lives is especially interesting -- do boys feel the need to become 'men' earlier in these cases?
anna
over 2 years ago
Reply Reportgreat blog post Mathew! It seems like your father has had a really big influence on your development into a man.
Interested in Ehon's point too - what about when you don't grow up with a dad? What or who influences you then?
And what about for people who lose their father - is there the pressure to become 'a man' (versus a child or teenager) earlier than you might otherwise?
Mathew - Man Week guest blogger
over 2 years ago
Reply ReportHi Ehon and thanks for the thought provoking reply.
I think discussing the role of dads in developing a sense of 'manliness' isn't as simplistic as whether or not you need them. I would try to take a more nuanced perspective.
There is no doubt that there are plenty of guys who would consider themselves 'men' who have grown up without their Dad being around.
I think it would be hypocritical of me and undesirable for anyone else to try and suggest that these guys are any more or less 'men' because of the absence of a Dad.
What I was hoping to trigger is a broader discussion about what kind of impact your dad had, and when your dad was absent – what impact did that have? Did it have no impact or a great impact? Who did you look to as a role model for masculinity and why?
As for my opinion, I reject the idea of 'manliness'. I don't think it's a useful construct. I think it intimidates disenfranchised men, and segregates society on gendered lines.
However it can't be denied that it has a huge impact on society. To that extent my dad had a huge influence on my understanding of masculinity, and I can't imagine what my world view would be like if it wasn't for him.
ehon
over 2 years ago
Reply ReportHey Mathew! :-) Great post! It's nice to have a story that people can relate to.
In my opinion, I think this is verging on being stereotype - that you need a dad to be a man? I could be wrong, but that's the perception I get from the blog post?
I believe that becoming a man or being a man doesn't necessarily have to be about dad. I recently had a chat with a group of guys who are walking from Sydney to Brisbane to raise awareness of ReachOut.com and fund for Inspire. One of the things that Pete said was, "When my mum died, I had to grow up - I had to become a man". And I asked him what did he mean by that? He was 21 and "losing a mother figure at that age, you have no one to guide you and to teach you - and you are forced to grow up". So, I think that becoming a man or being a man doesn't necessarily have to involve dad. That being said, I understand and empathise those who lost their dad - its a tragic thing to love someone you love so much - but I think that doesn't mean that they wouldn't or cannot or might struggle to become a man.
I could have be wrong and could have read the message of your post in the wrong way. :-)
Its enlightening to know how your dad has served as a role model to you and how much you have learned from your dad!