ROdown Blog
What I know
I never was able to concentrate in school after about age 8. The next 7 years before I left school early were full of confusion and grief, mostly aimed at myself for not being able to study or complete assisnments/homework.
I never shared this because the way I saw it, I was just too lazy after school, and too distracted while at school to listen. Always using the sympathy card. Only a few things interested me and even in those subjects teachers who once felt I was the only one listening to them, ended up being disappointed in me for not completing their units.
In primary school my wheel-chair bound arthritic Aunt was my teacher. Through fun she taught me many many things after school with my cousin of the same age. The only lesson I missed until now was "Don't take life too seriously Zoe" She died when I was 12 from being riddled with cancers. Then
I spent my teenage years trying to 'fit' somewhere, make people laugh at the same time as not finding life very amusing. I ended up getting into a portfolio based Film Diploma course last year, for the first 6 months I was enjoying life for what felt like the first time. Then I started seeing someone at uni and I couldn't concentrate anymore. The only thing I'm good at is people. I feel everything.
Anger, awkwardness, attraction, admiration, even slight irritation. But before I started meditation, I misread all these emotions. I was always trying to figure out what people were thinking attatched to these emotions. I actually thought they all stemmed from me, and in a way they did because I let them. When you are in a semi-constant state of grief the people closest to you interpret that as their doing and it's a slippery chaotic slope to many fights and feeling that empty lonely darkness afterwards. I've found myself bringing the absolute worst out in confident productive people, simply from being "depressed."
Something happened to me that changed it all, I learned that I don't need to listen to what's in my head, and through practice and training your mind to think differently you can have amazing affects on everyone. I started writing this feeling apathetic and since remembering I feel that warmth and contentedness that I never felt before making the decision.
Here is briefly what I decided:
1. Life is hard for everyone, if you cannot help someone, don't hinder them.
2. Every emotion you flow onto others IS felt, even if it's interpreted wrongly. I actually believe you can find the good part in anyone, even if only briefly, YOU make the difference.
3. The only goal I have now is to help others, through what I am interested in, which is filming real life.
4. I honestly think there will be no need for a "career" sort of life, if we create a wholeness of consciousness.
That feeling of loneliness is inbuilt into the systems of life, we need to change this on a major scale, but it only begins with a good feeling, not worry or grief at not functioning very well.
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2 Comments
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Lemon
about 1 year ago
Reply ReportJust remember that the people that 'feel' more are the ones that realise life doesn't work if you live it selfishly. If you're still feeling alone helping your friends, help someone you've never even met. The more good you flow onto the world the less lonely you/everyone will feel. Trust me. It's about being a Warrior of Peace. Warriors don't give up, they don't get tired, they definitely don't cry.
They fight for what they know is the only way.
It's about making the decision, then once made, stick with it. Don't let others opinions bring you back down. Keep fighting in a loving way, because it's all we can do.
Jayde Greene
about 1 year ago
Reply Reportone of my main goals is to help all myu friends and make sure they are ok and that im there for them when they need me most, but in doing so i seem to find myself not caring about me and when people ask me whats wrong a just say nothing even when there is.... its hard to explain but i just dont want to help myself, i dont want people worrying bout me but i like worrying bout other people.... but the more i help my friends, the more i feel alone in the world... its like no one knows what your going through but you dont want them to know