A beautiful person

A very close friend of mine, Christine, passed away last year due to brain cancer at the age of 21. It was all very sudden, and happened within a few months. I don’t know if Christine accepted the fact that her illness was terminal, even if she didn’t, she never showed any sadness. She was always upbeat, always the centre of attention, always one of the most amazing people I have known. She will always have a place in my heart.

It all started innocently enough. We were out on the town for a friend’s birthday, dancing the night away, laughing and having a great time. Nothing out of the ordinary from my group of mates. That night Christine went home early because she had a headache. Once she was home, she passed out in the bathroom and was found by her boyfriend on the floor. She was taken to St.Vincent’s hospital straight away for scans.

This is when they found a tumour.

I was at work on the Monday after when I got a message from Christine telling me she was in hospital, but everything was ok. She didn’t want to make a big deal of it all which was usual for her. A few days later we found out it was an aggressive form of brain cancer, and she would need an operation. As usual, Christine never showed she was scared. She was still upbeat, happy but a little tired. Once the tumour was removed, she went through some chemotherapy and was told the cancer was in remission, which was the best news any of us could have hoped for.

A few weeks later, everything seemed to be going fine. Christine told us she wanted to catch up at McDonalds for a coffee and to just have a general catch up. About 15 of us went to McDonalds that night. I remember Christine was very white and seemed to be putting on a front. Once we all had our coffees, Christine stood up and began talking. I don’t think I have ever heard a more deafening silence. She informed us all the cancer was back, and that she would have to go through more chemo and the doctors weren’t sure if it would be successful. She then broke down in tears.

I’m the sort of person who prefers to deal with grief on their own, and hide it from people. So, I put on a brave face and was a shoulder to cry on when everyone else was breaking down in the corner of McDonalds.

The whole way home, I could not stop shaking. As soon as I walked in the door, Mum knew something was wrong. This was the first time I broke down. And not the last.

The next few months were rough.

On Friday 14th October 2010, I woke up to 6 missed calls from a friend of mine. Right away, my heart sank and I started shaking. I was told Christine has passed away in the night, with her sister and her boyfriend sleeping beside her.

I drove the hour long drive back home, as I was living in the city at this time. I still can’t remember the drive, my mind was somewhere else. I had never felt so numb in my life. I went to a close friend’s house where a lot of the group I hang out with were. Everyone was visibly upset and comforting each other. I put on my brace face again, and didn’t want to let anyone know I was upset. I kept telling myself I had to be strong for everyone else, being sad isn’t going to change anything or help anyone.

My parents always told me I could speak to them, so did my older brother and sister, but I pushed them all away, because I kept telling myself I could deal with it alone. I went through a few months of doing a lot of dumb shit. Drinking, drugs, anything to get my mind off the grief I was silently dealing with.

I eventually realised this was a dumb idea, and decided to speak with my parents. This was probably the best idea I have ever had. My dad told me he went through the same stuff when his father passed away a few years ago. He told me he was even on anti-depressants, which none of us kids knew about. Now I know where I get the mentality of thinking that dealing with grief alone is a good idea.

I still grieve today, but it has gotten better. I still think about Christine, and what she meant to me. I choose to only think of the good times. Christine was a fantastic artist and she once drew a colour pastel picture of a close up of a gorilla’s face. After 2 weeks of annoying her, I finally got her to sell it to me but she would only accept $20. I told her she would be a super star one day and that this $20 is her first ever commission. I had never seen a smile that big before then. The picture is up in my room, and I like to look at it in the mornings and smile, thinking about how lucky I was to know such a beautiful person.

A few weeks ago, everyone who was close with Christine participated in the Relay for Life, and raised nearly $2000 for cancer research. Anything to help find a cure, so no one has to go through what my mates and I went through.

Grief’s a hard thing to deal with, whether you do it behind closed doors, or openly. Everyone has their own ways to deal with that they’re feeling. So long as everyone knows it gets better, and there are always people who you can turn to and that there are services out there (like psychologists or websites) anyone can use is all that matters.

For more info on how to cope with grief and loss, why not check out some more ReachOut.com fact sheets and stories...

• Working through your grief (Fact sheet)
• Supporting a friend with a life threatening illness (Fact sheet)
• Remembering Elyse(Story)