Adoption - coping with finding out you are adopted

Finding out you're adopted

People find out that they're adopted in different ways.  These days, it's not uncommon to find out when you're so young you might not remember being told. 

Or you might find out when you're older, or find out accidentally, potentially resulting in shock, disbelief, or perhaps anger.

However you find out you're adopted, at some stage you might start to think about whether or not you want to contact your birth parents. 

People feel differently about this, and might have mixed emotions. Some people might have an instant desire to find out more about their biological parents and background, whereas others may not feel the need or urge, or may in fact feel strongly that they do not want any contact. 

Everybody's response is individual, and can depend on a number of factors, including the way you find out about your adoption, or the stage of life you are at.

Open adoption

It is becoming more common for Australian-born adoptees to grow up in "open" adoption situations.  This is where there is some level of contact between adoptive families and birth families as the adoptee grows up. 

This contact can happen in different ways - sometimes there is regular face to face contact with birth relatives, other times the families exchange letters and photos over the years, and sometimes there is just the possibility to exchange information. 

This is happening more often because the authorities have learned that is good for people to grow up with access to information about their past, while at the same time having the possibility of knowing biological relatives. 

It's not always easy in practice though - sometimes contact with your birth parents can be hard work. You might find that the contact is not as regular as you would like, or that you feel a bit distant from your birth relatives when you have contact with them. 

You might even worry about them or get angry with them - it's important to get some help with these feelings, especially if you don't feel okay talking to your adoptive parents about it. 

If you have had contact with birth relatives in the past, but have lost contact, speak to your parents or the government department that holds the records on this.

Intercountry adoption

Most adoptions that happen these days are intercountry adoptions, ie when a baby from another country (Korea, China or Ethiopia for example) is adopted into an Australian family. 

In these cases often the adoptee is growing up with a family that is of a different race and culture to their heritage. 

For some people this can cause some difficulties; for example, if they live in an area where there are few people from other cultures and they encounter some racist views.

It is really important to keep some links to the country of your birth. You might want to learn the language, look for friends with a similar background, learn about the history or visit the country.

For intercountry adoptees, there is often a much smaller chance that birth relatives can be located if the adoptee decides to search for them. 

This can be quite a hard thing to come to terms with.  It is certainly not impossible to trace relatives, but in many cases there are not good records available in the countries the baby came from. 

Some adoptees go to their country of origin as adults and make their own search, occasionally visiting the orphanages they were looked after in.  Contact the Post Adoption Resource Centre (PARC) www.bensoc.asn.au/parc/ for more information about searching for birth relatives overseas.

How finding out you're adopted might affect you

When you find out that you're adopted you may be experiencing a range of emotions. These may including feeling:

• angry
• stressed and/or anxious
• surprised or shocked
• confused
• curious
• excited
• down or depressed 
• isolated
• embarrassed to tell others
• ashamed
• worried.

If you are experiencing these feelings it is important to look after yourself. Take time out to do something that you enjoy. Even though you may not feel like it, exercising and eating well can help. 

If the way you are feeling is affecting your day to day routine, it is a good idea to talk to someone you trust. This may be someone like a friend, school counsellor or family member. See the section on 'Things that may help you cope' in this fact sheet for more tips.

Feelings around your birth parents

You might be experiencing a whole range of feelings around your birth parents, including excitement, anger, curiosity, worry, and rejection.

Feeling angry or rejected is not uncommon, and you might have various thoughts and be asking a number of questions. 

However, if you do have these feelings it is important to find ways to express your anger safely. For some ideas check out the Anger fact sheet.

Being violent is never okay; if you are finding that you are lashing out or growing violent it may be a good idea to talk to someone like a counsellor, youth worker or local doctor. For more info about how these people can help, check out the Who can help you section.

If you are feeling worried about what might happen if you do decide to contact your birth parents, it might be helpful to keep in mind that a lot of adoptees do successfully reunite with their birth parents. 

Even where reunions have ended badly, most people say that they are still glad they searched.

For more information about managing your worry see the Anxiety fact sheet.

Feelings around your adoptive parents

You might also be experiencing a whole range of feelings around your adoptive parents, including appreciation, betrayal, or anger.

If your adoption was revealed to you at a later stage of your life, it is possible that you could feel angry towards or betrayed by your adoptive parents. 

You may be asking questions such as "Why didn't they tell me earlier?" or, "Why didn't they trust me with this information about my life?"

Find a time when you are feeling calm to ask your adoptive parents these questions. By talking through the circumstances and letting your adoptive parents know how you are feeling, it might help for you to resolve these feelings. 

In most circumstances your adoptive parents are likely to feel as if they were acting in your best interests, and if they kept the truth about the adoption from you, it didn't mean that they were untrustworthy people.

It is a good idea not to have these conversations if either you or your adoptive parents are angry. It might be helpful to find some safe ways to express your anger before talking with them. That way the outcome is likely to be more constructive.

The fact sheet on Resolving an argument or disagreement has some ideas for working out your differences.

You may be feeling worried that wanting to find your biological parents might offend or be disloyal to your adoptive parents, or you may have found your birth parents and be unsure about how to tell your adoptive parents. 

To help manage your anxiety you might find it helpful to check out the Anxiety fact sheet.

Talking to your adoptive parents may help sort out any issues you have. If you are unsure about where to start, the fact sheet about Telling someone big news might help. 

If your adoptive parents do not have the reaction you were hoping for, it may be necessary to give them some time and space. Remember while you have probably given this a lot of thought, this may be a very new issue to them. 

You may need to have the discussion with your adoptive parents a couple of times - just because you have said something once doesn't mean that it is heard. 

Over time, your adoptive parents may be ready to listen and understand the importance of this for you.  Try to be patient.

Your identity

Part of growing up is discovering your identity. As someone who is adopted, it is natural to want to find out about your birth family as well as the family you grew up with. 

You may be happy to ask your adoptive parents questions about your background, or you may wish to actually meet your birth parents. 

Check out the Making a decision whether or not to search for your birth parents fact sheet for more information about finding your birth parents.

Aside from searching for birth relatives, there are other identity questions that can come up for adoptees. 

It can feel strange growing up without knowing other people who look like you, or who share your genes and characteristics. 

This is particularly hard for intercountry adoptees who may be of a different race to their parents.  Some adoptees feel a lack of connection with the family they are raised in, or question whether they belong.

Things that may help you cope

Talk to someone - It may be helpful to talk to someone about how you are feeling. This may be a friend, or family member, or else you might prefer to speak to someone who is not so closely involved in your situation, for example, a school counsellor School counsellor, school nurse or teacher. 

If you would rather speak with someone anonymously, you could call the Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 (free call from landline) or visit their website. Try Lifeline on 13 11 14 (cost of local call from landline). Both of these services are open 24/7. Other services may also be available depending on which state you live in.

Keep a diary - If you don't feel comfortable talking to someone, try writing it down - this may help you keep track of your feelings.

A support group - Support groups give you a chance to talk with other adoptees who are going through similar situations or have already decided to find their birth parents.

This may help you with your decision to find your birth parents. The Post Adoption Resource Centre www.bensoc.asn.au/parc/ lists different support groups within each state.