Adoption - deciding whether to search for your birth parents

Discovering our identity

Part of growing up is discovering more about our identity.  An important component of identity is knowing your family and their history. 

As someone who is adopted, it is natural to want to find out about your birth family as well as the family you grew up with. 

You may be happy to ask your adoptive parents questions about your background, or you may wish to actually meet your birth parents.

Deciding whether or not to look for your birth parents

Making the decision to search for your birth parents may be a big one with many different things to consider. For example, you may be worried your birth parents do not want to meet you, or you may not be sure whether or not you want a relationship with them. 

Your decision may also be influenced by the laws relating to adoption, which vary from state to state.  For more information, check out the links on the left side of the page.

Whatever you decide, it is important you make the decision that is best for you and have support to manage all the possible outcomes.

Things that may help make your decision

Talk to someone - It may be helpful to talk to someone about how you are feeling. This may be a friend, or family member, or else you might prefer to speak to someone who is not so close to your situation, for example, a school counsellor, school nurse or teacher.

For more info about how these people can help check out the Who can help you section.

If you would rather speak with someone anonymously, you could call the Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 (free call from landline) or Lifeline (local call cost from landline). Other services may also be available depending on which state you live in (see links).

Speak to your adoptive parents - Being worried about how your adoptive parents may feel about you wanting to find your birth parents is normal. Talking to your adoptive parents may help to sort out any issues you both have. Your adoptive parents may also be a good support for you if you decide to search for your birth parents. For more info check out the Telling someone big news fact sheet.

Keep a diary - If you don't feel comfortable talking to someone, try writing it down - this may help you keep track of your feelings. 

A support group - Support groups give you a chance to talk with other adoptees who are going through a similar time or have already decided to find their birth parents. This may help you with your decision to find your birth parents. The Post Adoption Resource Centre (PARC) lists different support groups within each state.

Check out the Decision making fact sheet for more ideas about how to make the best decision for you.

Your options

Deciding to search for your birth parents

You might decide you want to find your birth parents for any number of reasons. You could be interested in finding out a bit more about your family background, or about where you got your talents from, or a bit about your family medical history.

Once you have made the decision to search for your birth parents, you may have mixed feelings about it. You may feel excited, relieved or anxious. These feelings might change over time.

Try to remember that meeting your birth parents may not change the way you feel about being adopted. It takes time to work through those feelings.

Talking to someone you trust about how you feel may help. This person may be a friend, your adoptive parents or members in a support group. A counsellor or psychologist may also be helpful. The Who can help you section will have more information about how they can help.

The search process

For some people who search for birth relatives, the search may be fairly straightforward and quick, especially if the person they are searching for has put their name on an adoption contact register. 

In most cases, however, it is more complicated. It's important to be prepared for all kinds of scenarios - there are no guarantees about whether you will be able to find the person, or what will happen when you do. The person may have died, or may be impossible to trace for some reason. They may have given a false name at the time of adoption, or may have moved overseas. 

Mostly, however, people are able to be located. There may also be the possibility of finding other relatives such as siblings, who may or may not have been told about you.

For more state-specific information on how to find your birth parents, have a look at the Post Adoption Resource Centre website.

Searching for birth parents from different countries

For people who were adopted into Australia from other countries, searching can be much more difficult. Some countries do not keep good records of birth relatives, and sometimes it was not clear who the parents were at the time of adoption.

It is still worthwhile to search, because it is certainly possible for some intercountry adoptees to locate their birth relatives, but the process will probably be quite complicated. Some adoptees go to their country of origin as adults to do their own search.

In most states of Australia the law states that adopted people cannot be told the names of their birth mother until they have reached the age of 18. In some cases, adoptive families will have already known these details.

Contacting birth parents or other relatives

Once you have found the address of the person you are searching for, you need to think carefully about how you are going to approach them. It is always better to write a letter in the first place rather than phone or turn up on their doorstep, because people need time to digest information and you don't want to shock them. 

You need to be aware that other family members may not have been told about you, so your approach may be bringing up a big family secret.  It's very important to be sensitive to how the other person may feel about your approach to give you a better chance of establishing a lasting relationship with them. 

There are organisations (such as the Post Adoption Resource Centre - PARC) that will act as intermediaries by making contact with your birth relative sensitively on your behalf until both parties feel ready for direct contact.

Reactions from birth parents

Like you, it is possible that your birth parents will have a variety of reactions about being contacted. They may feel excited, nervous, guilty or surprised. It might take them some time and space to manage these feelings. 

Remember, you may have given your decision to find your birth parents a lot of thought, but it may be new to them. It is possible that you are ahead of them in the process of working through how you feel about being adopted and having a relationship with your birth parents.

They still may have unresolved feelings and may need time to work through what it means to have you back in their life. Try to be patient with them.

Once you have decided to find your birth parents, you might find that your birth parents have taken out a 'contact veto'. This means that even though you may be provided with information about your birth parents, you are not allowed to contact them. 

It is not uncommon to feel hurt, angry, shocked or helpless and to have questions about why they have chosen to do this. Managing these feelings can be hard. Talking to someone you trust can help to work through these feelings. 

It is also a good idea to find ways to look after yourself. Remember, their decision not to meet you does not mean you are any less of a person.

Deciding not to search for your birth parents

While many adoptees choose to search for their birth parents, it is also not uncommon to decide that you do not wish to search for your birth parents.

This might be for any number of reasons. For example, you might be satisfied with your life the way it is, and see no reason to contact your birth parents.  Or, the timing might not be right, or else you might simply not be interested in finding your birth parents.

Just as your birth parents might be able to register a contact veto against you, (laws vary from state to state - see state-specific information on the right hand side of this page for more information), you might be able to prevent your biological parents from contacting you in the same way.

Deciding whether or not to search for your birth parents might be a relatively straight-forward process, or might be complex and take a long time. 

Whatever you decide, it is important you make the decision that is best for you, and that you try to prepare for all of the possible outcomes.

Acknowledgement

Thanks to the Post Adoption Resource Centre (PARC) for their feedback and assistance in preparing this fact sheet.