Assessing a relationship

Working out what's best for you

We have lots of different relationships in our lives:

• Friends.
• Family.
• Teachers.
• Doctors.
• Work mates.
• Girlfriend/boyfriend and so on.

Sometimes relationships work well and are easy going, and other times they can be hard and you may wonder if they are worth it.

Most relationships have their difficult times, the trick is to stick at it through the hard times. You may feel like avoiding talking to that person or want to reassess the relationship.

Reassessing the relationship

In reassessing the relationship with another person you may want to consider some of the following things:

Are you getting what you want from the relationship?

If being in that relationship is not making you or the other person satisfied then it might be worth reconsidering how much time you spend with them. It may be worth considering what you want from the relationship. You might want to check out the Starting out fact sheet for more information.

Are you willing to compromise?

When you disagree, argue, or are fighting with someone you may find it hard to listen to their point of view. To maintain a relationship you may both need to:

• Agree to disagree.
• Walk away + take time out.
• Give + take a little.
• Keep talking about what is important to you + listen to what is important to them.
• Respect yourself + the other person.
• Think about what is fair.
• Remember having different opinions + ideas is ok. Avoiding conflict is not necessarily healthy. Resolving disagreements in a respectful way can be a sign of a healthy relationship.

How significant is the person to you?

If the person means a lot to you like a friend, a parent or carer, it is probably worth putting effort into maintaining the relationship - but this does not mean that you should put up with bad treatment.

You may have relationships where you feel you have limited choices. These may be with a teacher, carer, employer, workmates or a family member. It's not uncommon to be in a relationship with someone you do not like. This may be because:

• You have a personality clash.
• They've done something you don't like. 
• You don't agree with their decisions or rules.
• They are abusive. You may want to check out the Domestic violence fact sheet for more information about abuse.

It is not ok to be abusive. If you are experiencing violence you might want to talk to someone you trust like a friend, family member or counsellor see the Who can help you section for more information.

How often do you have to see them?

If you are fighting with a teacher, a parent or carer chances are you are going to have to see them regularly. This can make it difficult to change the relationship and you may have to compromise on some things for the time being.

Are you safe?

In some cases you may feel threatened in a relationship and fear for your safety. If you do not feel safe with someone avoid situations where you are alone with them. Make a safety plan for yourself, which includes:

• Letting people know where you are and who you are with.
• Tell friends, family, and people you trust and ask them to help protect you by being around when they are there.
• Listen to your feelings. If you start to feel unsafe, leave as soon as you can.
• If you are out, take phone or transport money with you or arrange for someone to pick you up.
• Have someone with you or close by when breaking it off.
• Talk to someone about what you could do to legally protect yourself.

Your local police can advise you on steps you can take to protect yourself. See the Assessing your safety fact sheet.

Resolving problems

If you feel that a relationship is worth maintaining, you may just need to be clear about what problems you are having and try to find solutions.

Before talking to the other person you may want to:

• Write down a list of your concerns.
• Consider talking to someone not involved in the situation; they may provide a different perspective and help you sort things out for yourself.
• Think about areas where you are willing to compromise.
• Think of a time and space where you can talk about your relationship calmly.

Acknowledgement

Thanks to Family Planning NSW for preparing this fact sheet.