Being patient with dad

By: A Young Person

“That’s so demented”

Just one of those sayings you hear on the playground? I used to think so. Until recently I figured 'demented' was just another way of saying stupid – a way of describing some of the seemingly crazy things my parents did.

Now the word takes on an entirely different meaning.

My dad has dementia. It’s a disease that affects his memory and as it progresses will affect other functions like reasoning and decision-making, how he perceives the world, how he speaks, and how he acts. As he has gotten older his memory has begun to deteriorate, gradually at first, but now more dramatically.

At first it was hard to tell. Like he just couldn’t remember what mum had asked him to do. She’d ask him to go to the shops to buy mile, only to find out later he bought bread instead because he couldn’t remember what he’d been sent to buy. Just sounds typical of the males in my family to me, but gradually it has become worse. He finds it hard to name things, so refers to everything in general terms. He’ll start telling friends of his about what I’m doing at Uni, only to be very vague because he can’t remember what I am actually doing.

It’s easy to get angry at him for forgetting, especially when some of the things he forgets are about my life or are things that are important to me. It’s frustrating, but I need to remember it’s not his fault and yelling at him or getting angry are not going to help him or me. I’ve learnt to be very patient - to explain things clearly, sometimes multiple times. Sometimes I have to write him notes to help him remember. I’ve found it helps to remember that he doesn’t mean to forget things.

It must be scary to realise you can’t remember things like where you were going or the name of the suburb your daughter lives in.

The reality is that he is not going to get much better. It’s quite likely that he will get worse. Eventually he may need care.

I’ve found it really helps to talk to friends of mine whose grandparents have had dementia. They seem to understand what it’s like. Mum’s decided to join a support group for people – partners, children, grandchildren and friends - who care for people with illnesses like dementia. It’s great to talk to people who know what we are going through, people who know how frustrating this illness is, not just for those who have it, but those around them.