Bigger than my body

18 year old male from Queensland

So I've never had the best relations with my parents. My dad left and went overseas to work when I started year 1, and I was five. I can't remember anything about him from before then. If my mum never mentioned him, I doubt I would have even known he existed. My parents didn't get divorced or anything, which, in retrospect, kinda made it even harder. He had gone overseas to work so that he could make more money, send us to a private school and buy a bigger house. In my personal opinion, none of this beats raising your own children, but I guess it was his decision to make.

My dad left for 10 years, coming back ever year or so for a fortnight and heading back overseas. I never really got to know who he was and I guess he never really got to know me. I grew up, had my own stories, my own experiences, learned how to ride my own bike and did my own homework, usually without him there. But when I started year 11, he decided to come back. He figured that he had missed too much of our (myself, my younger brother and older sister) development, which in my opinion he had pretty much already missed.

So at the age of 16, I suddenly found myself in a household with a mother and a father. This man, who I had never really met, assumed the role of my dad. Suddenly I had a man telling me when I could and couldn't go out and how much money I would get every week as an allowance. We never got along, I would fight with him all the time, and he would yell back all the time. As petty as it sounds, he favored my brother and sister. At Christmas, his presents were always money (he never really knew what we were into), and my siblings would get $100 and I would get $50. He didn't let me study the subjects I wanted to study at high school, it was always Physics (which I quit) over History (which I topped) and Maths over English. Making music (which I love) was meant to be a holiday activity, not a weekly passion. He almost didn't let me on the National Youth Roundtable as he saw contributing to a greater good to be worth less than contributing to my academics.

During year 12, my mum developed an alcohol problem, that both her and my father continue to deny today. Ironically they are a nurse and a doctor. Her health continues to diminish. She had lost her license indefinitely due to drink driving and has been admitted to hospital twice. She drinks heavily 24/7 and refuses to admit she is unhealthy. She can't go an hour without a drink. I am ashamed to introduce her to people.

Somehow, throughout High School, I stayed strong. I figured that if anyone knew how I felt about my family, that our friendship would weaken. I rarely invited people over to my house in case they had to meet my parents. I never let anyone know how crap I was feeling, and how depressing it was to go home every night. I ironically managed to become Captain, although I never saw my life as the role model type. I graduated with an OP2, which my dad decided to tell me, could never have been achieved, unless he had come back (although I changed all my subjects behind his back).. He told me what preferences I should choose for uni courses. I had no choice but to put them down.

I planned a prison break during year 12, and convinced my Aunt to help me financially to go to America for 3 months, and take the first six months off uni. My best friend, who lives in Michigan, housed me for the best 3 months of my life, and I wildly applied to as many colleges in America in the hope that I would be able to stay over there for uni. I was accepted, on full scholarship, to the best Business and Economics University in the New York Metropolitan area, with alumni who are the presidents of the NY Stock Exchange, the NASDAQ and Fortune 500 companies. I was accepted to study economic development and trade. My father, who hated the fact that I didn't want to study Law (which is postgraduate in America), didn't support my decision to stay financially and on visa papers. I had no choice but to come home.

I learnt something whilst I was away. We, as youth, and people in general, have such a small snapshot of time to create ourselves, define ourselves, love ourselves and be the best people we can be. Never, should the decision to take control of our own lives be compromised. And if it is, never feel as though you should accept it. Never feel as though other peoples problems are your own to solve. You can let them know you are there to help in anyway, or that you encourage them to make a decision. The decision or problem is never yours.

When I came back from America, I applied to change university course, I told my mother that she has a drinking problem that shouldn't have to affect me, and I got ready to move out of home and take control over my own life. I have never made a better decision in my life. I now have a better understanding of who I am, who I want to be, and how much I love the people who never doubt that you can do it on your own. Not all the problems have disappeared. My mum still drinks, and I'm pretty sure that I'll be getting cash for Christmas. Yet this year, I can stand on my own two feet and say confidently I know who I am, who I love and what I want to be, and that is all that matters.

For more info on issues raised in this story, why not check out some other ReachOut resources...

• Helping a friend with a drinking problem(Fact sheet)
• Moving away to attend university(Fact sheet)
• Helping a friend or parent who may have a drinking problem(Story)