Breaking the cycle

By: 19 year old female from Tasmania

I don't know a lot about anything. I was never one of the smartest or most popular people in school. I never believed in following the crowd but instead I believe in making a difference. I was raised well, I was taught to treat others how I wish to be treated, always said please and thank you, and smiled at passers by. I went to a private all girls school, completed year 12, and moved away from home to start uni, a Bachelor of Health science in 2005.

About 5 months later, my long term boyfriend and I split up, we were too young and too serious he thought. So maybe it was loneliness that I ended up drinking down at the local pub, perhaps it was boredom, I'm not sure. But one thing is for sure, it was lust that drove me to Tom, a regular at the bar. We got talking and it took a while for him to persuade me to go out with him i'd treat you like a princess" he'd always say.

So when he asked me out, I said yes, and that night he came over and never went home. He was 26, with brown hair and blue eyes and I didn't even mind that he had a three year old daughter, within a month I felt like she was my own. I was so happy, he treated me like royalty. And for the first time I felt like I didn't need my ex- but we remained friends.

Until one night, after about a month, Tom asked me who I was messaging on my phone - so I told him the truth "just asking my ex what he's been up to." to which I received "why the F$@# are you talking to him?!" I put it down to jealousy and thought I would have felt the same way so I let it go.

But it didn't stop there, Tom spent more and more time down at the pub. Every night was the same, from work he'd go straight to the pub, and wouldn't come home until about 9 or 10pm. And when his dinner was cold I would cop more abuse. "well don't start making F&*$ing tea until I get home." Never mind the fact that I worked as well as studied full time and was usually in bed by 10.

Then one weekend my mother came up from Hobart, Tom was still out drinking so Mum and I decided to hit the casino for a girls night out to take me away from the usual house work. We had a wonderful night and came home about midnight with and extra $1000 in our pockets. I rolled up my half and put it in the freezer in fear that Tom would find it.

About half an hour later Tom staggered home and sat himself down on the couch. While mum was out for a cigarette I decided to undo the sofa bed so we would have a place to sleep. "honey can you please hop up for a minute so I can undo the bed?"

Tom replied with "why the F%$# do you need the F%$#ing bed? can't she just sleep on the couch?"

"No Sweetheart, c'mon get into bed and I'll be there in a minute".

SLAP accross the face came his hand and he threw me into a wall, and I turned around to see my own mother. I couldn't believe that Tom had just hit me in front of her. She got into my bed and I undid the sofa bed and got in and lay there awake while Tom lay next to me in a drinken haze. I cried myself to sleep that night.

And when mum left in the morning I held onto her "please dont leave me", I cried.

I was so scared.

"Just remember darling that I love you but I can't live with you."

and she went home.
 
After about 5 months I just kept making excuses for his behaviour, every night I cried my self to sleep, and Tom would be passed out drunk, I just learnt to shut down. The unit we were living in got too crowded when he'd have his drinking buddies over so we decided to move into a house.

The house hunting alone was hard - Tom insisted he had to have a shed, a garage and a fenced in backyard all for under $200 a week. In the end I found a place, although it only had a car port but after much argue ment he gave in.
 
For his birthday I threw him a 26th surprise birthday party- he just threw the dirty laundry at me.

For grand final day I invited all of his friends into my home for a BBQ, and again Tom got drunk and abusive.
 
Then one night I returned home from work at 11pm to find Tom and a house full of his friends with alcohol stains all over my cream carpet, beer cans all over the yard, and his friend peeing against my house. I hid my anger and just went to my room to get changed when I hear

"BANG BANG BANG on the door.

"F%$#ing wake up to yourself you stupid bitch!" I went to the bathroom, "You're a stupid slut, F&%$ing wake up to you self you F*&%ing whore!!"

"Excuse me! I'm in the bathroom!" I replied.

I went out into the kitchen to find Tom stabbing one of my stainless steel knives into the bench. "Tom I want you to leave" I said shakily, "I paid the bond, so I want you to leave my house".

"WAKE UP TO YOUR SELF YOU STUPID SLUT YOU CAN'T KICK ME OUT OF MY OWN HOUSE, YOU ARE NOTHING WITHOUT ME! YOU'RE JUST A STUPID LITTLE BITCH."

And he threw the knife at my head. It grazed passt my face and neck but I was lucky. I fell against the wall and he approached me and spat on me.

"I wouldn't even spit on the F*&%ing devil.... you stupid whore. If you dare lock this door while I'm out, so help me god I will break it down to get to you."

And he and his friends left.

I sat in the kitchen shivering and crying for what seemed like ages when I picked up the phone and called the 24 hr police station.

"Hello Launceston Police."

"Hi, um... I-I don't know If I have the r-r-right number...." I sobbed as I explained the situation. I was terrified Tom would come back any minute.

"Stay right there love, we've got someone on the way." they replied.

When the police got there I heard the knock on the door and was too scared to open it until I heard their radios.
 
That night they took a statement from me and took me to  work to sleep the night, as I knew no where else where Tom couldn't get to me. I didn't go back to my house for 4 days until I managed to get Tom off the lease and organise police to escort me to tell troy to pack and go.
I walked into my home and it was dark, I stood infront of Tom...

"Tom, it's time you left" I said in as brave-a face that I could.

"Yeah, no thanks, my name's on the lease." he replied.

"No it isn't," I answered as I held the lease under his nose.

"What and I suppose you're gonna make me move...." he smirked.

"No but the police waiting outside will." I answered as the cops walked in.

"I'm not going to pay you ANY of the money I owe you," he spat, "not one red cent!" he yelled as he packed his things and drove off.

Three days later I had the hard task of getting the rest of Tom's things out of my house, I had originally told him he could bring two friends and have one hour from 4 o'clock to get out.

Firstly his mother arrived- who, I might add, is much worse than her son. Then her friend.....then her husband.... followed by Tom and 8 of his friends. They spent the whole time abusing me and ransacking my house, I felt so violated.

I called the police to ask them to keep the peace and when they turned up I couldn't have been more grateful.

They took everything, my fridge, my washing machine, my bed, even my linen and towels. And for the sake of the peace I let them. I didn't care what they took as long as I never saw Tom again. They took the whole hour and as his mother was the last to leave she yelled out of the car door "I believe in Karma, and that little bitch has what's coming to her!" and she drove off. To which the policemen replied under their breath "and your son has what's coming to him.... you ugly skank!"

So this is the end of my story, this is supposed to be the part where I get all spiritual but I'm really not feelin it. The truth is, sucky things do happen- to all of us. I look at women in abusive relationships and think,

"How can they possibly stay- why don't they just leave?"

"That would never happen to me...."

but then I think... wait... that did happen to me.

And now you ask me the question, why didn't I leave earlier? Tom abused me not just physically but mentally. When he said I was nothing - I believed him. I felt it was too hard to leave him and believe it or not, I did love him. Because along with the bad, we also had our good times.

Tom banned me from speaking to my ex-boyfriend - I wasn't even allowed on the internet. But the most painful thing was when he abused me in front of my own Mother, here is her baby who she has raised being thrown against a wall. That would make any mother cry. That makes me cry knowing that my mother is hurting.

And the one thing I learnt from my experience is that what doesn't kill me will only ever make me stonger.

And I sit here this evening writing this story to tell all of you reading it that if ever you know someone in an abusive relationship - don't let them think they're alone, don't be critical and think it's just so easy to leave- it's not.

I sat on my couch after Tom and his friends and family left that day in my empty house, and sobbed until it got dark. I was so emotionally bruised I felt that everything was my fault. I feared a brick would be thrown through my window, or my house would be burnt down with me in it.

And to those of you in the same situation - never underestimate the power of your friends - mine have been wonderful thoughout my experience.

There is always someone worse off than you - but that still isn't a reason you should put up with it. It's ok to cry - but even when they say they're sorry.... remember that loving someone is never having to say that you are sorry.

While sitting on my couch baling my eyes out for hours I received a phone call - the police had contacted a family violence counsellor and given them my number. The counsellor had to keep confirming with me that it wasn't my fault - I had been told so many times that I was worthless and everything was my fault that I had actually started to believe it.

My friends were wonderful. Although they all asked me why the hell I hadn't called them for a place to stay - i didn't want to burden any of them, so I slept the night at work.

One of them actually said to me, "Soph, you're not the same person.... you used to walk in to a room and everyone would hold their breath waiting for what you would do next.... Now you walk into a room and everyone feels sorry for you." I really don't like people feeling sorry for me. I'm usually such a happy and bright person - but Tom took away every thing that made me, me.

My friends gave me places to stay for the next few weeks as I was too scared to spend the night alone, I talked about what had happened with my family and they all said they were so glad I'd left him - especially Mum.

Quite often, people don't consider verbal threats and abuse as violence, I can assure you it is. Emotional abuse often scars much longer and deeper than any flesh wound.

These days I'm doing better. I've moved on, find I have more time to my friends and myself, and I no longer feel like I'm being monitored 24/7. I don't feel anxious or upset, and I even heard someone yell "Omigod! Here come's Bron", the other day! Although I'm feeling more relaxed, there will always be that part of me that feels like it died that night.

The only way to move forward is to accept the past, I can forgive Tom for my own sanity, I still cry, but now I have shoulders to cry on.