Conflict with your brother or sister

Everyone disagrees with each other from time to time and occasional conflict is part of living with brothers and sisters (it sucks but it's true). But ongoing arguments and conflict can be stressful, annoying, and unnecessary. One or both of you might lose your temper and become intentionally hurtful, aggressive or even violent. However there are things you can do to defuse conflict and help bring about a compromise.

Why you fight

Brothers and sisters know exactly which buttons to push to make you annoyed and start an argument. Other factors that can make it harder to get along include:

• Differences in age.
• Differences in values.
• Jealousy or feeling like you're not good enough, e.g feeling as if one of you is favoured more by your parents or guadians.
• Lack of space.
• Step brothers, sisters or families.
• Competitiveness, e.g. sport or study.

What you can do

To some extent, how you handle conflict with your brother or sister depends on how old you both are, the difference in your age and what you're fighting about.

• If it's something relatively small, like teasing, try not to buy into it by ignoring them or laughing it off. Check out the bullying factsheet for more suggestions.
• Count to 10 before responding. It might sound silly but walking away and counting to 10 can be a good way to cool off anger and avoid a response that could make the situation worse.
• Talk to someone outside the situation. Getting a different perspective can help you understand why there is conflict and work out strategies to improve the situation. People you can talk to include a counselor, friend or teacher.
• Get some space away from the situation - while not solving the problem it can be good to get some head space. This might include exercising, chilling out with your friends, or just taking time in your bedroom. 

Talking it out with your brother or sister

Sitting down and talking to your brother or sister about the situation might seem difficult and nerve-racking. However, it can be a great way of sorting through ongoing issues and coming to an arrangement that works for both of you - particularly if your brother or sister is your age. If your brother or sister is younger and simply want to make your life miserable, you might talk through it with a parent and/or set some time away from the situation.

Tips for talking to your brother or sister

Try and find a time when neither of you is angry, upset, stressed or tired, and somewhere you can sit without being interrupted by the phone, tv or other people.

At the dinner table [after you've eaten] might be a good time to try and approach subjects which are on your mind. That way a parent/guardian may be able to mediate.

Be willing compromise and have a number of options you're willing to accept. Don't make it personal! Try and avoid being sarcastic and making personal comments, e.g. 'you're an idiot' because even though it might make you feel better it isn't going to help the situation. It might be helpful to stick to 'I feel' comments, e.g. 'when you keep telling me I need to get high marks to get into uni, I feel really stressed out and frustrated'.

Be honest. If there's something they do which really pisses you off, tell them (though keeping in mind the point above!). Maybe there's something that you both can do to ease the situation.

Listen to what they have to say and accept that their point of view is as valid as yours (easier said than done!).

Once a compromise is agreed upon, stick to it - this might mean agreeing to stick to it for a set period of time before reassessing it.
 
If talking to them seems impossible it can be helpful to write a letter or email explaining how you feel and your point of view.

Agreeing to disagree

If you simply cannot find a way to compromise, you might find you have to 'agree to disagree'. Remember that you can make your own decisions, based on your own experience, beliefs and values, and whether or not you accept your parents', guardians' or carers' views.