Dealing with suicide

By: Anon

The past insists on being heard in the present, but if only the present could be heard in the past. If only I could say to Jason back then, what I wish to say to him now. If only....

I can still remember the time ....

I feel guilty, in part, about his death I can still remember the time when he was here like yesterday. It has been branded into my mind like a painful reminder, scolding my heart. Every day that passes I think about him, the traumas he faced, the difficulties he overcame and the feeble escape that he took. I feel guilty, in part, about his death, but my guilt would overcome me if I let him live in my memories. I'll always be there with him; I'll never leave his side again. If only I could ask him why he committed suicide.

The day I read the suicide note my heart was quartered. Even today it is still mending. The soft stationary I held in my hand sealed within a scented envelope. Slowly and reluctantly I peeled back the envelope and peeled it open. It was nearly impossible for me to read, for my heart had stopped, my throat had choked and my eyes were flooded. My mouth trembled as his hands must have done and gradually I began to read the poem followed by a letter.

I've felt the darkness,

Closing in on me.

Chilling shadows,

Surrounding me.

I've had the poison

 Leak into my skin

And it's corroding my heart away

Fade away, cut away....

Dark night of my soul, dark night of my soul.

I knew it was isolation that he was talking about. Even in his world full of friends he still felt as though he was alone. Living in a barren land, full of people, yet not one cared for him. If only I could tell him that we all cared.

Now, everyday, I dream of what could have been what should have been. I look for myself, taking Jason with me and all that he has taught me. He has taught me more about life than any other teacher could dream of doing, more than any father or mother could hope to, more than I believed possible until I experienced it. You believe that you know everything until you're taught something new and you realise that if you don't. If only I could thank him and tell him that I loved him.