Even in the darkest moments...

When people meet me now, they see a confident 21 year old who loves life.  But things haven't always been that way. 

There are always reminders of the way that I used to be, the antidepressants, the scars on my body, and the friends that I no longer see.  But even in the darkest moment, there was always some light.

All through school I have been the odd one out.  I couldn't seem to find my place within the social standings at school and from then on my love-hate relationship with isolation began. 

I always used to joke that I never had a social life, but at the core of that I was really just hurting from real or perceived rejection.

By grade 12, I developed a severe hate for every single part of me and wanted nothing better than to see myself dead. 

Every night I would try to build up the courage within myself to finally end my life, but then I saw myself as a failure because I could never go through with it.

By 2002, I had been hospitalised in a private mental health facility for two months, and I was taking up to 10 tablets a day including antidepressants, antipsychotics, and antianxiety medication. 

During that year I was also subjected to verbal and emotional abuse from people that I trusted. I had insulated myself so much that I could no longer feel pain, physical or emotional, and I was drawn towards people that were hurting me. 

For three years, I was on a continual cycle of psychiatrists, medications, and hospitals.  I had no will to live, and I believed that I had no future and no hope and I could see no light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel. 

By the end of 2004, with the encouragement of my family and the few friends that I had left, I decided to seek the help that I needed to become someone different to who I was. 

I began a live in programme that specifically helped young women with life controlling issues.  This programme allowed me to confront my demons and my past, and allowed me the freedom that I so longed for. 

I have moved on from that person who I no longer recognise.  I no longer take any medications, see any psychiatrists, and hide away from the world. 

I have great friends and family around me who have never given up and have believed in me the whole way, and I also have an amazing support network of people who I know that I can turn to whenever I need a hand. 

I want to let everyone know that there is a future, and there is a hope and to never, ever give up.  There is always people who believe in you and who want to see you be the best that you can be.