Fact sheet for siblings of a child with a disability

There are times we all face hardships in our family life, but in a family with a disabled member these challenges can occur more frequently and feel harder to get through. The behaviours and needs of the person can be so demanding that it may at times seem like the whole family revolves around them. This might be especially stressful for the other brothers and sisters in the family.

Living with a person with a disability can also have great rewards and be a lot of fun too. Your sibling might have many special qualities, and your interaction with them might also give you an increased ability to understand and empathise with people who have special needs.

This fact sheet is to help make things a little easier for you if you are finding it hard to cope being a sibling of a person with a disability.

How is it different living with someone with a disability?

Disabled or not, brothers and sisters can drive you crazy. However, when they have an intellectual and/or physical disability not only do they treat you differently, but you can't respond to them like you would with a non-disabled person. For example, they could be fourteen but still throw tantrums like a three year-old. Or, you might have to lock up your things because they go through your stuff, even though you say not to.

Siblings of people with disabilities often have more duties and responsibilities in the family. You might have to help out with toileting, feeding, and dressing your brother or sister and keep an eye on them so they don't cause any mischief. They might require a lot more attention and patience, which can be difficult if you're stressed out or in a rush.

What impact might this have?

Having extra responsibilities and difficulties can sometimes get in the way of other things you need to do. You might have trouble getting homework done because your brother's behaviour causes a disturbance, or you might be tired at school because your sister wouldn't go to sleep.

It can change the sorts of things you do as a family because some activities are hard to do if one person has trouble understanding things or can't move around very well. Also it might be hard for you to have quality time with your parents because they may seem too busy caring for the disabled member of the family.

How might this make siblings feel?

It's easy to see that there are a lot of things that change when a child in the family has a disability and sometimes it's difficult to deal with feelings that arise.

Some thoughts and feelings you experience might include:

Sadness

About your brother or sister and the things he or she can't do.

Resentment

That your parents spend so much time with or focus on your brother or sister much more than focusing on you.

Anger and or embarrassment

About how your brother or sister behaves.

Guilt

About your own abilities and successes.

Fears

About the future and who will care for your brother or sister.

Concerns

About creating your own family.

Any of those sound familiar? These kinds of things can hurt to think about and might make you feel bad sometimes, but they're all totally understandable and it is okay to feel that way.

It's okay to be angry and it's okay to feel frightened or sad - after all, emotion is what makes us human. What is important is how you manage those feelings.

As a sibling of a person with a disability you might sometimes think that you don't deserve to ask for help because your brother or sister is "worse off" than you are or because you think telling your parents that something is wrong will stress them out more. However, you've got to learn to put yourself first sometimes. You deserve to be happy and loved, and there are lots of people out there who will help if you reach out to them.

Some of the people you might reach out to include:

Parents

Talk to your mum and dad and let them know how you're feeling. Do you want to know what will happen to your brother or sister when your parents can no longer care for him? Ask them. Do you feel stressed and find yourself getting upset by little things? Let them know and organise time you can set aside to spend with them to talk about these things.

Siblings are good at putting on a brave face and a smile, so your mum and dad might not know anything is wrong. They love you, but they're not mind readers.

School Counsellor

Don't feel ready to talk to mum or dad? Your school counsellor is a great person to turn to. They'll help you work through how you might be feeling, and if it's been a particularly tough week at home with your sibling, they can help you to get extra time on assignments and other things like that. Sometimes people have trouble really understanding what it's like living with a person with a disability, but counsellors have experience and training which will help them see things from your point of view and offer advice.

Friends

Friends are great for helping you to get your mind off things. Get some time away by staying at friends' houses every now and then. It's important that you can relax and de-stress. Chilling out and having fun with your mates will make you feel much happier.

Helplines

Lifeline: 13 11 14 - cost of a local call from a landline and Kids Helplne: 1800 55 1800 free call from a landline. Both are confidential services that are available 24/7.

You may also want to check out the Carers Australia website for more information about state specific services available.

Support Groups

Search for Siblings support groups and camp retreats in your area.

Growing up as a sibling of a child with a disability has its challenges, but there are many happy moments. Notice the things you admire in your sibling, the things that make you laugh, and the things that make them special.

Every now and then, try and spend some quality time doing something nice with them. Even if it's just watching a half hour TV show together or giving them a hug.

The person you are is so much more because of the experiences you've had. Be proud of yourself and who you are, and give yourself a break once in a while!