Gratitude + forgiveness - their influence on your happiness

What is gratitude?

Gratitude is the feeling of being grateful or thankful for the past, and thinking about the past in a positive light. Research has shown that people who think about the past in a positive way have an increased capacity for happiness - something you might think is worth working towards. Check out the What is happiness fact sheet to find out more about happiness.

Feelings about the past

You might experience a variety of feelings when thinking about the past - from pride, satisfaction, contentment through to bitterness and anger. These feelings are all actually controlled by your thoughts about the past (your memories), which in turn can be controlled by you.

If you have bad memories, you might be able to change them to neutral or good memories through forgiveness. Or, you might be able to challenge the way you think about a past event if your thinking has been faulty, and turn it into a neutral or good memory.

So, this means that you have ultimate control over your feelings about the past, and if you can control your thoughts and feelings, you can influence your happiness. This might not be easy at first, but try it out, and see how you go.

Talking to someone like a counsellor can be a helpful way to manage difficult experiences and feelings so that your feelings about them become neutral. For more information check out the Who can help you section of the website.

Stuck in the past?

Do you believe that your past determines your future? If you believe this to be true, you are reducing the amount of control that you have in what happens in your life.

If you believe you have no control over your future, you are also more likely to experience the feeling of 'stuckness', and feel that no matter what action you take, it won't make a difference to your life.

The past doesn't dictate your future

Research suggests that the commonly held belief that childhood events determine the course of your life is not always right. You do not need to be a prisoner of your past - it doesn't have to determine your future.

You have control over your future, over your thoughts (about the past, present and future), which influence your feelings, and which both contribute to the way you act, and what happens in your life.

Incorporating gratitude into your everyday life

You might find it useful to keep a daily or weekly diary where you note all the different things you're grateful for. This might include events that happen or people in your life you're grateful for.

Controlled experiments have been carried out showing that people who record things they're grateful for experience an increase in joy, happiness, and life satisfaction. This is because when you focus on things you're grateful for, you amplify good memories about the past. See how it works for you!

To get an indication of how grateful you are already, check out the gratitude test on the Authentic Happiness website. You might want to re-sit this test once you've kept your gratitude diary for a couple of weeks, and see whether keeping a diary has had an impact on your level of gratitude. If your level of gratitude has increased, this might be something you decide to continue with.

Forgiveness + its importance in reducing bitter memories from the past

If you have intense and frequent negative thoughts about the past, it is likely that these thoughts will block any positive emotions such as contentment and satisfaction.

Sometimes it might seem like there are good reasons for not forgiving, and for holding on to bitterness. If you're having trouble deciding whether or not to forgive, you might want to balance up the pros and cons.

Your experience could be a very complex and difficult one. It may be especially difficult to forgive if you've been really hurt by someone. These things can take time, and it's ok if at first it hurts too much to forgive. However, if you are able to reach a point where you are not feeling bitter, it gives you a much greater chance of moving on and being able to enjoy life.

Forgiving transforms bitterness into a neutral feeling, or even a positive feeling, making it more likely you'll be happier.

In addition to having a positive impact on your happiness, if you forgive, you're more likely to be in better physical health, especially in cardiovascular terms.

If you choose to follow up forgiveness with a reconciliation, there might be even more benefits. Your relationship with the person forgiven is likely to improve greatly - and better relationships can lead to increased happiness.

To get an indication of how ready you are to forgive something someone has done to you in the past, you might want to take the transgression motivation quiz on the Authentic Happiness website.

Challenging negative thoughts about the past

In addition to forgiveness, challenging your thoughts about past events which evoke negative emotions may be helpful. In doing so, you might realise that the way you think about the event is not actually 'correct' and that this faulty thinking is making you feel negatively about something that actually deserves neutral or even positive feelings. Check out the fact sheet on Challenging negative self-talk for more info on how you might do this.

Check out Reach Out Central (ROC) for more examples of scenarios where you have a choice about how you can interpret your situation and what effect that may have on your mood and the way people react. Try-out replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, and watch your mood metre rise!

Other things that might help you

It takes practice to be able to identify and change negative thinking about the past, and might not be easy at first. Forgiveness is not always an easy choice. The following things might also assist when challenging negative thoughts and making decisions to forgive.

Talk to people - Talking to people you trust and respect about the way you think and feel about the past might be helpful, particularly people who might have been in a similar situation. This may be a family member, friend, teacher or counsellor.

You may prefer to do this anonymously - Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 (free from landline) and Lifeline 13 11 14 (local call cost from landline) have counsellors who are available 24/7, and the call does not show up on the phone bill.

Keep a diary - (In addition to your gratitude diary). You might be experiencing a whole range of thoughts and feelings about the past, and it may help to keep track of these by writing them down.

Once you identify negative feelings about the past, challenge them; see if you can re-write history.

Remember that the way you think about the past will influence the way you feel about it - and you can control this! Try out some of the suggestions, and see if you can re-shape the way you think and feel about the past, and increase your happiness.

Let us know how you go!

 

Acknowledgements

Authentic Happiness
Martin Seligman
Random House Australia (2002)
www.authentichappiness.org
(you'll have to join, free of charge, to access the various questionnaires.)

The Happiness Handbook
Dr. Timothy Sharp
The Happiness Institute
http://www.thehappinessinstitute.com