Guy's story

By Guy, 18 year old male from New South Wales

I was 15 when all of this happened I am now 18, I was at high school one day I loved it there, well except for the work bit! I had lots of friends, stayed out of trouble and had my first ever girlfriend - we met on the second day of year 7 and began dating very soon after that.

I was sitting in maths watching time go by wait for lunch break when a teacher come into the room and ask me to pack my bag and go to the principal. I didn't know what was going on, and was scared everyone was whispering as I walked out. I walked into the office to see my dad he said, "Son we have to go to the hospital something's happened to granddad" I kind of stood in shock.

We got to the hospital and my grandfather was in a bed with all these doctors around him, all of the family was there they all cried about how sad it was and hugged me. I was so confused I couldn't cry.

Within a couple of weeks we knew what was wrong... he had lung cancer caused by asbestos. They said he didn't have much chance of surviving it and there was nothing they could do.

For one year everyday I visited him in hospital. He was getting better; they were pumping the fluid out of his lungs and giving him medicines. After nearly a year he called everyone in the family to the hospital for a BBQ lunch on a Sunday. We all attended and everyone had high spirits it seemed like he was getting better.

We left Sunday afternoon I awoke Monday ready for school in very happy mood thinking everything was getting better. I walked to school got to the gate and was greeted by my girlfriends best friend she handed me a note. "This is over I have been talking to Matt and I like him more and he's my new boyfriend" I was heartbroken my first girlfriend, my first kiss I stood there confused. The bell rang for first class. I sat staring off into the distance, 10 minutes into the class a teacher come in and said I had to go to the office, I thought to myself NOT AGAIN!

My dad was there he took my sister and me to the hospital everyone was there but granddad, he passed away during the night. Everyone come over hugging me saying how sad it was crying on my shoulder. I was that angry at everything I couldn't cry, I refused to believe anything I just stood there like a statue listening to everyone's cries.

The funeral was the same no one wanted to know how I felt they all wanted to get their feelings off their chest and I took them onboard. I walked away that day feeling sick, exhausted and confused.

After a week of sitting in my room just staring at my roof, eating very little I decided I had to move on and go back to school. I went to school and withdrew from everyone. I started spending my breaks by myself, I started smoking and being the trouble causing kid. I don't know why but I did. There was a bully that had picked on me since the beginning of high school he teased me one day about my granddad, (my sister's friend had a big mouth), I punched him and walked away with a shattered wrist. I felt so alone.

I finally realised I had to do something about this. I told my dad, he took me to a counsellor, the only problem was since I had withdrawn so much I had a huge problem trusting people and doing anything different, I ate the same things for each meal everyday! She was nice and supportive I didn't say much dad talked for me. She said I should go home and write how I feel in a poem or draw a picture to represent it.

I wrote this:

He stood a rather tall fella
His looks perfect for his age
Blue eyed, combed hair,
Freshly shaved
He was nothing less
Then a handsome gentleman

He was a man without
Bitterness or hate
He had the biggest heart
Free of coal

He was a simple man
Like things to be nice
Treated everyone nice
Even if they were one
Of the few he disliked
...

He fathered two daughters
With the love of his life
They were meant to be
Both of a caring nature
Both well liked

He wanted a son
It wasn't to be
Still-born twice
He didn't dare for thrice

The day was 23rd June 1988
It was the day he hoped for
His first grandson
Guy Philip, to him Groover
...

Philip had a habit of accidents
The truth... He was clumsy
Didn't stop him from trying
His grandson had this too...

Fishing trips, walks on the beach
Helping with odd jobs, and the reward
Sips of his beer when the women
Weren't to be seen...

The day was darn sunny
An he said no Groover sonny
See this green stuff
Stay away from it, its dangerous
He turned an went straight through the green
It was nothing but moss on jaggered rocks
A couple of band-aids later it was just dandy

The day came when I was the ripe age of 15
"Son granddads been taken to hospital"
It was the first time I seen dad cry
No one knew why, until the tests were done
No one foreseen the tests we were to endure soon
...

He remained his usual self
Read his paper, watched his footy
No one knew the storm that was coming
...

He was hospitalized for a few weeks
He became rather weak, but hope remained
His courage never became bleak or absent...

I stood in the corridor as they talked
My mum and granddad, the results were back
I stood staring at the light in the ceiling
Sadly I knew what was to come...

Mum said it was time to come home
I said goodbye to granddad told him
"I love you, see you soon"
The trip home words remained absent
I knew and wished I didn't...

Arrived home and it was time for it
The family talk...
We sat and our parents informed us
It was nothing but lung cancer...
My heart stopped
Words disappeared
Tears were all but
Too fast to appear
...

All of us determined
To beat this
...

It was up hill for a few months
He returned to his home
Everything looked great
Our hopes were so high
Just to be thrown back down
...

He was ran back to hospital
It was worse then before
He was prepared to fight it
...

For weeks everyday we visited
For hours just to see him
A slowly breaking man
...

The cure...
Pump bloody sludge
From his dying lung
Through a clear tube
Watch that for a bit
It'll destroy anyone's heart...
But look into his eyes
And it'll rebuild itself

He was so determined
Fighting with everything
Depressingly it wasn't working
...

Watching his face deteriorate
His eyes slowly fade
Everyone's spirits slowly died
He knew it...

He asked for everyone to come
For one last barbeque at the hospital
How everyone wanted it to be okay...
Time to leave... Goodbyes and I loves yous
Exchanged... Somehow he knew...

That night it simply wasn't to be
His huge heart pumped no longer
He breathed no more...
He was gone...

The next morning the news comes
He was gone... We visited for a last time
...

I feel you next to me
Writing this with me
I want you to know
I love you soo much
And I'd do anything
For one more fishing trip,
Walk along the beach
Granddad I love you dearly...
You miss you muchly
...

And took it back to her. We talked a little it about it and I felt a bit better. I went home and ate something different for a change. We did this for a few weeks until I built up the courage to talk to her about it face to face. I truly wish I had RO! then I would have opened up a lot sooner I was scared about talking to a stranger face to face.

There is a few things that kept me going and one is this quote: "Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself."
- Harvey Fierstein

 

Losing someone is tough. There's resources and stories on ReachOut.com which you can check out if you need some direction.

• After someone has died - reactions (Fact sheet)
• After someone has died - practical stuff  (Fact sheet)
• Helping a friend after someone has died  (Fact sheet)