Having difficult conversations

Sometimes life throws us curveballs that we can’t catch or avoid.  The bruise takes a while to form and even longer to fade.  Over time, the people with whom we share our time also change.  Those who saw the bruises fading from blue to yellow may disappear into the ether that is life.  We go in different directions; we drift apart; distance loosens the bonds that once held those friendships tight. Suddenly, out the blue, you may be faced with an overwhelming fear of facing another curveball and there’s no longer anyone around who understands – and you don’t know how to let others in.

A few years ago, I had my own tough time.  It wasn’t the toughest of tough times but it is a time of my life I remember with a hazy sense of unease.  I was vulnerable. I was young.  I didn’t know who I was or where I wanted to be.  I had just left high school and hadn’t yet started University.  By all accounts, I was in limbo.  I was waiting for life to come find me because I didn’t know how to build it for myself.  I had a great group of friends who were going through similar yet different experiences at the time.  Together, we made it through.

These days, the friends who supported me then are still in my life but we no longer have the same relationship.  Time has allowed us to drift apart.  My new friends have no idea that the bright, bubbly oddball with whom they spend so much time used to be damaged goods.  Sometimes, these new friends ask me to trust them on simple things.  And sometimes I struggle to do that.  It’s bizarre how reluctant I can be to trust.  It’s even more difficult to sit down and reveal the dark times that I want so much to be behind me.  So we sit in silence, them hurt at my efforts to remain distant on certain things. Yet, in order to foster these amazing new friendships, I know I have to take that leap. 

Sometimes, the only way I can get these thoughts to them is in written form.  The words get stuck in my throat.  And when I do tell them, they’re always supportive.  They needed the communication. Friendships are based on openness and honesty. Chance would have it that my friends also experienced dark periods.  

So I tell them.  A little bit at a time.  One text message saying I’m having a bad day.  One personal message thanking them for being so lovely.  A hug and a whisper of thanks in their ear. We share knowing looks; an understanding without words.  We frown together, let our eyes wet with the emotion of what happened before life got better.  We take it in baby steps.  The looks in their eyes tell me that they held the same fears. Communication – it too gets better with time. 

So make the effort to have those difficult conversations with friends – because we all need to know what’s going on and how we can help. By talking about it we can help each other find our way through. And this makes our friendships stronger.

Need some help on how to best communicate your feelings? Check out some of our stories and fact sheets in these links...

Effective communication (Factsheet)

Benefits of talking to someone (Factsheet)

The importance of friends (Story)