Helping a friend who is in a sexually abusive relationship

You might notice big changes in behaviour when someone you know has been a victim of abuse.

What to look for

• Are they losing interest in activities they used to enjoy?
• Are they overly worried about what their boyfriend or girlfriend thinks?
• Are they mainly happy when they are with their boyfriend or girlfriend or are they worried and anxious?
• Are they concerned that their boyfriend or girlfriend may get angry about something either you or they might say or do?
• Are they making excuses for them all the time?
• Are they avoiding friends and social activities that don't involve their girlfriend or boyfriend?
• Do they joke about their boyfriend's or girlfriend's violent outbursts?
• Have they had unexplained injuries or do the explanations they give seem odd or unlikely?
• Has their behaviour changed dramatically since they started seeing their boyfriend or girlfriend?

How you can help your friend

Encourage your friend to talk to you - You could use the information from this factsheet as a starting point for a chat.

Try to do this when you're alone, not in front of other friends or other family members. Sometimes it can be easier if there is a focus on another activity such as going for a drive together, making a meal, or doing the dishes.

Try to get them to do most of the talking. Ask open-ended questions like "How do you feel?"; "What do your friends think about your relationship?"; "What do you want to do in the future - now and long-term?"

Listen to your friend - don't be judgemental - If they are in an abusive relationship then they probably already feel very down about themselves. Don't make them feel worse. 

Don't blame your friend for what is happening - Don't tell them what they should have done differently - concentrate on what makes them happy and how they can change things now.

Don't tell them what to do.  Instead, encourage them to think about their options.

Your friend has to find their own way through the situation, but talking to you or a trusted person can help them decide what they need to do. Your aim is to help them become an independent, assertive person. That is the best protection you can give them, and the best way of ensuring they do not become a victim of abuse again.

Make it clear that they have your support - Your friend may be feeling very isolated and alone. Let them know that you care about them and are concerned about their safety. It is in your best interest for them to be happy and that they know you are willing to support them in any way that will help. 

Help your friend work out some realistic strategies - What works in this situation will depend on how willing he or she is to see that there is a problem and how abusive the relationship has become. 

Be specific about why you are concerned - "We feel bad when he says you're stupid. We hate to see you nervous and unhappy. What do you think about when he does that?"

Where to get help

Finding the right time and gaining the courage for you to talk about these issues is important. Relationships are a key part of our lives.

Relationship experiences can affect your whole life because how people treat us affects how we feel about ourselves - not only now, but into the future.

If you need advice or information there are lots of services and support available. Don't be frightened to ask for help, especially if you or someone you know is in a violent relationship or has been sexually assaulted.

The Australian Government have set up a 24 hour helpline 1800 200 526 where you can talk with counsellors who are experienced with helping with domestic violence.

You can also call Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800. It's open all the time and it's free from a landline. It won't show up on your home phone bill.

For emergency situations that require immediate and urgent assistance (e.g. if your friend feels unsafe and is in danger) call 000.

Callers who are deaf or have a hearing impairment can call through the National Relay Service on 1800 555 677 and quote 1800 200 526.

More information

Check out the factsheets listed on the left hand side for more information.

State and Territory Crisis and Service Numbers

Australian Capital Territory
Domestic Violence  6280 0900
Sexual Assault   6247 2525
Relationships Australia 1300 364 277
Mensline Australia  1300 78 99 78

New South Wales
Domestic Violence (DoCS) 1800 656 463
Sexual Assault (Syd)  9819 6565
Sexual Assault (Rural) 1800 424 017
Relationships Australia 1300 364 277
Mensline Australia  1300 78 99 78

Northern Territory
Domestic Violence  1800 019 116
Sexual Assault (Darwin) 8922 7156
Sexual Assault (Alice Springs)8951 5880
Relationships Australia 1300 364 277
Mensline Australia  1300 78 99 78

Queensland
Domestic Violence  1800 811 811
Sexual Assault   1800 010 120
Relationships Australia 1300 364 277
Mensline Australia  1300 78 99 78

South Australia
Domestic Violence  1800 800 098
Sexual Assault   1800 817 421
Relationships Australia 1300 364 277
Mensline Australia  1300 78 99 78

Tasmania 
Domestic Violence  1800 633 937
Sexual Assault (Southern) 6231 1811
Sexual Assault (Northern) 6334 2740
Sexual Assault (Nth West) 6431 9711
Relationships Australia 1300 364 277
Mensline Australia  1300 78 99 78

Victoria
Domestic Violence (Melb) 9373 0123
Domestic Violence (Rural) 1800 015 188
Sexual Assault   1800 806 292
Relationships Australia  1300 364 277
Mensline Australia  1300 78 99 78

Western Australia 
Domestic Violence  1800 007 339
Sexual Assault   1800 199 888
Relationships Australia 1300 364 277
Mensline Australia  1300 78 99 78