I am not my sibling

Combined experience of two young people After the loss of an older sibling We are who we always were. Nothing has really changed. Except that a major part of our lives have been taken from us suddenly and unexpectedly. Our predictability has been shattered through the death of our loved older sibling - confident and advisor and friend. I lost my sister when she suicided.

It was a major shock to my family and I played a vital role in keeping us all together and functional as a unit. There was no support offered and I didn't know where to turn. I found that my friends, teachers and collegues turned away from me, hiding, not knowing how to be there for me - how to listen and care. I felt alienated from those that I thought knew me best. I started to take a deeper interest in the things that my sister enjoyed and lived for ?

I took upon myself to fill the void left by her departure. I started to act like her towards my parents, play her role and even felt the need to protect her daughter. Finally I realised I was also on a path of self destruction. Suicidal thoughts became a part of my everyday life as I tried like hell to be the one I loved so very much. Finally I fell so deep that I searched for help. Through artwork and expression, my Art and English teachers' with the school counsellor saw and heard my cries for help and we talked. That was scary in itself. I never really told that counsellor much. It took me till I reached university to seek help for myself. And I can now never turn back.

Iam learning to heal - I now know that I am not my sister, I am me. I can never be who she was no matter how much I try and I now know that I can keep her memories alive without role playing the person that she was. I lost my brother in an accident in 1998. I didn't really know how to react to it so I ignored it entirely. My parents and friends thought I was so strong - and that gave me a feeling of pride within the pain deep inside. I couldn't cry for help because the facade of strength had lasted too long.

I started to move towards the interests of my brother. I took up tennis - his major interest and sport. It was during this time that I met a young person whose sister had suicided. Together we worked through things. Together we realised that we could not be our lost siblings. Together we rationalised that we could keep the memories of our lost loved one alive without taking over their role in life.

It is hard to come to these realisations. It is hard to cope with the sudden and unexpected death of a loved one. Through seeking help, talking about it and working through the grief feelings, the happy and important memories can be kept alive while still maintaining your own personal identity.

For some more info on how to cope with grief and the loss of a loved one, why not check out some of our fact sheets and stories...

• Loss + grief(Fact sheet)
• Managing grief at christmas (Fact sheet)
• God's Garden(Story)