I was normal

When I was eight I discovered that my mum's sister was a lesbian, and her partner was in fact female. To me it was natural and I loved them both so no questions asked. A few years later I found out another mum's sisters was also a lesbian and once again I did not question it.

I was an early developer and the only thing that I didn't take much interest in that my friends did, was boys. I never understood why, sure I did have one boyfriend for over a year, but to me it just felt awkward. When we broke up, I questioned why I wasn't excited about boys, didn't feel the urge to impress them and I wasn't hurt by the fact that they may not be interested in me in the way my friends were. It was about this time that I noticed I had developed a crush on my best friend.

The problem with having a crush on my best friend was that she was female, not male. She was a tomboy, so she was good friends with the guys as well as very interested in them, and she was a bit homophobic at that stage. I know this because I was living with my aunt at the time and the school found out she was a lesbian, my friend then stated her opinion to me that she thought it "unnatural and disgusting". I stood up for homosexuals with the excuse to myself that I was doing it for my aunts. I fought with myself over whether my feelings were odd, although two out of five sisters of my mum's family were lesbians, I didn't consider how I felt normal because I was still interested in males, but I also had a thing for my best friend.

Just before I started dating my second boyfriend, I met someone who felt the same as me and I knew then that I wasn't a freak. I was allowed to like both male and female, I just had to be careful whom I told. After embracing that I wasn't a freak and I could like both sexes, found the terminology was bi-sexual, I told two of my closest friends but not the one I had a crush on.

When I told those two friends, they were at first shocked and stopped talking to me for a week. During that week I still stayed with our group of friends and I noticed them trying to catch me out, see whether I was eyeing any females, and making sure they weren't one of them. Being close friends that they were, they got over it and in a month we were joking about it by me pretending I was hitting on them, but they never took it seriously and that made me happy.

At the end of that year, I had to leave the place I was living and leave all my friends. We all remained in contact and we were still close but after a few months, the friend I used to have a crush on found out I was bi-sexual because it was spread around the school and she couldn't quite believe it. She confronted me and asked me point blank whether I was or not. I told her the rumours are true and that I had a thing for her once. She hated me for not telling her more than anything else, and living where I was I only got to see them every six months, so by the time I saw her next she seemed to have moved on from being homophobic and we are the closest friends to this day.

I am still living where I was, which will change at the end of the year, so my friends will have to deal with me all the time. When I do see them, I get weird looks when I say a casual comment about a female. They still can't help but take general admiration of a person for a crush and lustrous thoughts. The up side is they know I won't make a move on them.

I am not a stereotypical bi-sexual as no one would be able to tell just by looking at me or assessing my behaviour, I am still very much a normal teenager. I date both males and females, but I am still very reserved and a select group of people know my true feelings. I freaked out with the first few people I told because I was worried they would not be friends with me anymore, so I gave them space and tried to continue with life like it should. Now my closest friend knows and when I tell someone new I go to her and tell her my dilemma.