I'm a young mum

By a 19 year old female from ACT

I am nineteen and am the mother of three. Two babies left me at only six and eleven weeks of pregnancy, lost through miscarriage. The third was born prematurely at 34 weeks. All three children are to the same father, my now husband. My first two children were not planned. This is my story.

I usually consider myself to be an intelligent girl. I've always been top of the class, been the first to learn new work, and to complete the difficult tasks. It doesn't mean smart people can't make bad or uninformed decisions, however.

I lost my virginity at the age of seventeen to someone I loved dearly. I trusted him with my special gift and he did not abuse it, for which I was very lucky. However, no one had informed me that you could get pregnant the first time you had sex.

In retrospect it seems so obvious, of course you can get pregnant. I knew how menstrual cycles worked and why I bled every time, but it never really clicked. That day was the only day I had sex without using a form of contraception, and I fell pregnant. The next time I made sure he wore a condom, and we continued to practise safe sex until I was established on the pill.

I got my period at my normal time and went to get a prescription. The doctor asked if I'd had my period and I told her yes. She didn't make me take a pregnancy test. I took the contraceptive pill every day as instructed and I lost the baby I never knew I had. I only found out in the emergency department as I miscarried, and they explained that the contraceptive pill can cause miscarriage when pregnant. Not in everyone, but a small percentage will. I was in that small percentage.

On March 28, 2005 I gave birth to Andrew James. We don't know for sure if he was a boy, but we both felt he would have been. We picked up and moved on, making sure we were incredibly careful with our contraceptive choices. I was in year twelve at the time, trying to complete my HSC.

Shortly after our loss of Andrew, I went on the contraceptive injection Depo Provera. It lasts for three months with a low failure rate. After a discussion with my doctor, we both decided it was an appropriate contraception choice for me. Unfortunately, I fell pregnant again while on the injection. I should have had at least one more month of 'safe' time, but it ran out early for reasons my doctor couldn't explain.

Had I known I was pregnant on the pill, I could have stopped taking it and I would have been fine. Because I was on the injection, there was nothing that could be done but hope. I lost Hannah Lea on September 5 2005.

Dealing with the grief of losing a child, even one you have not met or even seen on an ultrasound screen, is incredibly difficult. A lot of people were harsh in their comments to me on both occasions, making me feel responsible for two tragic events beyond my control.

Some people thought I didn't have a right to grieve because it 'wasn't like they were real children', which hurt all the more. I went from hopes and dreams of what my tiny baby could become, to just memories. There is nothing that can make it better except acceptance and time. We went to the top of a mountain near where we lived and put a pile of stones below it to mark the particular tree. It is our memorial tree for our lost children, and whenever I feel upset or a need to be close to them, I go to the tree and sit there and it truly feels like they are with me.

We decided to try for our third child in May 2006. We fell pregnant the first month and were excited but scared of another loss. We barely told anyone until I'd reached fourteen weeks (second trimester), when the chance of loss goes down. We didn't start to get truly excited until 26 weeks when hospitals can start to save babies born early. We had ultrasounds done and found we were carrying a baby girl and she looked as healthy as could be.

I ran into pregnancy complications where one of my kidneys wasn't processing the water properly, so it was swollen and I was put on bed rest at 31 weeks. I gave birth to our daughter on January 14 2007 at 34 weeks of pregnancy because my waters broke early. They still aren't sure why.

Our daughter was born weighing only 2,400g and was 46cm long. She had to be fed through a tube in her nose for three weeks and kept in hospital because she did not know how to suck. She also had some problems with jaundice which are common in premature babies and some newborns. She made it home in time for our wedding and was the star attraction.

She is now five months. We are lucky to have her father so supportive of us. He does everything he can with the baby while working a stable job. It's not easy being a stay-at-home mother, however. There are days I just want to tear my hair out because I don't know why she's crying, and days I still want to do it and I do know why.

Having a baby changes both your life, and how you look at it, forever. You can no longer sleep when you want to, eat when or what you want to, you can't go everywhere when you want anymore. It's demanding and it's frustrating, but it's given me the greatest reward I could ever hope for - a beautiful and healthy little girl.

I completed high school, but I have left university studies until later in life, if I ever want to do them. Right now I'm just wanting to stay home and give my baby girl the best possible upbringing I can. That's not to say that you'll never achieve anything in life if you have children as a young mother.

Apart from the knowledge that I'm helping to grow another human being, I'm also working on editing two novels and writing a third this year in view of having them published. A child doesn't close doors for you, it opens them and changes the way you look at the world. I created this beautiful creature, my incredible body created her. I can do anything.