I'm no longer a victim

It's fair to say I had a chip on my shoulder. I was in the "best years of my life" (so they said) and struggling with an unrelenting chronic illness. I wondered what I'd done to deserve it.

It was mainly affecting my mobility but without realising it, I was letting it take control of my life. I had a limp (not to mention a walking stick which often followed behind). A seventeen year old with a walking stick isn't exactly normal, so I figured I mustn't be either. I'd argued with my physio about using the stick but was told that it was the only option. I avoided it like the plague and only used it when I couldn't have walked without it. I hated going anywhere with it. Just when I'd start to feel a little more confident, I'd catch sight of someone staring at the "poor young girl" with the walking stick. It was embarrassing and I hated it.

There were so many aspects of the disease that I didn't understand. Throughout the many visits to hospitals, the doctors hadn't really stopped to explain it to me. They were too busy treating the physical symptoms or ordering more tests. Occasionally, they'd send me out of the room and talk to my parents about it. I guess they all figured it was better I didn't know (I was thirteen!). When I wasn't told much, my imagination ran wild, and I started coming up with all sorts of scenarios. Sounds dramatic, but that's how it was.

There were plenty of people fussing around (doctors, family, friends etc) but yet I felt so alone. It was strange, my family acted like the problem didn't really exist, while strangers stared. I'm not sure if it's the illness that made me sick or the constant attention that it drew from strangers. Either way, I wasn't happy that I had to deal with it and someone owed me big time. It was a bad attitude and one I've only shed in the past couple of years. I'm no longer a victim.

It's now nine years since I was first diagnosed, and I've come to deal with flare ups and new procedures with fewer tears, although, it's still frustrating at times. I realise though that we've all got problems to deal with in life and it's how we deal with them that matters. I can see now that I'm lucky. There are so many people in more serious situations than I am, but at times, I just couldn't see that. It's not the illness that controls what I do, but rather, my attitude. I make the decisions about what I do, not this disease. If only I'd worked it out earlier!