I'm not ashamed

It started at the beginning of last year. I had the best relationship with all my mates and lived for my friends and we just loved being around each other 24/7!  But then I realized it only takes one person to say something about you and automatically everyone you love and care for, changes their opinion of you.

I gradually started noticing people backing off from me and we were losing the close friendship we had but I had no idea why!...I never said anything just thinking it was one of those things that passes but months went by and I was getting really pissed off so I spoke to one of my best mates and she told me that they all think I'm gay behind my back which was a total shock to me!!! For me I had known for a while and knew I couldn't tell my friends cos they are what you would call homophobes or pretty much just immature - thinking that a lesbian was a freak, something unnatural which made me extremely uncomfortable! So I'd chosen not to tell them my business.

I finally had enough of people sniggering behind my back and I didn't want to have awkward conversations and moments everyday for the rest of my school life! I came down very hard on myself at this time, not being accepted at school for something that comes natural to you, even if it may not to others, was breaking me down bit by bit and I started pushing everyone who mattered to me away from my life. I suppose the hardest thing for me was not knowing what to do and not knowing who I could trust. It made me ask myself " why?, Why me?" and to this day and the rest of the days to come I have that word "Why?" haunting me because I was being so hard on myself. I was  pushed so far I needed a release and for me that was harming myself, getting a piece of metal and a lighter and heating the metal up so much it burns through layer after layer of skin. Yes at the time it felt better, but now I think what a dickhead I am!

The day came where I had had enough and just walked into the school went up to my so called "mates" and said " if you have a fucking problem with me being gay well then you can go get some dick and fuck off! I don't need your bullshit in my life and fuck it's your loss, so you decide!" and seeing their faces bought the first smile to my face in ages! They had nothing to say and now they have built a bridge and got the fuck over it and now yeah there is always going to be gay jokes and I'm fine with that but I think acceptance is a major key to life whether you agree or disagree. I say each to their own! and I'm not ashamed of walking down the streets and my mates are looking at guys and saying how hot they are, and I'm looking at their girlfriends. It's me and if people have a problem with it then they know what to do.

I think out of this experience the one thing that pulled me through was being open with myself, being honest and realising even though at high school your friends are your life they CANT! rule it, you live it the way you want to, and to this day im soooooo proud of myself for sticking up for what I believed in which was MYSELF! YAY!, I think sometimes you have to get through difficult stages in your life on your own, and it's for the best in some situations and proves how strong of a person you are if u stay true to yourself!!!.

There ya go! There's my story. i think it is a big deal these days cos since I've come out I have encouraged others and stood by them making them sure they aren't putting themselves down. So I've gained more respect for myself and I've gained more respect from others! I do know this is a common situation and it's a crap situation to be in!