Introducing self-talk

The link between thinking and feeling

Have you ever found yourself feeling really upset about something, worried about it for days, and then, after a few weeks, realised it didn't really matter after all?

Or perhaps you talked about your situation with a friend and felt much better afterwards? Perhaps your friend said some things that made you think differently about the situation, and when you thought differently, your feelings changed.

Although you're probably not aware of it, your experience demonstrated a very important principle:

Changing the way you think will change the way you feel.

Things go wrong at times, people let us down, we make mistakes and disappointments happen. Whether or not we get upset about it, and how upset we become, depends largely on the way we think about those situations.

Sometimes we can make ourselves feel pretty miserable even when our situation is not that bad, simply by thinking in a negative, self-defeating way.

What is self-talk?

As we go about our daily lives we are constantly thinking about and interpreting the situations we find ourselves in. It is as though we have an internal voice inside our head that determines how we perceive every situation. We call this inner voice our 'self-talk', and it includes our conscious thoughts as well as our unconscious assumptions or beliefs.

Much of our self-talk is reasonable (e.g. 'I'd better do some preparation for that exam', or 'I'm really looking forward to that match'). However, some of our self-talk is negative, unrealistic or self-defeating (e.g. 'I'm going to fail for sure', or 'I didn't play well - I'm hopeless').

Negative self-talk

Negative self-talk often causes us to feel bad, and to experience upsetting emotions such as hurt, anger, frustration, depression or anxiety. It can also make us behave in a self-defeating way. For instance, thoughts such as 'I'm going to fail for sure' may discourage you from working hard when you are preparing for your exams.

The way you interpret events has a huge impact on the way you feel and behave.

The ABC of self-talk

The relationship between your thoughts, feelings and behaviours can best be explained by looking at the A-B-C of your self-talk:

A is for activating situation

The Activating situation refers to the situation itself, or the things that happened when you began to feel bad, such as being at a party with a whole lot of people you don't know, being overloaded with essays and assignments, or making a silly comment that you later regret.

When you identify the activating situation, it's important to stick to the facts, for example: 'I tried on my jeans and they were too small', rather than 'I tried on my jeans and I looked so disgusting and ugly and fat', or 'Sally said "hi" to me and I blushed and looked away', rather than 'Sally said "hi" to me and I made a total idiot of myself'.

B is for beliefs

Beliefs comprise our self-talk (thoughts) and assumptions that we make about a situation. Identifying our self-talk can sometimes be tricky. This is because it is so automatic that often we are not even aware of what is going on in our mind.

When something happens and we suddenly feel upset, we assume that it is the situation itself that has made us feel this way. However it is not the situation (activating situation) but the way we perceive it (beliefs) that makes us feel the way we do.

Our thoughts largely determine the way we feel. For example, your thoughts might be 'I've become really fat...I must look so ugly...no wonder guys never talk to me'. Your feelings resulting from these thoughts might be sadness and frustration.

C is for consequences

The Consequences of our beliefs include our feelings and behaviours.

Feelings are emotions such as sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, embarrassment, joy, excitement or stress.

Behaviours are the things we do, such as communication, withdraw, ask for help, go for a run, stay in bed or raid the fridge.

Thinking negatively about situations makes you feel bad and it can also cause you to behave in an unhelpful way.

In addition, negative self-talk can affect your self-esteem. When you feel down it is likely that you are very hard on yourself, and that you will tend to criticise and judge yourself unfairly. The worse you feel, the more negative your self-talk is likely to become.

We often blame ourselves when things go wrong, compare ourselves with other people in a way that makes us feel inferior, exaggerate our weaknesses, focus on failures and predict that the worst will happen.

Scenario

Here's an example to illustrate the A-B-C of self-talk:

Activating situation:

You get your exam timetable.

Beliefs (self-talk):

• "I'm not going to be able to do this"
• "I'll fail and the whole thing will be a disaster...My parents will be so disappointed in me"
• "I won't be able to do the course I want and then I won't be able to get a proper job...I'll end up a loser"

Consequences (feelings and behaviours):

• You feel stressed, panicky, butterflies in the stomach.
• You can't bring yourself to sit down and study.
• You sit down in front of the TV and eat a packet of biscuits.

What you can do

The best way to understand the connection between A, B and C is to see how it applies to your own situations. Why not have a go?

Think of a situation in the last two weeks where you have found yourself feeling bad. For example, you may have been feeling upset, stressed, angry, sad, depressed, embarrassed or guilty. Briefly describe the situation in a 'stress-log', covering the three areas - A-B-C.

One of the most important skills for learning to deal with stressful situations is to identify your self-talk - the things you say to yourself inside your mind. The 'stress-log', covering the A, B, and C of the situation is a useful tool to help you challenge the negative or unhelpful aspects of your thinking, and to replace them with more reasonable and helpful thoughts.

Check out the fact sheets on Challenging negative self-talk and Common thinking errors for more info on how to challenge the negative or unhelpful aspects of your thinking.

 

Acknowledgement:

This fact sheet comes from:

Taking Charge! A Guide for Teenagers: Practical Ways to Overcome Stress, Hassles and Upsetting Emotions.
By: Dr Sarah Edelman and Louise Rémond
Foundation for Life Sciences (2005)

www.fls.org.au