It's all about the journey

by 19 year old male from Queensland

I write this story with the beautiful 20/20 vision of hindsight! But at the time, life didn't seem to be going along so well. Up until the age of about 16 my life had been just like everyone else's - I'd had and broken up with girlfriends, fought with parents and friends, thrown a few eggs at peoples houses and watched a lot of TV.

But when I was 17 I had the misfortune of being quite ill around one of my best female friends, Gemma. The next week I saw her again but I was so worried I would be sick again that I made myself physically ill. From there it got worse and worse until it became a full blown anxiety disorder. I went and saw a psychologist and he helped me come up with some ways that I could start to make it easier but boy was it a big challenge. For the next 9 months I had to plan ahead where I was going so I wouldn't have to travel on the bus with friends in case I felt sick and not go to the movies because I couldn't get away quickly. It was full on and absolutely impossible to explain to people because they just couldn't understand how I could be so irrational. But eventually it did start to lessen which was really awesome because I was about to go overseas to China for 6 months.

I'd had this trip planned for a year and had thought, spoken and planned for it for what felt like forever. Eventually I left, having to say goodbye to Lauren, my bestest friend who had kind of become my girlfriend so that was really hard. I arrived in China and realised straight away this was not the experience I had signed up for. The school felt like a prison, the students couldn't speak any English, there was nobody around to hang out with, and my room-mate and I didn't get along at all. So for a week I cried and cried and went through the most rapid mood changes - one minute I was so happy and the next minute I was miserable. It was awful and eventually I made one of the hardest decisions I have ever made and that was to leave the country and come home. I was miserable because I thought I had failed myself, my friends and my family and I was so embarrassed. The day before I came home I spoke to Lauren online and she told me she didn't want to be my girlfriend, so the one happy thing I was coming home to was gone.

When I got home, for some reason that I still don't know, nearly all my closest friends just left me. The only people that were around was my family and Lauren so I spent many months being so utterly depressed that I never thought I would get out of it.

But I did. It was a bloody struggle and I had to fight for it every step of the way but it has been the best, most inspiring experience of my life. I didn't get along with my family all that well before I left but they supported me so well and did whatever they could to help me. That's not to say they understood what was happening to me because they didn't - they thought I should just be able to shake it off. Lauren was as good as she could be though I fought with her a lot. But it meant a lot to me that she stuck by me and to this day we are still bestest friends! But they were my support group for this, the most full on experience of my life.

Of course there was the psychologist that I had seen a couple of times but I had a good idea of what I needed to do. Talking to him was a really big help though because he really helped me order my thoughts and work out some practical ideas of things I could do to help improve my situation.

For me though it was just such an enriching experience. I used to rely on my friends for all my support and growth but to have so much stripped away really made me see that we are all that we ever needed. It made me realise that I am my support, my love and my friendship. I can be my happiness and my joy and I can inspire myself. Now when friends are these things for me, it just makes it even sweeter and I don't need to hear it as much as I used to. I love my family, I love my friends and I love the sense of wide-eyed wonder that I have now when I see things that inspire and touch me. Because I know now what it is to appreciate these things.

I'm not sad for the experience I have had. It has shown me a path I would never have been brave enough to walk unless someone forced it on me so in a sense I am grateful. And lucky that now my life has so many amazing opportunities and possibilities that my experience has opened up to me