It's now or never!

By: Liz Day

Exploring feelings and attractions

Gale is lying on her bed reading a magazine. In all the 'Agony Aunt' letters she doesn't see anything that helps her with her problem. She wonders "how can I be so dumb?! Kai is the best friend I've had and now I'll just blow it". In her memory she sees Kai's athletic body gliding over the hurdles around the 200m course. She can feel them sitting side by side watching Melrose and now experiences the sensations in her stomach when Kai laughs, like she did last night. It's so intense.

When her mother was catching up with an old friend Gale heard them talk about that 'adolescent phase' girls have. It made her sick. 'This is not one of those embarrassing phases. This is real.' She flicks through Cleo looking at all the skinny girls in silk lingerie. 'Well I can't be ...' - she finds it hard to say the word that always sounds like such an insult - 'a lesbian. These girls don't do it for me.'

Kissing Troy had made her feel wanted, like a woman. But it was pretty gross. She'd never asked a boy out like some of the girls did. "You're supposed to be asked" her older brother warned her. "So how do I ever get to ask for what I want?" she blurts out to the closed magazine.

"Do you reckon Miss Werner's a leso?" Gale and Kai are walking arm-in-arm across the oval where the psychology teacher is on duty. "Yep. Look at her short hair and the way she dresses" says Kai. "Yep, I reckon" says Gale , relieved at her own long hair. But the feelings in her throat and stomach are confusing. And when Kai squeezes her hand and says "see you after maths, chick" the feelings spread through her body. In class Gale doodles and then, realising what she's drawn in her daydream, rips it up.

Restless in bed she imagines going to the school dance with Kai. Kai's in a tux and they're dancing slowly. "Yuk! How stupid" she reacts, too embarrassed to let the fantasy develop. The school dance is in three weeks and she's decided not to go rather than see Kai there with some geek.

It's two days before the dance now and Gale feels depressed. She can't explain to Kai why she's not going. She feels left out, and really mad that the choices for everyone else seem so easy. In class sometimes they discuss gay people (usually gay men, though) and everyone pretends to be so cool about it, but then on their own turf kids can be really cruel about it.

The school counsellor smiles at Gale who's sitting on the steps near the staffroom. Before she has time to think about it Gale impulsively grabs her chance: "Miss Smith, can I see you about something?".

At the appointed time she's knocking at the scary grey door. Smithy smiles and offers her a seat. 'Oh god! What'll I say?' With her stomach knotting and her face flushed Gale says half aloud 'It's now or never... .'