Keep on trucking

By a 22 year old female from SA

I grew up confused. Adopted as a baby and from an Asian background I felt very alone. I always felt different growing up and this translated into my teenage years and into my early twenties. I always played it pretty much by the book until I turned 17 and finished school. I got into drugs and partying and got diagnosed with bipolar disorder (which is now being corrected to schizo-effective disorder). 

I pretty much ran away from myself and my problems for 7 years. Ran away with drugs, ran away from my jobs, pushed people away, got kicked out of home, broke up with boyfriends and basically stuffed around and ran like hell. And I wanted to die. I never thought I'd live past twenty three and I did try and overdose twice but things have changed. 

Firstly I stuck with a regular therapist, then I stuck to my medication. Then I just rested and let myself only do as much as I could, getting my money from the disability pension and not worrying about work.

Now after about a year I'm finally feeling ok, which is something that is a very big deal to me. The other day I realised that for the first time in my whole life I didn't want to kill myself, which was a very big deal and when you've thought this way your whole life it's a HUGE deal. 

I just want to let everyone know not to EVER give up. I know what it's like to not want to deal with your problems and to run away in every possible way. I know what it's like to want to kill yourself. I know what its like to stuff things up and to feel confused and angry and so depressed it hurts.

But the point is there is a way out. It may take years but you've got to let yourself feel your pain, accept it and try to move on.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel and finally I feel ok. It feels a little strange. So keep on trucking and hang in there or at least try to! I've discovered that there's a place for everyone, even if it took me 22 years to find it out, and that feels really cool!