Losing Adam on September 11

Adam was my best friend in the entire world. I wasn't very good at making friends, I came across a bit too crazy, and over-bearing. I hadn't really had a best friend before, none that I could completely and utterly trust anyway. So Adam was very special, in more ways than one. I could tell him anything, and he could tell me anything. We met at camp and grew closer as the years rolled by. The only bad thing was the fact that Adam lived in America. He'd been over in Australia for year when we met - plus I lived in the country and while he was in Australia he lived on the coast. But we still were close and met when we could, talked every day, sent letters emails and txt msgs. Now don’t get me wrong, lot of people think I loved Adam in "that" way but I didn’t. He was just my best mate. And we stayed just as close when he went back to the US.

I was really excited for him when he told me that he'd got a job in an office in the world trade centre. He lived in Manhattan and was working at some burger place till he got this job, so it was great. He loved it, something with computers, Adam was good at it. We told me all about the buildings and how much fun it was, and the great view. So Adam had been working at the world trade centre for about three years so he started to have his holidays - you  know how it is. His family all lived in Canada so he would go home and visit them and see his friends in either August or September every year. (he told me it was the 2nd quietest time of year - calm before the Christmas storm)

I hadn't heard from him in awhile, he was busy and I was too. But I knew things were cool, we were still mates and all that. So when I woke up that morning, I think it was actually September 12th in Australia and my mum told Me the news and showed me the paper, my heart stopped. Then common sense kicked in, Adam wouldn't be at work. he'd be in Canada, right? I told myself that over and over and that’s the only way I could cope. Adam is safe in Canada.

At the back of my mind I knew that wasn’t were Adam was, but there was no way I was gunna admit it. I couldn’t lose Adam, I couldn’t. one day, no special day, I got up my courage to email his sister who still lived in Canada. I told her that I hadn't heard from Adam in about a month and was he there? I Didn’t mind that he hadn’t contacted me; he was just busy having fun right? Wrong.

His sister wrote back saying, "Adam is missing presumed dead, I’m so so sorry. you know he loved you right?" and told me when his memorial service would be held. I knew I couldn’t just fly over there - but I did want to hold a candle to the wind at the same time the rest of the people that loved him Were.

To this day we have never received concrete information that Adam was killed, no one from his floor survived to confirm he was at work that day, and I still wake up hoping today, I get a letter or email that says "Hey baby-doll, I’m fine, vie just been helping out and I lost my pen so I couldn’t write" but it wont happen. I love Adam, and I miss him more than anything. But I know I will see him again in heaven and I know he's up there now, driving God crazy with his stupid knock-knock jokes.

Loosing Adam was the hardest thing that ever happened to me, but life goes on. And I know he'd give me a royal kick up the backside if he saw me moping.

Now that’s all very well and good for me, nothing ever seems as bad when you look back on it. A lot of things contributed to me being able to move on. I am a christian so I'm lucky, I've got God to turn too when times are tough. He was the whole reason that I was able to move on. Like I said, I don’t make deap, good friends easily so I didn’t have a lot of people to turn too. God was there for me to talk to, scream at, and be comforted by. I also wrote down a lot of what I was feeling in a book, just how angry I was and how lost. Another thing that helped a lot was taking LOONG walks, I cant really let go in front of people, so I would go for a long walk, and scream  and yell and cry till I got it all out of my system. I spoke to his family a little bit, they of course really, truly understood how I was feeling. I think you just have to find the best way to get the pain out of your system (a way that doesn’t harm you or others of course – remember boxing bags are great!), and realize that life does go on. But I read in this wonderful book about pain called "Stick a geranium in your hat and be happy!" by Barbara Johnson. Its kinda long but I'll put it in anyway.

1. CHURN
You feel as if your insides are full of knives, chopping you up in a grinder. There is no other way to describe the devastation you feel when you’re churning inside.

2. BURN
You want to kill everything and yourself. You are so full of red-hot anger and the anguish of frustration that your temper is out of control. You literally feel as if you are burning inside. (Please note – find a HARMLESS way to release this!)

3. YEARN
Oh how much you want things to change. You just ache inside for things to be as they were before this happened. You yearn for the happy past, and this stage often lasts the longest of all.

4. LEARN
Talk with others, find a support group and you learn that you’re in a long growth process. You become more understanding and compassionate. Values you learned in the past will suddenly become real to you. You will learn a great deal about love and loss and reaching out to help others. The wonderful result is that you relive your own pain.

5. TURN
You learn to turn the problem over to the Lord, and just say “whatever Lord, YOU deal with it” – God loves you and the person you have lost more than anything and He WILL take care of you.

So I say to you all, Pain is inevitable but misery is optional. CHURN awhile, BURN for a time, YEARN for as long as it takes to move on, LEARN as much as you can and then TURN it all over the One who cares for you.

Turn to the people that love you the most. It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe in the God that I do, turn to whoever you feel unconditionally loved by. But always remember, LIFE goes on. Live out the dreams of the person you’ve lost. Of course if they were an artist you can’t paint to save your life than don’t be silly, and try and make a career out of it! But one of the things that helped me A LOT was a scrapbook I made with Adam in it, I got pictures, things that reminded me of him, pictures of computers, snow (he loved the snow) and found a time when I was alone, and cried and sobbed as I put my scrapbook together but now I look at it and laugh and remember the good times with Adam. As I said, Adam worked with/loved computers so I always jump on my computer and experiment with new things and just laugh, thinking what Adam would have said to me, because I’m totally hopeless.

I encourage you to be brave, remember the good times and look after yourself in that horrible time whatever it is you go through. Remember, it might seem selfish to you but you really do have to comfort yourself for awhile, be brave but let someone else be strong for you.

I love you Adam, and we miss you like hell, even you bloody knock-knock jokes