Managing expectations

What are expectations?

Everyone goes through times when they feel expectations or pressure to achieve certain things, behave in a particular way, or even to look a certain way. Expectations and pressure might have a positive influence, helping you to challenge or motivate yourself to do your best. However, unrealistic pressure might not be helpful, and may have a negative impact on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviour.

Where do expectations come from?

Expectations and pressure can come from different sources, including:

• you - sometimes the expectations you put on yourself can be the most unrealistic and hardest to meet

• family - family expectations might range from how to behave or dress, what sort of person you can date, or what sort of work you choose etc

• peers - sometimes your friends or boyfriend/girlfriend, might expect you to behave or dress a certain way

• school - your school or individual teachers may expect high results in a subject or across subjects

• sports club or team - there may be pressure from your sports club or school sports coach to participate and do well, and they may also expect you to achieve well academically, regardless of how much time spent in your chosen sport

• work - some work places, or individual managers, might set unrealistic goals and targets

• society - sometimes society, through the media and advertising, expects you to behave in a certain way or buy certain products.

Why do others place expectations on you?

There are many different reasons why people might put expectations on you, including:

• wanting the best for you and forgetting you know what is best for yourself
• trying to live their lives vicariously through  you - wanting you to have the experiences  they always wanted but never had the chance to have
• assuming that an experience or value that  worked for them will work for you too - forgetting that what works for them, may not work for everybody
• placing different culture or value systems onto you, for example, your parents and grandparents might have been raised in a time and culture with values that are very different to yours, and may not realise or understand that the expectations they are placing on you are not ones that you would choose for yourself.

Why place expectations on yourself?

There are a number of reasons why you might place high expectations on yourself, including:

 

• you might feel that meeting high  expectations is the only way to get the approval of others
• you might feel that achievement is the only way to be happy
• you might feel that having high  expectations of yourself pushes you to  strive for, and achieve, bigger and better things
• to set yourself up to fail - you might be more afraid of achieving your goals than failing to, or you might really expect to fail.

How expectations and pressure affect you

Expectations and pressure may be a positive influence and help to challenge or motivate you to do your best. However, too much pressure to achieve can cause you to burn out. Depending on how much and for how long, expectations might affect you in the following ways:

 

Psychological effects

• stress or anxiety
• feeling helpless, overwhelmed or powerless
• feeling guilty
• a sense of failure or low self-esteem.

 

Social effects

• family problems - fighting and lack of communication
• problems at school, college or work - you may not do as well as you had hoped, or you may make decisions that are not right for you
• relationship or friendship problems
• overuse of drugs or alcohol

Physical effects

• not eating well
• not feeling like doing exercise
• not getting enough sleep
• illness - feeling run down and unwell.

Managing expectations and pressure

Part of being an individual, even when you're a part of a group, involves making decisions based on what is best for you. It means taking ownership and responsibility for what you do and how you think. It may be hard to resist expectations, even if you know they are not for you.

 

Some suggestions that may help you manage pressure and expectations better

Talk to someone outside the situation - talking to someone outside the situation, such as a friend, parent or counsellor can be a great way of expressing your feelings. These people are also well placed to help you identify expectations and help you work out strategies you might use for dealing with them.

 

Talk to the person setting the unhelpful expectations - sometimes the person might be unaware of the unhelpful pressure they are putting on you. When you talk to them, it might be helpful to use a phrase such as 'When you treat me like this, then x happens'.

 

Challenge and reset your expectations - sometimes it can be helpful to re-think your own expectations. This may help you decide if they are achievable for you. A useful question to ask might be 'What would I suggest to a friend in this situation?'

 

Have a range of options for the future - sometimes expectations are only focused on one outcome and if you don't meet it, you might feel disappointed or that you have failed. Usually there are a number of ways to achieve a goal. Try to plan to have a couple of strategies for achieving your goals. It may help to talk to someone you trust about what the different strategies might be. This may be a friend, counsellor or family member.

 

Get some head space/chill out - sometimes getting some head space and a change of scenery can be helpful - it's important to give yourself permission to do this regularly. This might include going for a walk or listening to your favourite music, reading a book, going to the movies - whatever works for you.

 

Express your feelings - writing down your feelings or keeping a journal, can be a great way of understanding a situation and reducing the power of expectations. It can also help you think about alternative solutions to problems.

Other ways you might express your feelings in a way that won't cause bodily damage to yourself, another person, or your computer, might include yelling, punching, or crying into a pillow, or dancing round the room to loud music.

 

Look after yourself - expectations can lead to a lot of stress. It's important to take time out by doing something that you usually enjoy. Even though you might not feel like it or have time, exercising and eating well can help. Getting plenty of sleep can also help.

Exercise helps stimulate hormones, such as endorphins, which help you feel better about yourself and your life. If you haven't done a lot of exercise before, it might be a good idea to start doing something small a couple of times each week, such as a 15 minute walk or two or three laps of a pool. Visiting your GP for a general check up can be a way of making sure there isn't any physical problem.

 

Avoid drugs and alcohol - try not to use alcohol or other drugs (including lots of caffeine or other energy boosting drinks) in the hope of feeling better or forgetting expectations and pressure. The feeling is usually temporary and the after-effects often make you feel worse.