My head or heart?

By a 20 year old woman from WA

Being told that you were an accident, is something I can handle. Being told that you ruined your parent's relationship because you were born was something I could bear. Being told that no one wanted me; were just words to me. But being told that you were not loved was something that I could not handle. These were the repetitious words I listened to growing up; words I still hear today. I use to think these words were said as a cruel joke but they were said with such honesty and conviction. These words created a barrier; a wall. An emotional wall that surrounded me, suffocated and trapped me.

There was a time that I removed my wall. I learnt to trust and to be happy. I finally felt loved and I could love back. I learnt how to put my faith and trust into someone else. I never thought I could be happier. But this time I was not attacked by verbal and emotional abuse, but physical abuse.

The person whom I loved and trusted made me scared, vulnerable and weak. My heart and head were pulling me in opposite directions. He was my first love and promised never to do it again. My head told me I should leave. In this instance my heart won and I stayed. He never did physically abuse me again but tormented and threatened suicide if I left.

At one of the lowest points in my life, I continued to stay with him because life at home was unbearable and I would rather spend my time with someone who said they loved me.

Our relationship lasted for four years. It lasted throughout most of my high school years. People always seemed to comment on what a perfect couple we were. No-one knew what it was really like. No one knew I felt like a prisoner; that on more than one occasion I decided that life was not worth living for.

But I never had the courage to end my life. Instead I ran away from my life. For a whole year, I met new people, people who didn't know my past or my family. For once I finally felt like myself. Of course it was not a perfect year. There were plenty of tough times, but I seemed to overcome them. However there was one obstacle that saw me heading back to where I had from. I knew that no matter which went, it was going to be difficult. Life was not going to be easy.

For a whole year, he had been blocked out of my mind and for some unknown reason I wanted to see him and I wanted to be loved by him. I was overcome by all of these feelings that had been dormant for almost a year. I found myself in a familiar situation, my head versus my heart. For the second time my heat had won. But this would be the year that it would end forever.

I knew when I went back to him that it would not end up well. Battling relationship problems along with family ones was too much to handle. I ended up seeing a counsellor and receiving the help I needed. However counsellors can not just wave a magical wand to cure your problems. It's something you want to do. You have to accept that help is needed. I took this step. I knew that if I did not get help I would consequently not want to face another day.

Counselling was hard. I had my wall up. It felt like a permanent fixture in my life and bringing it down was the hardest thing.

I knew that there was something that needed to be done. I knew that it should have been done years ago. I ended the relationship; I used my head instead of my heart.

The date October 23rd 2004 will stay in my mind forever. I remember it so vividly. My best friend and I were driving when we approached an intersection with our windows down singing to "It's raining men". The next thing I remember was seeing shattered glass everywhere. For a moment I glanced at my friend in the passenger seat and there was blood and she was not moving. That all I remember of the accident. The coroner said the other driver failed to put their brakes on in time and skidded through the red light. He also concluded that my best friend did not suffer and died on impact.

The next few days were a haze, I honestly don't remember much. But I do remember a phone call from my ex-boyfriend's mother. As it turned out, he kept his promise. He took his own life. I have lived with the guilt ever since. He told me if I ever left him, that I knew what the consequences would be.

No one knows where life will end up. Whether we should follow our heads or our hearts. After nearly two years of counselling, I have learnt and accepted that some things are out of my control. I now know that there are places to go if times are tough. I turn to my counsellor or Reach Out!, so I can grow, learn and work through my problems myself but not by myself.

This story is the last chapter. A door has closed and a new one is opening. I am not too sure what lies through the door but I now have dreams, goals and aspirations to look forward to and I only have half of my wall to break down. It is now my time to speak out and to encourage and give support to others who have gone through tough times. It's time to Reach Out!