My story

By 19 year old female from Queensland

November 2004 is when everything started to go pear shaped, well actually it was more like an abstract painting with no shape whatsoever, just a big mess. I was almost at the end of year 11, final assignments were due and end of year exams were just around the corner. One afternoon, after school Mum ducked out to get something from the shops and as she was coming home she was in a car accident just down the road from where we lived, in Alice Springs.

My little sister was with some family friends and had seen the accident happen but didn't realise it was Mum, until they drove closer. The accident was nothing serious, but at the time it seemed surreal, Mum was taken to hospital in an ambulance and was falling in and out of consciousness. The whole time I was holding her hand. She was only kept in overnight and released the following morning but it was scary all the same.

I found out that the person who had hit Mum was a mother of a girl I went to school with and so for the rest of the week I heard her talking about it, saying how it was Mum's fault. I was pretty upset because I already knew that it wasn't and so did the police. But what could I do, besides cause more trouble.

The accident was the first of many bad things that led to my depression. Following the accident was the break up with my boyfriend of 18 months, Chris. He had brought all his friends down to the scene of Mum's car accident and I got really angry at him for it. We didn't speak until Mum was released from hospital and when we did, he said he couldn't handle the arguments and problems that Mum was causing for us. All Mum did was say no to Chris and I spending so much time with each other during the week and on the phone, just so I could focus on my studies.

You see Chris had dropped out of high-school earlier in the year and Mum didn't want him to be a bad influence on me. He was in the year above me. I look back now and realize Mum was only doing what she thought was best for me.

The break up also came from Chris's jealousy of my friendship with my close male friend, Toby. Toby and I shared a lot of common interests, especially when it came to art, media and performing arts. There were a couple of occasions where Chris threatened me if I kept my friendship with Toby and more threats, when I performed in plays or modeled where Kelvin was involved. All of Chris's friends were still at school with me, so anytime I would hang out with Toby, (who was also the year above me), it would get back to Chris and that's when the arguing would start.

But not once did I ever stop being friends with Toby or stop doing what I loved, performing.

After Chris and I broke up, my best friend Sarah and I started having problems with our friendship as well. I think we just started to out grow each other and started to get competitive. By now my depression had kicked in and I had started self harming to deal with the pain of not having a boyfriend or a best friend.

Year 11 finished, Christmas came and so too did the news that my Opa, (grandpa) was sick. So just after Christmas, my family traveled to Sydney to visit Opa in hospital. His health was rapidly declining and they didn't think he was going to make it.

The day after we arrived, as the sun rose on a new day, Opa passed away holding my hand.

I began my senior year with a heavy heart and in a very dark hole, not sure if I could get through the year. Within a month I was doing the minimum amount of classes to graduate. I began seeing the school counsellor as I had always felt talking about my problems helped and also because Mum wanted me to. By April, I had made a new close friend, but Toby was still my number one!

I had been in counseling for a couple of months and had also started taking a heavier dosage of antidepressants but I was on and off them so much they were making me sick and only worse. I turned to self-harming again.

Mum didn't think the school counsellor was helping, so I started seeing an outside psychiatrist. I didn't like the idea of having to get acquainted with another counsellor and so my first few visits were hard. It eventually became the only place where I could go and open up without feeling as stupid and like a drama queen.

In June, a couple of friends decided to cheer me up by taking me out camping to the annual Finke Desert Race. This was my first time out there. But the camping trip didn't cheer me up.

I had an alcoholic drink that night, which I shouldn't have but I did and when antidepressants are mixed with alcohol it makes you really drowsy and can knock you out. Later that night I was sexually abused by a guy I went to school with and who had a girlfriend. I had no strength to fight it off so I just let it happen.

The new friend that I made, Peter, saw it happen but never said anything about it. He took me into town the next morning to the chemist bought me the morning after pill and that was it. Toby was my only true and loyal friend at this point but he didn't come out camping so I was on my own.

I stayed in counselling but just retreated further into myself. It felt like I had taken three giant steps back after making progress. I eventually told my divorced parents, about a month before I graduated from high school. I never did anything about the assault because Alice Springs is such a small town and people talk.

My involvement with Reach Out!, anticipating university and my best friend, Toby got me through the last few months at high-school. Mum and I truly believe that if it weren't for these three things, I wouldn't be here today.

In April last year I moved to the Gold Coast by myself, to begin university. I had to find a job and a place to live. I didn't know anybody and at the time I wasn't on talking terms with my parents, (who have been divorced for more than 7 years). It was scary, daunting and in some ways a lot of fun. I don't regret it at all and it has only made me more confident and aware of capable I am of being independent.

Today, I am studying journalism at the university of my dreams, I have been in a steady relationship with my boyfriend for more than a year and he loves my friends, male or female. I am also bipolar but from my experience with depression, I am stronger and more mindful about my emotions, worries and stresses that might trigger any dark moments.

I see a counsellor every few weeks, which really helps. My bipolar is a result of my depression and coming off my antidepressants before I was supposed to, which is something I don't recommend doing. It's early days yet but I have come to accept that being bipolar is something that is going to affect me for the rest of my life, just like someone who has diabetes. I can now honestly say, (and believe) that I can face anything and be ok.

There are a few things that I hope my story inspires you to do:

1) Don't ever let a boyfriend or girlfriend stop you from being with your friends

2) Always be true to yourself and who you really are - don't forget where you come from and

3) Stay focused on your dreams and ambitions, because they can be the driving force that keeps you hanging on.

For more info on dealing with bipolar, family troubles or relationship issues, why not check out some ReachOut fact sheets...

• I have bipolar disorder
• Supporting someone with bipolar
• An abusive relationship