Perfection?

All my life I've struggled with becoming the perfect person. The first child of two perfectionists it was up to me to continue in this way, striving for the best, pushing that little bit further and all up trying harder than I already was.

No matter what I did I always felt inadequate. Growing up I thought it was something I'd grow out of and that it would somewhat eventually change with time, but the older I got the more intense my perfectionist journey seemed to get.

I was hopeless at domestics in the eyes of my parents. I'd wash dishes too quickly, then too slowly, then apparently wouldn't clean them at all! At first I'd try harder to get things right. I'd wash the dishes four times over just to get them clean and try to satisfy them for once. Heck, I'd clean the whole kitchen just to get them to see I could do things right! But the more I tried, the more I felt let down, as every time I'd show them what I'd done, it proved more of a disappointment when I was told I'd done it totally incorrectly and should start all over again.

"It's good to be incompetent, as then no one asks you to do anything eventually" my Mum would say and slowly I'd take comments like these on board, hating myself for not being able to do things properly. It didn't help either that eventually my little brother grew up into pretty much the parental mould of perfection with good grades, superb manners, wonderful friends and amazing dish washing abilities!

You can only kick a horse some many times before it falls. Slowly, nothing seemed worth the effort. I seemed to be under the influence of people who got it right the first time. Who did something right, or didn't do it all and who made out like they'd never made a mistake in their lives.

It was the same with everything it felt, I was never quite that perfect person; the one that my parents seemed to be, and the one that I should be too. Eventually it just led to me giving up. Studying seemed overwhelming, even sports and social activities seemed to zap me of all energies. I was so terrified to try anything new or different in case I stuffed up or got it wrong. I'd plan everything before I'd do it, try to think things thought before I'd say anything (which usually resulted in me becoming a nervous, bumbling mess) and think and think before making a decision, praying it would be the right one.

One day after a conversation with a group of friends I realised that we often all felt similar. One piped up and said 'but why do we try to be perfect? Why aim for the impossible'. Imperfections are sometimes what people are known and loved for. All her life Madonna's had a gap in her teeth which she's refused to get fixed, because that's simply her. The way's she's born,, The way she's chosen to stay. Einstein may have been brilliant but socially he was a scatterbrain. Aiming for the impossible is just dangerous.

So, out of sheer curiosity I looked up Perfection in the Thesaurus. Perfection is referred to as ideal, just right, just the thing, great, wonderful and just what the doctor ordered, yet a perfectionist is referred to as obsessive! I guess its about striking the balance, setting realistic goals and trying to do tings well but not resenting yourself f you don't get it right and have to try again.

Admittedly I still sometimes struggle with perfectionism. I've had to let my parents know that what they say as an off the cuff comment I sometimes take seriously and it effects the way I feel about me. I've began to give things a bit more of a go, realising if I don't take a risk, I'll look back and resent myself even more in the future. Oh yeah, and I try to use the dishwasher whenever possible! Hey nobody's perfect!