Predictability lost

By: Young Person

Waking up to a different day

I woke one morning to find that I lost the predictability of my life. Although each day we expect to wake up, the sun to shine, our loved ones to be around us and our friends and family to share our laughter, all that can be lost in an instant.

My big brother committed suicide. At that instant I lost all predictability and my life became chaotic. No longer could I trust those I loved to be beside me always, no longer could I believe people would always be there for me - how could I make sense of my shattered world?

Initially I ignored the fact, surviving on simple tasks such as achieving at school and holding my family together. I didn't think, because thinking caused more pain than I could deal with on top of that I was already struggling with.

Its okay for an elderly person to die, that's the law of the world - young are born to replace old that are lost. But how do you make sense of the loss of someone so young and with so much of a future? I subconsciously decided it was all too hard and concentrated on ignoring my every emotion. I didn't talk to anyone about how I felt for a long time, although I had appointments with the school counsellor where I was supposed to talk.

When I left home for university, I found space to deal with what was buried deep inside. I talked much about my brother and what he meant to me. How he was my confident and friend... and how I felt he was the only one who ever truly understood how I felt about things. He got excited when I achieved at school, and empathised when things didn't go right. Although we were quite a distant apart in age, we were fairly close.

Now I have learnt the value of little things. Going to the cemetery and spending time just chatting to him. I like to believe that he is still beside me always, and the little memories of happy times have become extremely important in my life.

There is value in talking and seeking help when things go crazy in life. I wish I had learnt that long before I did. Maybe then it wouldn't have been so hard to cope with now. I have started attending a support group, where other young people who have lost siblings gather and express themselves once a month, with the chance of also attending grief workshops. All this stuff helps, as do some really awesome friends that I thank God for.