Pure emotional hell

My story truly began when I was fifteen. I attended a rich catholic all boys school in inner Brisbane. This is where my life began. Up until then, life seemed very easy to me, I had been an achiever in primary school had many friends. When I began high school, this all came to an end and I began the hardest struggle I've ever known. I was new to the all boys school environment and didn't know of its harsh pecking hierarchy. I was bullied from pretty much the first day I started. It wasn't really a problem until year 10 when I no longer enjoyed going to school. I had a few enemies, but the worst were closest to the heart, in my own peer group.

After a long time of bullying, by year 11, I was unable to study, unable to sleep some nights and drowning in my own doom. I distinctly remember one night I was so scared and frightened I was crying in the shower silently at 3am, trying not to wake up my parents. I had no idea what was happening to me at the time, it was something I had never experienced, pure emotional hell. For months I kept going to school surviving it hour by hour, and gradually my situation worsened. I was nose diving into a deep dark hole of depression. One which, when I attended my year 12 formal, I cannot deny, I actively attempted suicide, with the rapid consumption of alcoholic spirits. I can remember sitting down trying to stay conscious trying to make myself vomit as well as keep breathing. I did lose consciousness but I was incredibly lucky and recovered the next day without any organ damage. It was the day after that I knew something was terribly wrong with me.

I continued to get bullied and I sought some professional help during year 12.
At first I felt very embarrassed and like I was a complete fruit cake - like I labelled myself a special 'ed' kid or something, like how could a kid so well off be so pathetic. Especially being a guy, we aren't meant to have any problems emotionally. But ya know, the first time going to professional treatment was hard and uncomfortable, but after a while I liked going there because it helped. And I felt like I was doing something to help myself.

I found the best help I got was from regular visits to my Local GP. He and I went through it all and I told him everything always and just having someone to tell you that everything's going to be all right was what I think helped me the most. I went through one or two therapists before I found the one I liked the best. She and I worked through some stuff that I hadn't talked about with anyone and this really helped. I did take some antidepressant medication for a while and these did help, but only minorly in my case. I found them helpful when I was extremely upset and maybe a bit psychotic, but after all that, they really didn't have that much effect in the long run. Nevertheless they were an asset in my recovery.

Another important tool I used to recover was that of keeping a diary, in which I wrote everything I was upset about. I forced myself to write in it, even when I didn't want to. This I used as a release to air my feelings and also use it as a gauge to monitor my progress. Other than that, reading books written by psychiatrists really helped. One in particular "Feeling Good" by Dr David Burns, was my favourite. Exercise was important. When things got too intense, I would go for a run until I was exhausted.

Since graduating in 2001, I have attended work and study on and off, some of which had times which were incredibly scary and turbulent. I had a visit to the Royal Brisbane Psyche unit after I quit my part time job after finishing school because of a bad experience there. Also when I left study because of my illness, things snowballed and I found my self on the verge of psychosis and so I went to the Princess Alexander Mental Health unit for an assessment.  I have had painful experiences since leaving school in 2001, but since regularly seeing a caring General Practitioner and a few Mental Health professionals, today I am currently seeing a psychiatrist which whom I have made a trusting bond and with the relentless help of my GP, I have managed to overcome most of my depressive illnesses. I don't see my Doctors much now, but every time I do I'm thankful that there are people like this around, because without them I may I have died a long time ago.

I am currently doing a few activities and getting back into life, I do Taekwondo and I attend a self help group in the city. This mid-year I am starting study at TAFE to become a Social Worker. One day I would like to become a Mental Health Professional. I want to be like the people that helped me. Saving the lives of young people that have a full lifetime ahead of them filled with never ending joy, fortune, love, and everything that life has to offer.

For more info on bullying and depression, why not check out these fact sheets and stories...

• Bullying - Know your rights(Fact sheet)
• Depression - types, causes and symptoms(Fact sheet)
• How I conquered bullying (Story)