Recovery

by Emily Dash, 15, NSW

I have been through many abusive relationships in my life, times when I have been manipulated and hurt to a point where I thought recovery was impossible. But I am now slowly getting better, so I wanted to share my story with you (in case anyone has had similar experiences). 

Looking back on the past few years I realise that I'm probably not the only one who had experiences like I did, but that's how it felt at the time.  I guess that's partly why I'm writing this and putting it up on such a great site as Reach Out! - to encourage people going through similar issues to break the cycle and get help.

I should mention that throughout my final year of primary school I discovered what it was like to feel lonely. My best friend had left for another school twelve months before, and I found it very difficult to make new friends on account of my physical disability. So I was prepared to sacrifice anything...even, it seemed, my own identity.

I began to get involved in what could almost be classified as a 'gang' situation.  I was caught up in a clique of manipulative and bullying girls who thought that they could always put me down or walk all over me.  And for a while, I let them.  I figured they could tell me who to be as long as I could stay part of the group.  Anything was better than being alone.  Many of my so-called friends have abused me in highschool - I often wondered whether friendships like this were normal. Every time I stood up for myself I would be tricked into thinking I was the one doing something wrong.

Then I found something else, and it was different. There was this girl who made me feel like everything was all right and I was special to her. After a while though everything fell apart. The person who had become my best friend suddenly didn't want to be with me anymore. She told me I was worthless and she hated me. I was heartbroken.

We got back together after a while because she said she couldn't live without me and threatened to kill herself if ever I left again. But she continued to hurt me, using her depression as an excuse. And so the cycle went on, for a year and a half. When she left the last time I began self-harming to deal with the pain.

By this time it had become almost impossible for me to speak to anyone about my feelings. But it took months and months of suicidal thoughts and plans to make me realise I needed help. I remember the day I snapped and started writing suicide notes to everyone I knew. Luckily I still had the sense to pick up the phone and call my boyfriend. He was worried, and encouraged me to get help. 

The next day I went to see my school counsellor. It was hard to tell her exactly how I felt but she understood. She contacted my parents and explained the situation, suggesting that I see a counsellor outside of school. They agreed reluctantly.

In hindsight, seeing my counsellor is probably one of the best things I've ever done. She's helped me to learn other coping strategies like listening to music, writing poetry, drawing, reading or watching a movie. I'm gradually learning to feel again. There's still a long way to go on the road to recovery but I'm getting there. The most important thing is I don't feel alone anymore.

To anyone who is considering getting help but is unsure whether it is the right thing to do, please give it a shot. It's the best thing you can do to help yourself heal.   

Tell someone you trust, and if you don't succeed or aren't received well, try again. There will be someone out there who's willing to listen. You can do this! The person who features in this story once told me "You can either choose to fly or you will fall." Time and time again, she let herself fall. I spread my wings to fly. And I'm happy. 

There is no excuse for abuse. If you have been abused in any way, break the cycle. Start by telling your story. Post in relevant areas on the Reach Out! online community forum.  Check out the fact sheets. It is really important you tell someone and get the help you deserve.

Be brave. You're gonna be okay.