Savour every moment

When you’re young it’s easy to take your health for granted. As a 20 year old, I was naive enough to think I was untouchable by the hands of illness. But I was wrong.

At first the symptoms were minor so it was easy to brush it off as being a reaction to painkillers, or muscle pain. I convinced myself there was nothing wrong, and continued to ignore things until one day I woke up in horrible pain. I then realised that this was something more serious. But not even in my wildest, most horrible nightmares could I have imagined the outcome.

After extensive tests of every kind, I was told I had a cancerous tumour in my liver. No book, pamphlet or documentary could ever tell you how to react to that kind of news. I felt so alone in the world, and so very, very vulnerable.

I walked out of the hospital feeling like I was trapped in a bad dream, found some shade under a tree and slumped against the trunk. I felt like my mind was both screaming in pain and numb all at the same time. Desperate to feel something real, I tried to light a cigarette, but my hands shook so much it was impossible and I ended up throwing both the cigarette and lighter across the lawn in despair.

I rang one of my friends, hoping her calmness would have its usual soothing effect on me. However when she answered the phone I couldn’t bring myself to tell her. Instead I asked how her date went last night, as she gushed about her latest man I felt more and more isolated from the real world. After hanging up, I stared blankly at the world wondering what on earth I was supposed to do now.

At that moment, I couldn’t possibly understand how the world could continue as it was. I felt furious that the flies kept buzzing, the sun kept shining and the grass was still green- Surely when something had rocked the foundations of my world, the rest of the world should somehow reflect that.

That was months ago. And it’s been a difficult journey coming to understand that I am not invincible, and even people who feel so tiny and insignificant in the whole scheme of things as I do have dramas. I had to keep telling myself “this stuff happens to real people too, not just in films”.

Once you get over the initial shock and the ‘is this happening to me, or am I dreaming’ stage, you realise life has to move on. I know I have about a year to live now. And whilst that’s a really scary thought, you can’t spend the rest of your life waiting for that moment- because when it does come, you’ll have nothing to look back on.

I still find myself drawing in a sharp breath if I hear the word ‘Cancer’.  And the thought of not being around for my kids first day at school, my brother’s high school graduation or my sister’s wedding brings me to tears.

But I think of it like a packet of cookies, when there is a whole packet there it seems ok to eat them quickly with out actually pausing to appreciate them. But when there is only one left- you let it linger in your mouth as long as possible to really savour it before it disappears!

I guess what I've learnt from all of this is that you need to savour every moment, not rush through life without pausing to enjoy it.

For more info on issues raised in this story, why not check out some other ReachOut resources...

• Supporting a friend with a life threatening illness(Fact sheet)
• Benefits of talking to someone(Fact sheet)