Saying goodbye

By: Young Person

I was in London the day it happened

When I came down to the Hotel Lobby to check out, the manager asked to see me. He ushered me into a seat and gingerly handed the paper over.

'I'm sorry to have to write and tell you this, but as her closest friend we wanted to tell you ourselves rather than you hearing second hand. Nichii is no longer with us; she died of a massive drug overdose last night. She died in peace without any pain. Her funeral will be at the Reformed Church on Monday. We are all very sad to have lost such a young, vibrant and loving young lady.' The handwriting was unmistakably that of Nichii's fathers. Had it not been for that I wouldn't have believed it.

A combination of being totally alone, on the other side of the world from where I wanted to be and hearing the news of Nichii's unexpected death sent me into complete shock. Everything seemed so surreal and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

I couldn't understand how somebody so close to me could just be snatched away so suddenly without warning. I became angry with myself for not predicting her death, and angry for every moment I wasted by not being with her. I tried all I could to get a flight back to Sydney for the funeral, but being peak tourist time in Europe I couldn't get a flight in time at short notice.

Things didn't get easier as time passed, in fact they got harder to deal with. Because I hadn't been to the funeral I couldn't grasp the reality of the situation. And I spent the next few weeks in emotional limbo, I floated between being excited about going home and getting to see her again and tell her all about my travels, and knowing when I got back she wouldn't be there.

I came to the conclusion I needed to have my own goodbye service, so just before dust I took 21 candles, one for each year of her life, down to the river. I sat on the edge with my feet in the water and sang her favourite song 'someone to watch over me'. I lit each of the candles and placed them in a circle by the water and said my own little eulogy. I wrote goodbye in the sand inside the circle and lay some flowers over it. It was just like she was watching me, because as I stood up to leave the sun began to rise.

That day a deep peace came over me, inside me I knew that saying goodbye properly meant the grieving process could now begin. I was still miserable and cried everyday for the loss of my beautiful, wonderful friend, but those feelings were real and I could accept them now.

One day I woke up and thought about how last summer she had stood in the street wearing nothing but a raincoat and armed with a shampoo bottle washed her hair in the pouring rain. I laughed to myself, and then out loud hysterically and I realised that you come to a point where after you've cried all the sadness out of you, then you begin to remember the good things and it's like a weight has been lifted off you. And when that happens you know that although the person is not around any more, the memories will always be.