Secondary survival - my story

By 17 year old male from NSW

To Reach Out! readers,

"You are a secondary survivor if a friend, partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, mother, sister, child, or anyone you are very close to is a survivor of sexual assault or physical or emotional abuse. It does not matter if you knew this person when the assault or abuse happened-or even if you knew them and did not know about the assault until much later."

You know - standing there that day, if I had known about the above statement, it wouldn't have changed a thing. I stood there, trying to figure out why Rach and  Candy (the girl who sexually assaulted Rach) were arguing - well it seemed like arguing, because they were doing the female thing - you know...not talking and all that razz - (can you believe I thought it was about me!!!) and Rach told me what happened. Boy was that great "hug and a kiss later" I found myself confronting Candy over why she and my gal were fighting, and you know what?

SHE LIED. BLAMED ME for the abuse.

I went there the next weekend; I sat with my girlfriend to be and listened to her talk about it all - the pain, the night, what happened exactly. Let her cry...other stuff that I don't even remember! And just out of no where, I kissed her. Why? I don't know...she had been keen for me forever, and it wasn't until now that I grew attracted. I look back with anger at the inappropriate timing, but it gave me heaven....

The six initial responses to finding out about the sexual assault/abuse of a loved one are

• Anger
• Guilt
• Fear
• Embarrassment
• Confusion
• Rejection

Now, I won't lie, I had each of these. But it wasn't until well into the 2nd year of our relationship that life was just becoming ridiculously insane. While I promised that I would not tell anyone, (and still stick to this promise), I knew it was starting to affect me...the "push your feelings back to help her" was wearing thin, as Rachael had started seeing a counsellor. SO ME, first thing that really hit me was the timing of the event, and I couldn't help but think to myself:

"HOLY SHIT! YOU WERE MEANT TO BE THERE! YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T GO!" I didn't go to her house, and look what happens.

Oh look. Guilt - number two on the list.

It continues to this day, the guilt...the undeniable self loathing...the "YOU WERE MEANT TO BE THERE WHEN IT HAPPENED!!", but I have learnt to just let it go. The crazy counsellor I went to one day with Rach drilled me with: "NO MORE SELF BLAME! NO!" And well, it's a bit hard to ignore this woman growling at you for an hour.

Fine I was meant to be there, I wasn't. I regret it, but I stayed afterwards...I didn't pack up and go. I dunno if it was the "smart" thing to do, but it made me into a man. The thing that turned me around was a letter from Rachael's counsellor, asking me to join them for a session...and basically having IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT given to me every two seconds. Every other second was -There is to be no more self blame! Now while I can't say that I actually listened, I do realise that okay, maybe I was meant to be there...but I am now. They say that the most important thing to do for a survivor of sexual assault is to listen and believe them.

I did both.

Don't push them for intimacy, respect their physical boundaries.

I still do this.

Rachael is all but healed now. So continues my journey, me being only 2 years behind. At the moment, I am struggling with some reoccurring self harm issues, and major bursts of anxiety...but you know what? I'm looking for help. I've been emailing KHL and Samaritans. I'm looking for a counsellor (now to invest in a Medicare card!) And most importantly:

NO MORE MALE PRIDE (finally).

Love is the most important thing of all, and can help you through the worst of things - and Rach got through with my love. I know it. What I also know is that even though I've started have anxiety attacks and alike, talking it through with someone - a KHL counsellor and my school counsellor is what I did, but anybody you trust- is the most responsible thing you can do - and that is coming from an 18 year old guy, who is riddled with the "MALE PRIDE "CRAP"" For all those out there in a situation like this one
DO NOT LEAVE YOUR WOMAN! She has spoken to you, because she trusts you and needs you!

Look I know that I'm not meant to be negative and stuff...but really it ruined me at the time; I didn't know what to do, who to turn to...and the holding in of my feelings drove me NUTS! Saying that- it made me a better man, and now I'm coming through it all (and I am, according to some - an "inspiration".

Now to Medicare!!!

Yours Sincerely

Albert.
A secondary survivor.

For more info on how to cope with abuse and how to help a friend in need, why not check out some fact sheets and stories on ReachOut...

• Helping a friend who is in a sexually abusive relationship (Fact sheet)
• Child abuse - how to get support (Fact sheet)
• Guy talk: How to support a friend in need (Forum)