Shake a full can a soda and it will burst!

By 22 year old female from Victoria

I never really liked to let other people know how I felt inside. I'm still not great at it. Very few people know me really well. I was always scared that if I opened up to people, I would end up getting hurt or that it meant I wasn't strong enough to handle things on my own.

I never really worked out why. Maybe it was cos when I was at primary school I got teased a bit or maybe its cos my family bottles their feelings up too. Who knows.

So I kind of created this 'pretend me' to cover all the things I felt insecure about. On the surface I had lots of friends, was attractive and smart. I got good marks, lots of awards and invited to lots of parties. But inside I was dying; confused and insecure.

It started when I was 16 but I was too young and naive to notice. By the time I did I was in my first year of university. I was very moody, prone to outbursts and crying for no reason at all. I had also become very obsessive.

In year 12, I went to the Gym every day and began to overly study.

I was also slightly paranoid and began worrying about ridiculous things. The thought of just going out to dinner with my friends would make my heart race uncontrollably and my legs buckle beneath me.

After University I arrived home for Christmas, and couldn't get the worrying out of my head. I'd gotten so low and hadn't even realised. I couldn't concentrate on anything; I couldn't eat, or sleep. I felt like I was watching my life through a filter, everything seemed distant and blurry. My responses became slow. I barely felt alive. One day I looked at myself in the mirror and it pained me, I felt ashamed to look at myself. And to me there was no one I could talk to.

I tried talking to my family but they didn't understand. They put it down to attention seeking. I went to a couple of Doctors who put me on sleeping tablets. Bad Idea.
I began to think about ODing.

Eventually I went to the right Doctor! I couldn't handle things anymore and burst into tears, confessed all my years of secrets. Showed him the marks on my arms. And he didn't flinch. Didn't think I was a freak. He smiled and told me that I was just in pain like every other patient and could be cured.

So I began medication and spent time in hospital. As my family realised what was happening to me a lot of secrets came out. I discovered my Grandmother, an aunty and an Uncle had all suffered depression too. But no one ever spoke about it. With my grandmother's support I learnt to understand what I had: OCD and depression. I also learnt to fight it. I began walking regularly (to release those endorphins!), and most importantly TALK to people about how I felt! I discovered I lost a few people I thought were friends but discovered who really cared about me and gained some true friends for life.

I went back to university and slowly improved. My confidence got better, I began sleeping, and I began going out without feeling anxious or worried. My artwork improved (I study art) and I began enjoying life tonnes more!

These days I can't be kept at home and have a bit of a rep as a party girl (who'd a thought?)! You know that saying, "No man is an island" is really corny, yet true! You need to learn to open up to others and trust even if you do get a little hurt along the way. Bottling things up will just lead to bigger problems later on.

For more info on how to cope with anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder, check out some links on our site...

• Climbing The OCD Mountain(Fact sheet)
• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)(Fact sheet)
• I have an anxiety disorder(Story)