Shyness

What is shyness?

Shyness is usually associated with being quiet, insecure, and/or socially anxious.

Being shy is not always a bad thing. We can all feel shy from time to time and so it is alright to feel a little uncomfortable in new situations and with new people.

Did you know that some of history's most famous, important and successful people were/are shy? Have a look at the Shyness & Social Anxiety Treatment Australia website to see many more celebrities that have or do experience shyness.

So, you can still be shy and achieve your goals. Shyness does not have to rule your life, it can be overcome.

What causes shyness?

Some people are born more shy than others. Sometimes you can grow out of shyness and sometimes it can stay with you. Shyness is generally associated with new situations and can often pass. For example, your first day at school or starting in a new job when you don't know anyone. Over time you might start to make friends and your shyness might start to go away as you become more comfortable and confident in your new situation.

Here are some situations you might find yourself being shyer in than others:

• public speaking - e.g. class presentations
• speaking to someone of the opposite sex
• meeting new people 
• eating and drinking in public
• exams
• performing
• talking to someone important (for example: your boss)
• job interviews.

Symptoms of shyness

How you might behave:

• quietly and passively
• avoiding eye contact
• avoiding social situations
• speaking quietly
• nervous behaviours, such as touching your hair or face a lot.

What you might feel physically:

• fast heart beat
• dry mouth
• shaking
• sweating
• feeling faint or dizzy
• butterflies in your stomach or feeling sick
• feeling like the situation is unreal or you are removed
• fear of losing control, going crazy, or having a heart attack.

What you might think:

• negative thoughts about your self, the situation, and others
• wanting to be perfect to avoid judgment
• blaming and beating yourself up, particularly after a social situation
• believing yourself as weak and others as powerful
• thinking: "I am don't fit in" or "I'm unattractive" and so on.

What you might be feeling:

• embarrassed
• self-consciousness
• silly
• low self-esteem
• sad
• lonely
• depressed
• anxious/ worried.

Blushing and sweating

When you are feeling shy or embarrassed in a social situation or any of the situations mentioned above, you might find yourself blushing or sweating more than usual. It is possible also to blush for no apparent reason. In embarrassing or stressful situations, the fight or flight response is activated which releases extra adrenaline into the bloodstream meaning that more blood rushes to your face, neck and ears. Anxiety and nervousness can make you to sweat more on you face or under your arms.

These physical displays of embarrassment, shyness and/or nervousness are often more noticeable to you than to others. You may also think that people are going to judge you and think that you are weak or dishonest by blushing or sweating, however others often see just see you as being shy or nervous.

Sometimes breathing can help to reduce the symptoms of blushing, see the fact sheet on Relaxation for information on breathing techniques.

For more information visit the Shyness and Social Anxiety Treatment Australia website or the Better Health website.

Self-esteem and confidence

Building your self-esteem and confidence can often help reduce shyness in some situations. Low self-esteem can influence the way you behave with other people and it might hold you back from new experiences because you become overly concerned with the possibility of failure or looking stupid.

There are ways of building your self-esteem like becoming friends with yourself and challenging your self-talk. Focusing on your good qualities helps to build your confidence/esteem. Knowing that no one is better and no one is perfect may help in these scary social situations.

Have a look at the Self esteem fact sheet and Challenging negative self talk fact sheet for more information.

Can shyness be serious?

Sometimes being shy can impact on your life. You might find that you avoid social situations or new people because you are too shy and sometimes you may feel afraid to do simple things like asking someone a question or avoiding taking the bus because you don't like everyone looking at you. If you feel that your shyness is impacting on your life, have a read of the Social anxiety fact sheet.

What can you do if you are feeling shy?

It can be really useful to talk to someone if you feel that your shyness is keeping you from doing things that you want to do. Consider talking to your family, friends or counsellor.

Here are some tips that can help you start to overcome your shyness:

Prepare a conversation topic

Thinking about what you might talk about with new people can really help the conversation and any awkward feelings. It helps to pick a topic that you know a lot about and feel confident talking about.

Smile and be friendly

You are more likely to be friendly to someone who smiles at you, so try it yourself. Opening yourself up to people can make them feel more comfortable and more likely to be friendly in response.

Practicing social skills

Start practicing your social skills one at a time. Try smiling at someone or saying 'hi', and keep practicing at home until you feel confident to try it out in a social situation, then you can move onto something else like trying to keep eye contact during a conversation.

Worst case scenarios

It may help to run through some of the worse things that could happen, so you could wonder how you would handle stumbling over your words when giving a class presentation or dropping your drink at a party. Thinking about some of the worse things that could happen may help you realise that they aren't that bad and would also prepare you for these situations if they were to happen

"I'm shy"

Letting other people know that you are shy can sometimes make the situation more comfortable. People are generally understanding, caring and patient, so they will help support you.

Reward yourself

It really helps to tell yourself that you did really well after you have been in a situation. It is also important to remember that sometimes things can go wrong and that you should look at the things that did go well, like the fact that you tried.

What can you do if your friend is shy?

If you know someone who's shy, try to help the person feel less nervous. Think about how it feels for you when you are feeling shy. You can even try telling them about a time that you felt shy. It will help them to understand that everyone feels shy sometimes.

More information

Check out the Meeting new people fact sheet for ideas as well as Reach Out Central (ROC), a new interactive space, where you can test drive life and find support on dealing with a range of issues.

Acknowledgement: Anxiety Disorder Alliance