Social anxiety

Hey stuartB,

This is me in a nut shell. It's funny because I always just thought I was shy and then I though I just didn't go out because I put on weight and was too self conscious but now I've lost a lot of weight but nothing has changed. Then I come on places like this and read the symtoms and stories and they are exactly like me, it's almost a relief to know I'm not the only one.

I've been going through it for probably 6 or 7 years (I'm 26 now) and it's got worse and worse. I became very isolated which led to me losing contact with almost all of my friends, I never wanted to go out to the clubs and pubs because they were full of attractive energetic confident people which terrified me so people stopped inviting me and I started spending my weekends and weekdays alone in my room.
I started smoking a lot of pot or drinking a lot almost every day and night, I was unemployed for a long time and basically wasted some of the best years of my life.

I dropped out of Uni or maybe flunked out because I didn't want to go to classes and deal with all those people so I tried a little to do it on my own but that failed miserably. The same thing happened at TAFE.
It goes on and on.

Now I'm 26 and it's finally dawned on me that I can't just keep letting my life slip away.
I have lost about 50 kilos in the past 6 months which built a little confidence but didn't solve any real problems.
I finally made the decision to see a Therapist a couple of months ago, there was an instant relief being able to tell someone things that I haven't told anyone before. To be honest it hasn't changed my situation much yet but just the talking to someone ANYONE helps.

I know this is a muddled ramble but I just wanted to get it out. I look forward to reading other people experiences because it all helps.

Hi r.b! 

It's strange how it becomes like looking out through your own eyeholes from a distance in social situations. I kind of got to the stage where i would spread a couple of sentences across a few days. I went near crazy with the silence and stagnation and misery and bitterness. But then i'd get irritated if someone disturbed me. Yeah, i've been down quite a long time...but i started seeing a psychiatrist in second year uni, and he's been of great help. I didn't even realise this condition existed. I kind of wish i could explain it to people, to give them warning, or at least assuage my guilt- but how do you explain it? "Sorry for seeming so cold and distant and mute, but see thing is, you all terrify me". It's ludicrous! I guess all phobias are.

The most important thing i think is not to overanalyse, never to think too much. Otherwise it all becomes this VORTEX OF DESPAIR, haha.

By the way, I'm not sure about other people, but in online environments like facebook chat, i have no fear. It's strange. I can talk for hours and hours online, constantly crimping up with silent laughter, but after a few minutes in normal conversation i get exhausted and draw a complete blank. Some of the most exciting, enriching and imaginative conversations i've had online. I think it's just as worthwhile as face-to-face. It's just a different mode. It makes f2f with a person less scary as well; it feels like you've shared something together, or at least like you've 'proved' you're not a frigid, empty shell.

Hey GG,

this is me. I'm afraid of how people see me, people staring and judging me. I hate talking on the phone... thats just horrid. I can't talk to a person in authority because they make me paranoid. I can't meet new people, I get all choked up and paranoid. :/

DON'T GIVE UP!!!!! i know what it feels like to feel helpless, but it will get better if you work hard at it. i know thats easier said then done but the more you put into it now the easier it will get.trust me.

i have also had trouble finding a good therapist, i went to 6 different ones before i found someone that i like, it just takes time and patience.Also i know whats its like to be bullied and feel like your being used, the same thing happened to me all the time. but once you have started some regular counselling that stuff wont matter to you anymore and you will learn to be stronger and stand up for yourself more. have you tried going to support groups in your area? or talked to a doctor? they will be able to help with medications or give you advice about who to talk to.

Hey Sonny,

Thankyou so much for your advice, everything you have said has helped except that when i went to the therapist, i dunno i felt judged she was treating me like a child and that i didnt understand what she was saying the truth is she didnt say much .

And as for doing nice things for people.  i totally agree and it makes me feel awesome but the majority of my life people have preyed upon that kindness and the amount of bullying i have been subjected to is unimaginable. 

My whole life i have been a sort of laughing stock a way for people to feel beter about themselves and my whole life i have let it happen because i have always been told that i was special, there best friend forever and there is no better felling than feeling like you are important.  The only person who i could talk to is now dead.

i feel so alone and you are the only person who has made me feel like im not and that im belong somewhere even though it might not be here.  I thankyou so much for that Sonny it really means alot.

Hi Madz13, (and everyone else too)
i have been struggling with social anxiety disorder for many years and have been through everything you said in your first paragraph. its only in the last 2 years i have felt i have taken control of the problem, and event though i had some setbacks, i can recommend the following:
-Track down a local therapist ( you can get a referral from your doctor to get get free or very cheap sessions)
- Research the crap out of everything: Find out every possible piece of information on social anxiety disorder and what may have caused it or how you can help yourself (i check out Reach Out at least once a month for any extra comments, advice) pick out keywords from your research and research them too. the more you know about it the easier it it to help yourself.
-Be aware of your thoughts: if you catch yourself thinking bad thoughts about yourself, stop what your doing and think about something you love about yourself
- Be good to others: you'll get an awesome rush from doing something for another person plus its good karma and good things will happen in return
- Don't worry to much about getting other people to understand what social anxiety is. it is a confusing experience and even though i've had it most of my life i still don't quite understand it
- the most important thing is to not give up. everyone has their problems and this just one just happens to be ours. we' might never be fully cured and might have to work on it the rest of our lives but when you get to the point were you are not overwhelmed by it all you'll like that being an introvert is a part of  you and you will be glad that your not a loud mouth bitch.

Thank you so much for clearing things up 4 me.

 I went to the doctors just over a year ago because i had trouble sleeping, i had nightmares, cried ALOT for what seemed like no particualr reason, some mornings i just couldn't get out of bed, in certain social situations i would start shaking uncontrollably and i had these awful sickening feelings all the time, but more common when my friends would argue or fight..

Turns out it was social anxiety and the doctor wouldn't tell me exactly what it was, Thank you so much for helping me find out by myself and finally understand whats goin on with me.

p.s. I just lost my Grandma recently who i was really close to, i was also with her when she died (i was the one holding her hand), it seems like the anxiety's worse all of a sudden i feel like my friends keep forgetting that this is really hard for me and i don't think that they know what social anxiety is exactly. 

Does any one have any advice for me. Please

this is definitely me. i have noticed this from a long time ago actually but dont know exactly what to do.  i think my family knows that im shy but they dont know how i feel inside. i really hate myself for being so awkward in every conversation especially with boys. i want to talk to them like a normal person but i just dont know what to say or what should i say to make them think im not boring. most of the time i blame myself for being not good at english cos im not a native. im quiet bcos i always think if i talk to someone, they'll laugh at my english. i try my best to look good so people wont judge me bad. i cant look at other people eyes bcos im afraid they will see the bad side of me. i told my bestfriend about this and she said that i should ignore what other people think. i know its true but i just cant. i always say "well, this is me". but i really want to change. i want to have a lot of friends and have fun with them. i think the biggest problem for me is to speak up. i absolutely have no idea what to say to someone and to keep the conversation last longer. but im glad knowing that im not alone. i reckon we should have a meeting or something to share our experiences and discuss things together :)

Hi all,

I have been suffering from social phobia, depression, anger issues and insomnia for 21 years now. It started when I was around 12 years of age and was basically brought on by my family situation. My father wouldn't allow myself, my mother or two sisters to do anything or go anywhere, except school so I spent my days locked away in my bedroom with just my thoughts. When I reached high school it was all just too much so I quit at the age of 13 and attempted suicide by taking every pill I could find in the house. I felt I had no choice. I woke in the morning with a real bad stomach ache but that is all. Eventually my friends stopped calling and I was being called a weirdo. I hated everyone and everything by that point, even my family as instead of trying to help me they were all calling me everyname under the sun and refused to acknowledge my problems. They even accused me of lying about it all. I completely shut down. That was back then and my situation hasn't improved much at all. I have a partner and four beautiful boys but my problems are still all here. My social phobia is now so great that I won't go outside of my own house if my neighbours are about. I have to look first. I can handle going shopping only just. My partner almost always does it on his own which means I don't leave the house for long periods. I am too terrified to have my childrens friends come over and this breaks my heart the most. I have no friends at all and no social life. I ued to drink to make things better but I don't anymore as I refuse to let my boys see me like that. If it wasn't for them I know I would've tried commiting suicide again ages ago. Everyday is a very hard struggle and I am so so glad I found this site as it has let me get alot of things off my chest.

Try to keep strong everyone,
Sometimes it is all we can do to survive.

I was diagnosed with Severe Social Anxiety Disorder 4 years ago.

I want you to know that you can be a changed person because I am a different person to how I used to be. You can heal from this. It is an illness...not who you are.

I think recovery involves a lot of developing more positive and rational thoughts and beliefs. You need to question your thoughts and think more rationally.

Also to develop the belief that you are an unconditionally worthy human being no matter what anyone thinks about you, says to you, or does to you, including yourself.

Socializing and Connecting is not about performance and perfectionism.

I share what has helped me with overcoming shyness and social anxiety (Mod edit - Please see guidelines)

~Peace, Healing & Wellbeing

Hey there Kris 1234.

I am sorry to hear about what you have been experiencing. It must be really tough.

I suggest that you speak to someone about what you are going through.  A professional will be able to help you sort through your feelings and come up with strategies to help you feel more comfortable speaking in social situations.

A really great place to start is head space.  They are specially set up for young people, super friendly and thier services are usually free or very low cost.  All you have to do is give them a call or pop in to your nearest head space centre to make an appointment.  You can find out more info about them , incuding where your nearest office is and even take a virtual tour here: http://www.headspace.org.au/

Another option is to visit your school or Tafe/Uni counsellor.  Consellors are awesome because they are trained to deal with a wide range of issues and can give you advice and even refer you on to other services in your local area who will be able to help you.  Here is some info on visiting them: http://au.reachout.com/find/articles/school-counsellors

If you dont feel up to speaking to someone face to face you can try web or email counselling at headsapces new services called eheadspace: https://www.eheadspace.org.au/

Or give the friendly people at kids help line a call on 1800 55 1800.

Keep reaching out
Roisin - RO Crew

I find my biggest problem is not having anything to say.Even with my closest friends.
I really want to get involved in conversations but my mind goes blank. people think im a snob because i turn away when i can tell they are going to say something to me. i feel like my condition is getting better but i need to learn conversation skills does anyone know any good books/ resources/ or therapies in sydney that would help me with this?

To solikeyea
We aren't Professionals here, but we all understand and have been through that.

Your not the first one to have these issues, the easiest way is find a social worker that is easy to talk to if you have access to good health care facilities.

If you have any questions of how to cope with this illness just ask and i will endeavor to answer them and i don't or cant there are plenty of other people on this site that can answer them and give you there strategies for coping with this illness 

 Hi AnnQuality,
 
I really am sorry to hear about everything you are going through.  It must be really tough to feel so isolated but you do not need to feel alone and you ARE human.  Check out these stories written by other young people about how they have felt and been through similar issues to you:
http://au.reachout.com/find/articles/the-world-is-not-so-scary,
http://au.reachout.com/find/articles/kick-keep-your-head-above-water-+-dont-drown
 
I am sorry to hear that you didn't find your counsellor helpful but you do need to keep trying.  It is important that you connect with your counsellor, if you really think that your counsellor didn't help you, that's ok and this doesn't make you "unhelpable". They may just be the wrong person for you and someone else might be better. Lots of people have to change until they find someone that clicks with them.  Not all mental health professionals are the same. If you do not like the first or even the second or third person you see it is important to try again with someone else. Like any relationship you have with friends, family or the people you work with, your relationship with your mental health professional is best when you trust them. Gaining this trust may take time
 
If you do not feel up to speaking to someone face to face why not try kids help line on 1800 55 1800. They are really friendly and 100% confidential and anonymous.  You can call anytime of the night or day free from a land line or pay phone.  Kids help line also provide free web and email counselling at their website here: http://www.kidshelp.com.au/teens/.  Another brand new service is eheadspace this also provides web and email counselling here: https://www.eheadspace.org.au/ .  eheadspace and kids help line are really awesome because they are both specifically set up for young people and will understand what you are going through.  Talking to these services will help you sort through your feelings, get things into perspective and release tension.  The friendly specially trained professionals will be able to help you come up with strategies to work through everything that you are experiencing.
 
It sounds like you are a bit isolated living far away from the shops and community centres, have you thought about joining an online community?  Reachout.com has forums where you can chat and play games with other young people who have been through similar issues to you.  They are completely anonymous and open 24/7 here is the link: http://forums.reachout.com/forum.php  There are heaps of other online communities out there where you can talk to people with similar interests, so why not give them a try?
 
We promise that you are not alone - You just need to connect with someone who will listen to you and help you with everything you are going through. 
 
Keep reaching out
 
Roisin - RO Crew

I don't find this helpful at all. Nothing is. I can barely leave my house, I'm afraid of people my own age because of what high school was like. I couldn't complete year 10 because I was so petrified of going. I hate the feeling of being along all the time. My family are around me but it's not the same. I get so down whenever I see a group of people laughing and having fun because I can't ever be like that again. I tried getting a job but was bullied. I live in the suburbs but I'm far away from shopping centres or community clubs. I can't bring myself to talk to anyone new. I just want the empty feeling to go away. I've had counsellors but none of them have helped me. It's like being isolated from the universe because somewhere along the line I forgot how to be human.

i dont know what im going to do. ive been lke this for close to ten years. im young. i have no friends. i dont go out by my self. only with a family member. i am happy most of the time. but then i realize. im just living in la la land. and i am scared. and crying. i mean i want to be normal. i want a life. i want a family. i want to grow old with the man that i love. but its been too long. i feel so stuck. i need help. maybe im not ready yet. i feel so crazy. and whenever i have gone to see someone, which i havent for atleast 3 years. they think im fine. that im just shy. they dont know how i feel though. i havent told them. they put me on drugs when i was like 14 or 15 they made me suicidal they ended out taking me off of them because of something to do with heart attack or whatever. i havent taken any other ones. i dont know if i want to. i was depressed and i cut. i had to do it a certain number of times a day. for like 2 years maybe. no one ever knew about it. but i stopped. all by myself. without help. so im proud of that. i dont know whats wrong with me exactly. but i dont like it. maybe i have a mixture of things. if that can happen. but whatever. i just want to get better. and i dont know if im allowed to write all that stuff. i just want to know like. what someone thinks or if anyone is like that. i dont know.

Hey Wafcam - 

Wow, this is an amazing article, so much great information. I ahve been shy pretty much my whole life and I used to suffer from facial blushing lots too.

(Mod edit- Please see guidelines)

I was really shy in high school, but i thought i got over that when i got to uni but i think some people have said to me that i am shy so i was wondering if anyone would know what being not shy was like.

I've struggled with social anxiety for 12 months now. I've been speaking to my psychologist & I have come to terms that I will never be the same as I was before. So, I have to everyday carry out a fake smile, when I am forced to be around people (the people, I don't want to be around with).

wow this is so me. i can hardly be myself around people - even my friends and especially boys! i think some people are starting to turn on me because of it. i thought i was just really shy but now i know whats really wrong with me. thanks heaps :)

This is ME ...I had no idea other people felt like this. I always thought I was just stupid cuz I would freeze up around people and would say stupid things or forget things or have to think before answering simple questions because I was so nervous... and sometimes I would answer questions the way I THINK people would want me to cuz I didnt want to disappoint them. Its like this fog comes over my brain as soon as I start to feel social pressure and I become stupid. I can never figure out reply's to jokes or witty things to say back to people but everyone else jokes around like its nothing. I can almost see myself making mistakes as I am doing them but I cant stop myself.  I think I am basically a good and decent person but I seriously have NO friends. None. I could never figure out what was wrong with me. Thank god this exists... maybe now I can figure out how to fix it. I am so sick of feeling  so stressed out and beating myself up over every conversation I have....

thats me most of the time... socially awkward, but funny thing, I can actually bring myself to singing in front of large groups and yet can't even speak casually without going wierd... go figure

I didn't know this was an actual disorder, i thought i was just weird, but now i understand. thankyou so much.

this fact sheet was really helpful. Now I know whats wrong with me! Thanx a lot :)

wow. this is exactly what i have. thanks for this now i can understand whats wrong with me.