Supporting a friend with a life threatening illness

Finding out your friend has a life threatening illness is likely to be a huge shock. You may be asking yourself a number of questions, including:

• What am I supposed to say or do?
• How can I be a friend to a friend who is living with a life threatening illness?
• Should I ask how he or she is feeling?
• Should I talk about how much fun I had last night?
• Should I talk about the things that are bothering me, seeing as they seem so trivial compared to what my friend is going through?
• What will I do if I lose my friend?

This may be the first time you have had to confront a serious illness and the fear of loss. Knowing how to come to terms with what is happening may take some time.

It is also important that you look after yourself at what is probably an extremely difficult time so that you can be in a better position to be a supportive friend.

How you might be feeling

After finding out your friend is not well you might be experiencing a range of emotions, including feeling:

• angry
• upset
• stressed and/or anxious
• confused
• down or depressed
• distracted, and finding it hard to concentrate.

These feelings can be difficult to move beyond. If you are experiencing any of these feelings, it is important that you look after yourself.

If you are finding that you can't shake how you are feeling and it is starting to affect your day to day routine, it might be helpful to talk to someone like a counsellor. Check out the fact sheet on Looking after yourself when a friend has a life threatening illness for some ideas about how to take care of yourself.

Tips from young people with a life threatening illness

Sometimes it might be hard to understand what your friend who has a life threatening illness is going through.

This info has been put together by young people from CanTeen to help you be there for your friend.

• If you are feeling uncomfortable about talking about your friend's illness, it is OK to express that to your friend.
• Don't forget that your friend is there. Just because they are not at school or uni or work it doesn't mean that they are not interested in things going on there or other things going on in people's lives.
• Understand that your friend's illness is only a part of their life.
• Don't be afraid to ask hard questions....they will answer them if they want to and if they don't...then they won't!
• Continue to discover new things together like new books, movies and places to visit.
• Go and hang out with your friend for a day at the hospital while they are having treatment (if they say it's OK).
• Email your friend, text them or call them as much as you like. Your friend might get bored and lonely so contact them as much as you can.
• Enlist other friends to visit or call your friend regularly.
• If your friend's sibling or family member is away and they are home alone, give them a call and invite them around for dinner.
• Be a good friend and support your friend through all the stages of their illness. A lot of friends and family will be around at the beginning, but providing support over the long haul is necessary. Try and be the consistent friend they know they can rely on!
• If you ask your friend how they are feeling and they say FINE, beware! Just remember that FINE can mean Freaking out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.

More tips

How do I talk about it?

It is not uncommon to feel uncomfortable about approaching your friend to talk about what's going on for them, and you may find yourself waiting for a sign that it is OK to talk. It's OK to express your discomfort to your friend, and this may help you get more of an indication about whether they want to talk about their illness or not.

It is possible that your friend is feeling quite isolated, both mentally ("Am I the ONLY one going through this?") and physically (when they can't always hang out with friends, etc).

If your friend is happy to chat about their condition, and you're comfortable with it, it may be worthwhile to find out:

• What restrictions their illness might put on them (Some illnesses can be quite limiting in a physical sense...so going out may not be possible for them).
• What you can do to help.

What if they don't want to talk about it?

If your friend doesn't want to chat about things (they might be sick of talking about it or they may simply not feel like it), just letting them know that you're willing to listen can make a huge difference and make them feel less isolated.

If they don't feel like chatting, you could do some of your own research to find out more about their illness (the internet can be a great place to start). It's important to remember that everyone's case is different though.

What if your friend doesn't want any contact at all?

It is possible that your friend might chose not to see you at all. This might be hard for you to accept, but it is important to try and understand things from your friend's perspective. They may not be ready to see anyone as they may still be digesting the news. This may also be their way of trying to control the situation. If you need to communicate with them a good way to do it might be via text message, email or a letter.

A few other things to understand about having a life threatening illness

Having a serious illness may mean that your friend has to make adjustments to many aspects of their life. The following might help you understand what they're going through:

• Illness can often affect a person's mobility or independence and this is often a huge adjustment for a young person to make.
• Bad days really suck and the frustration can sometimes be overwhelming and people might not be as patient/relaxed as they usually are.
• Illnesses don't always make sense. On Monday your friend may seem fine, and by Tuesday they could be in tears with pain. It's good to be flexible and to realise that plans to meet with your friend may need adjusting/postponing.
• If your friend doesn't want contact for a while, it may just be that they're not feeling well at the time and not that they don't want to catch up with you. Don't take it personally.
• No two people are the same even if suffering with the same condition.
• Remember that your friend is still the same person. Illness doesn't define a person.

Acknowledgement: Thanks to CanTeen for their input to this fact sheet.