Teen angst and Big macs

Hmmm there comes a stage in everybody's life I believe where if it isn't turned upside down already.... then you believe everything / everybody else is going to do it. Now, looking back at that time I laugh and think what a dork I was, but  at the time... it tends to be a lil' scary! You face fears you dont wanna, because you have to.... tiny things that bother no one else may be your biggest fret.

For example, I used to be quite the heffa in highschool, so my big fear for the week was swimming every friday in P.E. Nothing like a fat kid in speedos  ! I was also coming to terms with been a homo... that was tough too. So yes, there I was roughly in Year 10....fat and gay. Fun fun fun. I tried everything to avoid going to school on Fridays, it even got to the point where I had stopped eating, so I'd look a lil trimmer in my swimmers (i though that'd rhyme... it doesn't.) So yes, this grew and grew and I shrunk and shrunk. So now there was I was.... 6 months later and too skinny that even the draw string wouldn't hold em up.

So I gained an eating disorder, still a homo and was starting to get depressed. This was cool for me I thought at first, I could accessorise my mental disorders with my fashion! So a few black nails, shoes, shirts and pants later...I was ready to face the world. Did I realise I was a walking billboard of teen-angst ? Most likely.... but I had spent $400 on my Doc Martins, so I had to get good use outta em.

Now, I was coming into Year 11. Too unfit to attend school (which I wasnt complaining about at first), still down and I realised I was refusing help everytime the offer was presented. It was kinda like denying a big mac even though I was starving. I wanted help (and the big mac) but something inside me made me refuse it. This would frustrate me to such a degree I would get mad and felt the need to hurt myself. So enter the cutting. Now kids, cutting is a strange world to enter, a lot of youth around me were like "Oh how cool man, punk rock !"... They are what I like to call "stupid". It lets out our repressed anger, but only temporarily... you don't realise at the time that it leaves you with permanent memories, scars. The choice to do this really gained a lot of attention from my folks when they noticed it. It was family freak out time. Shrink after shrink kept repeating "Be constructive, not destructive". I heard it so many times over and over, it began to sound like a tacky Hi - 5 song. Nonetheless, they were right.

Year 12 was over the horizon, still wasn't really attending school. To be honest, I didn't care much about my exams, so that didn't add to the stress factor like it would for so many others. I was turning into an anti-social, anti-smiling, anti-most things sorta kid. It was also becoming clear that I was pushing my eating habits, cutting habits to the limit. I had been doing this for so long and where had it gotten me ? Absolutely no where! I remember the moment I realised this and I started to laugh. I could cut my whole freakin arm off, if the need was there, and still the only help I would get is the help I chose to receive. You coulda buried me in big macs and I would only eat if I chose to open my mouth. Depression was a little different, and my mentality played a big part. It had a lot to do with positive thinking. I looked about, at everything, and thought 'why is the glass half empty everytime?' I had one answer: Because you choose to see it that way.

Don't get me wrong, I understand depression, anorexia etc are disorders and are quite complex, but the moment you realise indulging in these things and not taking the help to get outta there, then you will never get out. It's like when you are in bed with a blanket over your head. You know you're surrounded by fresh cool air outside, but you keep it over you and its getting hotter and stuffy and harder to breath by the second. Taking that blanket off is so refreshing and its like a non-painful slap in the face. I turned around and simply asked for help. Instead of cutting, i took up kickboxing. Instead of fearing food, I learnt what was good for me and started following a low fat diet. Gay-wise.... I was so over been silent, I just blurted it out. You'd be suprised how many parents know years before you do ! My mum was very accepting, my Dad had to get used to it and my sisters were like "About time he outted himself". So yeah... within a week of sitting down and talking, just to my parents, not even Doctors, things seemed a lot better. It didnt hurt to smile, I didnt gain 100 pounds when I ate a sandwhich and I didn't blow up in a ball of anger if I didnt cut myself.

So all of the above it is pretty common. We all go through this and/or something similar. So if it bored you I am quite sorry ! I just want to get the fact across that blocking the lighter side of life will only keep you in the dark for longer. I'm not addressing any specific disorders either, more the fact that I remember how easy it is to fall deeper into them. They soon become an excuse, then a lifestyle choice, then it ends up taking over your life. I admit, I still like the darker things in life. Music wise and movies. I dont tend to wear much black though...I like my Tsubi Jeans too much. I still have scars on my arms, but have no need to add to the collection. I've got a bf now for the past 3 years, he's damn fine and in a band (what more can I ask for ?).Oh, and I was writing this whilst eating a KFC Sweet Chilli wrap. So kids, life does go on... with our without you. So I suggest keeping your chin up, your eyes open and if you can't.... Don't be afraid to ask for a lil help.

Want a bit more information on how eating disorders effect blokes? Check out some fact sheets and stories on ReachOut...

• Body image + blokes (Fact sheet)
• Male body image + blokes blog post (Blog)