Telling people you're gay, lesbian, or bi

10 things to consider

"I think I have something to tell you" . . . 10 things to consider before telling someone about your feelings and sexuality.

Often it is important to tell other people about your feelings. If you are considering telling someone, you may consider some of the questions raised below in light of your own situation. Remember, everybody's situation is unique and everyone's family and friends are different. For some people your sexuality will not be an issue, for others it may be scary and they may have a hard time accepting your feelings. Remember, who you tell and when you tell them is up to you.

1. How sure are you about your sexual attractions and sexuality?

 "Are you sure?" - is likely to be one of the most common questions you will be asked. Whether the answer is yes, no or maybe, you need to be able to respond with confidence to the question.

2. How comfortable are you with your sexuality?

If you are feeling sad, guilty or angry, you may want to seek help in understanding and coming to terms with those feelings before coming out to people who may react badly.

3. Do you have support?

If your family or friends' reaction may upset you, find someone or a group that you can confidentially turn to for support and strength. The Gay and Lesbian counselling service or a social group may be able to provide you with that support.

4. Are you knowledgeable about homosexuality?

A person's response may be based on stereotypes and myths about gay, lesbian or bisexual people. Doing some reading on the subject or speaking to someone who is knowledgeable may help you answer some of your own questions and some of the questions that others may have. Having some information that others can read may also be helpful. Books such as "My Child is Gay" or "Someone You Love" may be able to give them some insight into your feelings and issues surrounding homosexuality.

5. What's the mood at home?

If you have a choice of when to tell people about your feelings, consider the timing. Try not to tell people during an argument or use the issue as a weapon. If you tell people during an aggressive and defensive moment you may end up getting a bad reaction and distancing them.

6. Can you be patient?

People often require time to deal with this information if they haven't considered it prior to your sharing. If you decide to tell someone close you, be prepared to give them time to adjust and to comprehend the new information about you. Try to hang in there while they get over the initial shock of finding out that they did not know everything about you.

7. Are you financially dependent on people you want to tell?

If you suspect that someone may withdraw any financial support or force you out of where you live, you may choose to wait until they don't have this pressure to hold over you. It is important that you think about all the advantages and disadvantages of telling someone.

8. What are their general views of gay, lesbian or bisexual people?

Depending on your relationship with someone, you may already have a good idea about their views and feelings on sexuality. It may be wise to use this knowledge and consider how much information and support you may need if you decide to tell them about your feelings.

9. Is it your decision to tell someone?

The decision to tell someone about your sexuality should be yours, however this is not always the case. Try not to feel pressured by people who think that "everyone must come out" or by snooping people who ask unwanted questions.

10. Are they likely to respect your privacy?

You may feel comfortable only having one person or a small group of people knowing about your feelings. Before you tell someone you may need to consider how likely they are to respect your right to privacy and respect the confidentiality of what you are telling them.

Reactions to "coming out"

Just as you are unique, so is everyone around you and so they will all react differently. Some people will have no problems with your sexuality and be happy for you, some may have already suspected and were just waiting for you to tell them. For others it will challenge their feelings towards you. They may feel worried, angry or responsible.

It may be necessary to allow them time and space. Shock, denial, and feelings of guilt are often experienced by people when they are told someone close to them is gay, lesbian or bisexual. Remember you have probably given your sexuality a lot of thought, but it may be new to them. Although the feelings they may work through are similar to those you've dealt with, the difference is that you're ahead of them in the process.

You may want them to understand and grasp this important part of your life right away and give you support. However, you may need to allow people time to express their own feelings. Try to be patient.

You may also need to explain things a few times. Just because you've said something once does not mean they have heard it. Later, they may be ready to ask questions, listen to answers and acknowledge their feelings.

If your family or friends reject you because of your feelings, it is hurtful and can be difficult to cope with. Remember you are sharing an important part of yourself. If people choose to ignore this they are missing out on knowing who you are. Hold onto who you are. Hold onto the fact that you are special. There are people who will help you reach out for their support.

If your family does ask you to leave home, Kids Help line 1800 55 1800 or Lifeline 131 114 will be able to help you find accommodation. 

More Info

Call the Gay and Lesbian Counselling Service in your state or territory:

ACT

Gay and Lesbian Telephone Help Referral and Outreach Bureau (THROB) - 02 6247 2726

QLD

Gay and Lesbian Welfare Association

(07) 3252 2997 (7-10pm)

Toll free (rural areas): 1800 184 527

SA

Gay and Lesbian Counselling Service

(08) 8422 8400 (Mon- Fri 7-10pm, Sat 2-5pm & 7-10pm)

Toll free (rural areas): 1800 182 233

NSW

Gay and Lesbian Line (02) 8594 9596

(5.30pm-10.30pm daily)

Toll free (rural areas): 1800 184 527

VIC

Gay and Lesbian Switchboard (03) 98278544

(6-10pm daily, Wed 2-10pm)

Toll free (rural areas): 1800 184 527

WA

Youthline (08) 9486 9855 (Tuesdays 1-4pm)

TAS

Gay and Lesbian Switchboard - 1800 184 527

These services are anonymous, and calls to a 1800 number do not appear on a phone bill. You can chat to someone about your feelings and they can answer many of your questions. They can also tell you about support groups and social functions.

Pick up a gay and lesbian newspaper. Every state has gay and lesbian newspapers that will tell you about what's on and how to access support and social groups. There are also national magazines available, some of which you can subscribe to.