The battle inside my head

My name is Holly and I just finished my year 12 certificate and celebrated my 18th birthday. There have been times where I wasn't totally sure I would see myself become an adult - and if I did I always imagined it to be the same as all other birthdays - completely ruled and ruined by anorexia.

I spiralled into anorexia nervosa at the end of year 9 and was diagnosed about a year later having lost almost 15kg off my already slim frame. I was a state competitive swimmer who loved playing clarinet, studying language and reading history books; and I became an introvert with no care for anything but maintaining the control of the eating disorder. I continued a downward spiral of obsession and denial and isolation, ending up spending over 6 weeks in a medical hospital unit where I was told my body had started shutting down - I was wheelchair bound and put on a feeding tube. The anorexia really held on however, I struggled for months trying to beat the thoughts, and a year later was admitted into the same hospital - right before my HSC exams. Being a perfectionist I became very stressed about my final exams and became very negative and defeated in terms of being able to achieve good grades.

Throughout both admissions I met some amazing, inspiring people who had suffered a long time from illnesses such as cancer and severe diabetes which motivated me to do something about my issues, because they CAN be completely treated. I almost felt guilty knowing that I could actively work towards 'curing' myself but I just wasn't committing to it.

Every time I feel the influence of anorexia creeping over me, I use their shining little faces to remind me that I have so much opportunity and potential that they may never experience through no fault of their own, and I need to cherish how lucky I am and how much power I have over my recovery efforts. Although I am far from being fully recovered, I am starting to enjoy life a lot more and engage with those around me; I achieved fantastic HSC results despite prolonged illness and absences and have now applied for a prestigious university. I have a casual job which I love, have supportive people around me and am finally rediscovering everything that I used to enjoy.

If I have any wisdom to share with other sufferers of an eating disorder it would be this; it will always seem real to you, what it makes you think and feel, but there is a whole giant world outside an eating disorder that you CAN and DESERVE to experience. I'm not there yet, but I can see it and I know I will be soon. Take advantage of your ability to change, seek help early and never feel like you're unworthy of talking to someone or getting professional help.

For more stories about struggling with an eating disorder, why not check out some more ReachOut.com fact sheets and stories...

• Beating Anorexia (Fact sheet)
• Recovery from an eating disorder (Fact sheet)
• Not Believing The Lies In The Mirror (Story)