Curse of the 'shoulds'!

Curse of the 'shoulds'!

We all have our own rules that underlie many of the things that we do. We call these shoulds because we often think in terms of 'I should do this' or 'I should do that'.

In our society, certain behaviours and personal qualities are often promoted as desirable, while others are given very little importance. For instance, things like being good at our work or being attractive, outgoing, sociable, self-disciplined, etc. are often reinforced by our parents, schools, friends and the media.

Because we want to be liked and accepted by other people, we take on many of their rules, and these become part of our own belief system on how we should be. These 'shoulds' can sometimes get us into trouble, particularly when we can't live up to them. Often we aren't even aware of our 'shoulds' until we start to think about them.

Some of our 'shoulds' can be helpful at times. For example, the belief that you should be friendly and supportive to others may help you to have good relationships and get on with people. The belief that you should work hard at school may help you do well in your exams, and the belief that you should look for solutions when problems arise may help you to solve problems.

'Shoulds' can make you feel bad

However, holding on to these beliefs in an absolute, inflexible way increases our likelihood of feeling very bad. This is particularly the case when we can't meet our own expectations. For example, if we believe that we should always do well in our assignments but in reality we fail to do so, or if we believe that we should always be confident and relaxed, but in reality we feel shy and self-conscious, we end up feeling very stressed and unhappy.

Whenever we tell ourselves that things must be a certain way or that we must achieve certain things, we put ourselves under a huge amount of pressure and increase the likelihood of upsetting ourselves.

Of course learning to be flexible doesn't mean that you should throw your values or preferences. It is important to know what you want and to work towards your goals.

However, you also need to accept that things won't always work out the way that you would like. For example, self-talk such as: 'I would like to do well in my assignments, and I will try my hardest' is healthy and appropriate because it is flexible - it doesn't demand that it must be perfect. This type of self-talk doesn't create stress or anxiety because the thoughts are preferences rather than 'shoulds' / rigid rules.

Some common 'shoulds'

Take a look at some of the common shoulds or rules that many people live by. Are any of these relevant to you?

• I should be liked by everyone.
• I should always be successful in the things that I do.
• I should always do things perfectly.
• I should be thin/muscly/sexy, etc.
• I should always look good.
• I should have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
• I should be the same as everyone else (I shouldn't be different).
• I should feel confident in every situation.
• I should be clear about my future and know where I am heading.
• I should always say the right things at the right time.
• I should always be able to meet other people's expectations.
• I should always do what people want.
• I should always feel calm and in control.
• I should always be happy.
• I should never make mistakes.
• I should put other people's need before my own.
• I should never say anything that might make other people feel uncomfortable.
• I should always make the right decisions.

The trouble with 'shoulds' is that they are inflexible. While there is no problem with wanting or preferring things to be a certain way, when we believe that things must be a certain way we make ourselves feel bad.

Converting 'shoulds' into preferences

Identifying and challenging your shoulds is one of the most helpful ways of avoiding upsetting emotions such as hurt, anxiety, anger, depression, or resentment.

Example

John: 'I didn't get into the college course I wanted'

John's 'shoulds':
I should always succeed. I should always achieve the goals that I set for myself, and the expectations of my parents and teachers. If I don't, then I am no good. Because I didn't get in to my preferred college course, it means that I am no good and my future is ruined.

Converting John's 'shoulds' into preferences:
I prefer to achieve all the goals that I set for myself, but this isn't always possible. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, things aren't going to work out the ways I want. It's disappointing to miss out, but it's not the end of the world. There are other courses I can do, and alternative paths that I can follow. I am ok as a person, whether I get into college or not.

Blaming others

People let us down at times, and sometimes you might do things that you later regret. It is reasonable to be disappointed or annoyed when this happens.

However if you have very strong shoulds about how people should behave you may end blaming people for their actions: 'They should do the right thing! or perhaps 'I should do the right thing!'

The problem with blaming is that it makes you feel angry and frustrated, but it doesn't solve the problem. In the end it is a waste of your energy. Even if other people are at fault, telling yourself that they should not be this way doesn't change the situation - it just makes you feel bad.

Try it out

You can avoid getting upset in all sorts of situations by learning to think flexibly. This means learning to prefer things to be a certain way, but accepting that situations will not always be the way we would like them to be. Try it out - try and identify any shoulds that cause you to feel bad, and change that should into a preference. What would be the advantages of doing this? What would you need to say to yourself to do this? How might changing this should into a preference affect the way you feel?

Let us know how you get on! You can leave a comment below.

Acknowledgements

Edelman, S, Remond, L (2005) Taking Charge! A Guide for Teenagers: Practical Ways to Overcome Stress, Hassles and Upsetting Emotions. Foundation for Life Sciences.