What doesn't kill me [only] makes me stronger!

By a 20 year old male from QLD

When I was young, my parents would fight all the time. I considered it a mild form of domestic violence. In my opinion, my parents never should have married, as they were simply not compatible. I think my mum now agrees. My dad slowly became an alcoholic, as well as addicted to prescription drugs. Eventually he suffered with depression as a result. One night, my sister and I walked into our house only to find him on the ground, almost dead, after he had tried to commit suicide. His face was blue. My sister thought he was dead as there was no sign of movement, so she protected me by hiding me behind the lounge. He returned alive a few days later. He tried to commit suicide at least four times, including one time where he tried in a hospital detox unit. The nurse saved him before he succeeded. Not surprisingly, all of this took its toll on my mother, as well as my sister and me.

One night, my mother sat us down and started crying, she said we wouldn't see him for a while and she was right. I didn't understand completely at the time, yet I was well aware that my life was about to change. We had to sell the house, after the divorce, and move into a small two bedroom duplex. Unfortunately, my mum now had to raise my sister and me on a single income. Both my sister and I went to private schools, I needed braces and we both undertook private music lessons. To support us, my mum would work all day at Coles and then undertake her university studies (bachelor of social work) at night. My sister and I were then allowed to see my father in supported accommodation, where he was staying temporarily. At that point, my father was the greatest father he could ever be. He was supportive plus appreciative to see us, as well as grateful to simply be alive.

After a while, everything that had happened started to psychologically affect my sister. Her and my dad stopped communicating and he refused to allow her to visit. At one point, he took everyone on holiday to Europe while he left my sister in Australia. After which, when my mum was working my sister would turn to violence. I would have severe bruises on my arms and back. A few times she almost broke my nose. A lot of the time, she would lock me out of the house until my mum came home, so she could say I was uncontrollable. I would try to resist defending myself, as I knew retaliation would only make the situation worse. There was nothing my mum could do as it was my story against her story. At times, my sister had no defence when my mother saw tissues covered in blood in the bin. It was a painful situation.

Meanwhile, I started to feel extremely isolated. My sister was abusive, my father was neglectful and my mum was helpless. I started to become very introversive. While my mother was out, I would lock myself in my room and tell myself that I had to become my own saviour. As a result, I became partly detached from my family and used the psychological approach of logotherapy (looking into the future) to overcome my unfortunate situation. I would study the lives of philosophical geniuses, including Nietzsche, for hope. At that point, I yearned to become the next great modern-day philosopher. The thought allowed me to continue to see value in life. Without that goal, I would have undoubtedly suffered environmental depression.

After a while, my sister could not continue to feel at ease with herself. Eventually she became an alcoholic and drug addict, using speed and marijuana. Then, one day, I came home to discover that my sister had attempted suicide. My mum and I rushed to the hospital to visit her. They pumped her stomach and fortunately, she managed to survive. At that point, she had no option but to fix her life. At this point, my dad was over seven years sober. I was proud of him. He aided in her recovery, as her downfall was a result of her love for him. Additionally, she saw a psychologist every fortnight to help her overcome her depression. Nowadays, she is no longer an alcoholic or drug addict, and my father is ten years sober.

Meanwhile, my father and I started to not get along. I was grown up at this point (young adult) and realised all that was happening. My dad was paying my mother the bare minimum for child support, while my mum was working very hard to support my sister and me. Meanwhile, my dad was on his way to becoming successful, yet he was only obliged to pay my mum a dismal amount as he was claiming his investments under his new wife's tax file number. Every time my sister and I visited, he would spend a lot of money on the two of us. He definitely made a conscious effort to make himself look like the better parent.

I then took a moral stand for my mother and told him I'd prefer to stay at home. Instead, I said I would rather him to donate the money to my mother to help support us. He refused and said to stay out of adult issues. At that point, he had several houses and would invite his friends over for dinner, whenever we visited, so he could boast about his house and white picket fence family. It was superficial. One day, I told him to finally listen to me. He locked me outside, rang my mum and told her to pick me up. I didn't speak to him for two years. He never tried to contact me. His friends would give me a lecture about how much he loved me and told me to grow up. He even invited my friend to a cricket match, saying he had a spare ticket as he thought I would attend. He made his son look ungrateful. He was the victim.

After two years, I finally had to accept that he was ignorant. He went from an alcoholic to a millionaire but quite frankly, I preferred him as an alcoholic whereby he was a good father who listened to me. He had become arrogant with money. Nowadays, I don't consider my dad a very important part of my life. My beliefs are utterly different to his and my sisters. I'm an atheist which drives him up the wall. If he wasn't my dad, I wouldn't speak to him, but I love him nonetheless. Yet, my mum is basically my best friend. I am extremely proud of her. My mother graduated from university and went on to become a domestic violence counsellor.

I moved up north last year to buy a house, which is almost three thousand kilometres from where I grew up. I did this so I could focus on the only motivation which kept me alive and well, philosophy. I am now undertaking a bachelor of philosophy in order to become the next great modern philosopher. I am additionally undertaking a bachelor of social work in order to professionally help teenagers who share a similar story. I aim to provide them the support which I never received. No one should have to fight such an isolating battle alone. Nevertheless, if you do, you can win the fight. Believe in your own will to power. My favourite philosopher, Nietzsche, was right; what does not kill me, only makes me stronger!

For some more links on family break ups, relationships and moving out, check out some of our other fact sheets and stories...

• Family break up (Fact sheet)
• Talking to friends or family(Fact sheet)
• Being separated from my Mum(Story)