When things don't go as planned

Since the beginning of year ten until the end of year twelve, I worked my arse off, to put it bluntly. I can now count seven different points on my body where I twitch if I'm under too much stress. I'm kind of smart and at the same time kind of slow, which can be a nasty combination if you're trying your hardest to excell.

To me, high school was a mere stepping stone to university. If I had my way, I would have skipped high school and going straight on to university where, in my opinion, was where the 'real' stuff was taught. I had a passion for learning and a desire to succeed. This passion turned in to a desperate need just to do well, which turned into a crazy study routine where all my energy was put into 'doing well'.

I graduated high school with a UAI of 90.95 and, though I was relieved to make it into my course I didn't care less about it when I found out. I thought this lack of caring was just because all that mattered to me was going to uni, and not how well I did at school. But it ran deeper than that-- I had lost my passion to learn not only at school, but anywhere. The thought of having to study, whether it be my driver's manual, a chemistry text book or anything where I am forced to learn the information sends me into a panic mode. I can't work on my desk anymore, and I haven't since the HSC finished. It got to a point where, during Stu-vac, I would walk into my room, determined to sit down and work, stare with complete horror at my desk and run out of the room-- it got that bad.

But things would be different at uni, right? Wrong. I kept finding myself wondering why I wasn't interested in anything. Usually I would have been interested in the material they were teaching, but all I could think about was the bus ride home. I began to sink in to a depressive episode and couldn't get out of it. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted anymore and even simple decisions like choosing what to have on my sandwiches each day brought me to tears.

Eventually I confided in my father that I hated uni but didn't know what else to do. Everything that I thought was 'me', turned out to be what I hated. My father was able to explain that I was experiencing grief for my friends who I was now separated from. I had considered this, but had brushed the idea away, convinced there had to be something else wrong with me-- normal people don't just decide that they hate what they've been working towards for three years, do they? They do. Frequently, it seems, also. So many of my school friends and classmates have told me that they have changed what they want to do completely, or else are quitting uni and getting jobs they love, or vica versa. No matter how hard we studied that English module 'Change', it seems we still missed the point that changes occur CONSTANTLY and are normal not only in our every day lives, but in ourselves too.

I never thought I'd be applying for jobs at the local preschool, or for a Dental Assistant position, but here I am, doing just that and I feel fantastic. I want to travel to Brazil next year and in the mean time try out as many different things as possible. The need to succeed has not left me, it has just changed in terms of what I see as succeeding is. My plans have changed from 'go-to-uni-for-three-years-and-get-a-job-for-the-next-fifty' to 'find-something-you-love-and-do-it-as-much-as-you-can.' Personally, I'm liking the second, less conventional idea a whole lot better than the first.

Changing ideas doesn't mean a changing of one's identity. It has nothing to do with defining who you are. Change is a constant inconsistancy, and from experience, it's a lot more fun and a lot less tears if you just go with it.

For more info on life changes and how to cope with finishing school, why not check out some ReachOut.com fact sheets and stories...

• Life Changes (Category) (Fact sheet)
• Life choices - What happens after finishing school (Fact sheet)
• I May Not Be The Smartest Person In The World But I Am Determined(Story)