Years of pain, but a lifetime of hope

By a 20 year old female from Western Australia

When I was nine years old, my life changed dramatically. My mum was in a car accident, leaving her partially disabled, especially her basic functions to walk, stand up and bend over. She is a single mother raising myself and my brother.

She was an outgoing fun person, who spent mornings getting us up for school and weekends volunteering at our local sports. But this did not happen ever again. She became socially isolated and would spend all of her time on the internet, day and night.

This I could handle; I still got to see my Mum and spend time with her. Even though it wasn't quality time, it was time!

That was until she actually started to meet people she'd 'meet' online. They would come over to our house and I would be asked to leave. At ten years old, I retreated to the street; it was my refuge away from home. I felt abandoned, alone and scared.

This continued for a couple of years and during this time my mum resorted to drugs. At this point in my life, school sucked, I just didn't care about anything. I just didn't want to live anymore, I felt like there was no purpose, that nobody even knew that I even existed. I tried self-harming but it hurt too much, so I use to drink and go to parties to escape my nightmare.

At 14, my brother moved back in, and I looked up to him. He provided some sort of normality in my life. My mum didn't change, still with a different guy every week that she met off the internet. I started to settle down a bit at school but still continued going out every night and spending too much time with people older than me. The next two years were similar, I still felt worthless, abandoned and alone.

At the end of year 10, my mum announced that we would be moving to Perth. I had no say in the matter. Ten days later with my mum and dog we arrived in Perth, so she could start her life again with someone she met off the internet, who she had never met. This was late December.

He was an alcoholic. Every night he would drink two slabs of beer and he got violent and I got beaten up. My mum refused to believe it, until New Years Eve, he hit me in front of her. We got thrown out and we had to live in our car. We found a place 5 weeks later, and I actually found myself the happiest I had ever been since I was 9 years old. I loved school, studied hard and met great friends, who loved doing normal stuff like movies and dinners instead of parties.

Just before I went into year 12, I realised my mum was back to old habits, drugs and internet dating and refused to pay the household bills. We had no electricity, gas and hot water. I finally cracked. I lost the plot and had enough. At 17, I finally had a breakdown.

Moving to Melbourne that year, was a break I needed. I needed family who loved me unconditionally and looked beyond my faults. This did not happen. I moved homes three times, from family member to family member. My Aunty that I was living with at the time, declared that I was a worthless human being that I shall end up like my mother!

My world was shattered once again, nothing I wasn't use to though! But this time it changed. I sought help. I went and visited my psychologist at school. She made me understand, that it wasn't my fault, for the way my life was turning out and that everyone has an amazing potential to be fulfilled in their lives and that everyone is equally beautiful and important as each other and nobody should tell you differently.

That moment, changed my life; it gave me strength and the courage to press on. I knew that there was a real Stacey inside of me waiting to come out, waiting to speak up and take charge of my life; but it was just not that simple. I didn't like the person who I was, I felt worthless, that I was just a waste of space. But finally, there was someone who could help, someone who I could talk to, without being judged.

She helped me change my life; she gave me my life back. I always had the perception that psychologists and counsellors were on the 'other' side, but I was so wrong. They helped me when I felt like not living any more, when my friend committed suicide the same week my best friend died in a car accident; and when I felt rejected. They are there for a reason, to help, to be a lifeline, and they should be used!

I now realise that I waited too long to get help, that I should have done it sooner; but in the end, I did it, I got help!

At that point I decided that this is the year for me. I studied really hard and I ended up in the top 5% of the State with my marks. I applied for university and also took my first steps in trying to mend family relationships. The next biggest step I took was to head back to Western Australia, to give my mother another go.

Two years later, I am studying Biomedical Science and Community Development. I live with two of my best friends; but sometimes still feel afraid and lonely and that I love my mother out of sympathy more than anything. I can't say that I am cured or that nothing worries me because that would be lying. But what I do know is that I want to see tomorrow.

A couple of days ago, the preciousness of life suddenly stood before me. It was when I rushed to hospital because my face was swollen; it was literally four times bigger than usual. I didn't know what was going on; and I knew I had to trust in the doctors around me; that was a major step because I had lost my ability to trust years ago. But I had to step up and think about myself and my life. They didn't know what was wrong with me; they checked for everything from cancer, to mumps, and other infections. At this point, lying in ICU, I knew that I want to live my life; that I want to make the most out of it.

My past may have not been the best; but it's all apart of me. It makes me who I am today. I am stronger, want to live my life to the fullest and help others in the process. I still don't know what is wrong with me; I will have check ups twice a week for six months; but that wont deter me from making the best out of my situation. I can now wake up every morning, thinking what a lovely day it is; not that I want to end my life.

I have never fully understood how precious life is, and how lucky I am to be living it.  Before, I would just concentrate on getting to the next day, but now I have goals and dreams that I plan to live, breath and experience. I have aspirations of practicing medicine in rural Australia and developing countries and to help find a cure for HIV/AIDS that is affordable and assessable for all.

I know that I will make a difference in my life and nothing will stop me. We can do anything we want to do. There is light at the end of the tunnel, it may be a long and dark journey, but the reward of life is priceless.